Thursday, 28 November 2013

She's like a bus...

Probably too much UK based humour already.  We say that you wait ages for a bus and typically two always come along at the same time.  Meaning you wait for ever and then two of what you want arrive at the same time.  Anyway, two blogs in a few days of each other.  There you go.

I probably should say something more flattering, like 'she's like the wind'.  But you've seen my photos: she's like a bus is a much more accurate representation! (OK, I admit it, mild attempt to secure protestations at my vague beauty!)  :o)

Wanted firstly to say thank you for the previous comments to my last blog.  So nice to know that you are there and supporting me.  Having a tough time at the moment as you could tell.  Work is also quite mad right now, so I'm sat in a bar at Kings Cross in London waiting for a train.  It is 8pm and I've been on the go, working, since 7am when I caught my train this morning.  The Sauvignon Blanc beside me is deserved if you ask me.

The point of the blog is my current plague of very intense, sad moments.  Not trying to be too dramatic, but in can tell when I'm lacking Rhiannon time.  Things start to go a little bit - a lot - crazy.  As I look round the bar, my heart sinks.  Three pretty girls at 1 o'clock, another at 3 o'clock, two at 4 o'clock and yet another at 5 o'clock.  Happy, comfortable, enjoying being the women they were born to be. And waves of sadness debilitate me, because I am not.  Yesterday, at work, two very lovely ladies, looking great. A moment of unutterable sadness washes over me. But that time it didn't leave me either.  I battled through the day without showing it. Without crying. With a brave, happy smiling face, because my job requires it.  But inside I know that it's not what I am feeling. I wonder if my smile is spotted for the fake that it is.  It doesn't reach the eyes.  Or have I become so good at hiding that it is imperceptible to everyone.  Except me.  I know.

So when I talk of stopping, I know that I am talking like a mad person. It isn't possible.  And then I remember them.  My family. Those who love me.  And the vicious circle starts again.  And it really is vicious.

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Why can’t I be more decisive?

I know, I know, its been a while.  And I left you in suspense the last time too.  But to be honest, I don’t know what to say really.  Things haven’t really moved forward.  I’ve made a couple of attempts to man up and face the future.  These normally end in disaster with me feeling bereft at the lack of Rhiannon in my life and result in some over compensating behaviour where I will place an order for some new shoes or dresses or something.  Or worse / better depending on your view - I turn up at work in Rhiannon mode.  I’m allowed to do this - small office, nice people, understanding boss etc etc.  The photo was the last time this happened.  But its still not really in the spirit of going home and being normal.  (I realise that sentence is very loaded)

Please don’t judge me too harshly, I am one very very confused bunny.  I’ve not articulated my doubts at home because I’m wary of rocking a precarious boat.  I don’t want to plump for a decision when I may end up being able to pull something out of the hat for my family.  They love me a lot and are going through some tough stuff from other directions too at the moment. I don't really want to add to their pain.  Daily, I oscillate 20 plus times between staying and going.  Hence, my question, why can’t I be more decisive?  I have many and various weaknesses that I have learned to live with in my life: this is one of them.  In my personal life, I am appalling at making difficult decisions.   Never so evident as in the last few months.  I seem to be at the point of being annoying.

In other news, I've lost a stone and things are always a bit happier when weight comes off.

This is probably a something or nothing post, but from my perspective it was an update so you could know where things were up to and reassurance that I’m still alive and still as crap as always.  Sorry.