Short and very very self-indulgent…

So, I know that this blog is one of the shortest I’ve ever written (yay you say!).  I feel like I should find some cute cat pictures to pad it out a little :o).  I have been writing blogs, but just haven’t been finishing them.  Note to self - stop being too busy.

Regular readers know that I really struggle with my weight - I’m a bit large really.  I’ve joined a great group (and awesome leader) who are really helping me get the bulk off.  Part of my success with this is that I’m forced to hold myself to account to other people.  If I didn’t and it was just down to me, I’d just gorge myself on pizza instead: the scales themselves aren't enough to motivate me.

So in the spirit of holding myself to account - and honestly, in the hope of some sisterly encouragement, I determined also to log my weight loss journey on my blog.  I’ve promised it before and failed, so this time I will stick to my plan which includes reporting my weight loss once every month.  And I haven’t so far and Wednesday is the last opportunity for November.

So *drumroll please* - I’ve been on my weight loss programme for 11 weeks and I have now lost 35lbs (2.5 stones / 16kgs).  Still a very long way to go - my aim is at least 10 stone and to reach a UK14 size, but its a good start.  

Anyway, there you go, the shortest blog ever!  I thank you... :o)

Out in a dress...

Its been a really busy week with little opportunity, other than last Monday, to have Rhiannon time.   Last week we were away on holiday.  On the way back, a mad thought entered my head: I wanted to go out, in normal day time, wearing a dress.   Given that I regularly present female, you might be forgiven for thinking that this is a regular occurrence, but it isn’t really.

Last Monday's attempt...

I don’t know how you feel about it, but I’m always very self conscious about wearing a dress when I go out.  Many women in the UK don’t wear dresses very often, or skirts for that matter.  There is much more of a likelihood that you will see them wearing either jeans, trousers or leggings.  Wearing a dress immediately attracts attention because it is relatively rare.  There are definitely times of the year where it is more common, or if someone is doing it for work, but even so, its still infrequent.  My aim in dressing is always to blend in and to be noticed as little as possible, so I tend to wear what I see most other women in their early 40s wearing too.  So going out actually in a dress would represent a really big push out of my comfort zone.

Despite this mad thought being unusual for me, it grew and grew and I knew that by the time I reached Monday, knowing I’d have Rhiannon time, that only a dress would do when I went out.  So when I got dressed that morning, on went my black skater dress, heeled knee length boots and patterned tights.  Accessorised with some purple jewellery and my dark blue cardigan and blue scarf, I was feeling very happy.

Different outfit, same dress (2011)

I had some errands to run while I was out: the first one being that I needed to pick up my wig which had gone back to be washed and blow dried by the lovely Andrea.  It was, as usual, so fantastic to see her - she is just full of energy and literally makes me feel happier every moment I spend there.  We discussed the dress I was wearing and she said that she thought it was very appropriate and that because I was wearing opaque tights, it worked very well.  Very appropriate for the season.  Confidence built up a little bit, I headed on.

The second and final errand was that I wanted to pop out shopping.  I’d seen several tops that I liked online and I wanted to go to the shop to take another look.  It was weird really, I went through with it and was comfortable, but not perfectly comfortable.  Most women were dressed as I described before: jeans and a jumper and I felt a little too overdressed, despite being happy with my choice.  But because I stood out, I guess my default concern of dress=noticeable=obvious trans-person kicked in and I found it very hard to relax.  I walked around the store, but for some reason felt like an alien who had landed in planet ladies clothes shop and that I shouldn’t be there.  I know that its only by doing this and continuing to challenge myself that I’ll grow and my confidence will improve, but it was more difficult that day than I expected, I guess is what I am saying.  The good thing which shows there has been movement forward is that I wished I’d been there in my top and jeans because I’d have been more comfortable.  I didn’t for a moment, as I have in the past, felt like I shouldn’t be there at all.  I suppose its just another step out, you get used to it, you grow, and its another thing within your repertoire.   Wearing a dress and feeling comfortable is something that I really do want to become happy with doing.

Since that day, I have seen a number of women out and about in similar outfits - and I’ve been kicking myself for not believing Andrea - that it really was appropriate and that I looked fine.  I’m breaking this down quickly and getting more used to it, but still a way to go.   I'm definitely out and about in Rhiannon mode in a week or so, if not before, so I will be wearing a dress again.  I really want to conquer this.