You’d think that an alien had taken me over and that a different girl was writing blogs if I didn’t throw you the odd rollercoaster. Things have been very happier and steadier for a while, but the last two weeks have been very VERY up and down. Its amazing what unexpected things affect me. My gender issues always leave me in a volatile place I guess anyway. I’m prone to undulating bouts of dysphoric misery. But when negative stuff happens around me, I guess it triggers unhappiness too. No-one’s fault - its my issue to deal with, but certain things have made me sad. Sad and me (and diets in particular, I’m finding) don’t mix well.
Someone who I’ve felt very close to of late has been having a hard time, also through no fault of their own, although I think they feel like it is. Horrible position for them to be in and its caused me to feel down on their behalf. Combine this with an odd conversation where I, probably wrongly, got the impression that people in my life feel that hiding my thoughts on transition from Mrs A is a really awful thing to do and I got in a funk about it. I think I’m open to feedback, but that hit me absolutely for six (or out of the park in a bad way?). There was almost the sense that others are getting uncomfortable about being a party to my hiding of Rhiannon away from my family and being careful about who knows what about me. I can understand that, I’ve been living by lying and hiding for 42 years, so I’m used to it. It makes me feel awful that I put anyone under any strain by telling them my secret. I felt that maybe my reaching out for support among my friends isn’t the best idea in the world for some people. Add on top that its been a very busy and challenging time at work with lots going on and major travelling and…so on...
Last week in a desperate moment of indescribable sadness, looked around my world for someone to talk to and in a stupid moment of panic, I didn’t know where to go. So I reverted to type. My go-to people for help are Mrs Wine and Mr High Fat Food. I’m ashamed to say that for part of the last fortnight, I got into a very unhelpful spiral including the appalling night I consumed two bottles of wine and a 14-inch pizza by myself. As well as my dinner. Eating to the point where I almost felt sick.
I know its not good and probably points to underlying issues and all that jazz, but remember the title of the blog. Its a story of redemption. I realised just how badly I was doing and I found someone in my world who I could reach out to and I did. As usual A2’s advice was amazing in response to my very long and traumatised email and she really helped me get out of the bad place. She also realised that I completely overthink everything and when in a bad place can be a complete worrier. I normally try to hide those two things too.
Today (I write this before I've left) is my weigh-in at fat club and I’m going to see the damage for the week. Given that this was about a week ago and that I’ve got my head back in the game, I think I’m going to be ok, but its been hard. Despite 'recovering', there will, I'm sure, be consequences.
This week though, I have to give a shout out, I was considerably helped by visiting Chameleons (trans support group) in Nottingham, UK. How anyone can go to that group and fail to be cheered up is beyond me? Not only was there dancing, food and the opportunity to put on a great dress, there was fantastic company, not least from the very lovely Lynn Jones of YATGB fame. If you are ever down, you need her to help! Thank you Lynn, you probably didn’t know how down I was feeling because I hide it well, but you really did make me feel so much better. :o) I took this selfie before I left (forgive the bathroom behind it) and felt great. Lynn shared the other picture, below, on her blog, so I’m hoping a reciprocation is ok, but whether I’ve changed or not, I’m not sure, but is that really what I look like?
Postscript: I’m now back from fat club and…well, amazingly 2lbs off. Its horrible when that happens in some ways. I know people in the room who have worked hard and sacrificed - and I’ve done the diet for 5 out of 7 days and then had two days off the rails and still lost weight. I’m sure I’ll reach the point where I can’t. I hope I reach the point where I don’t go off the rails at all. Of the rails normally means something has happened that I can’t deal with.
Anyway. I know I’m going to regret posting this because I’m embarrassed by my human failings and weaknesses, I find this post mortifying, but I know that I try to be honest here - there has to be one place where you are I guess.