Monday, 21 January 2013

Bringing you up to date


Life, of late, has been a set of very mixed feelings.  On balance, I would say, sadness has won out, but some moments of joy have forced their way into the mix.  I have just re-read my last blog so that I could catch you up on the latest news - and didn’t realise that it really was about 3-4 weeks and SO much has happened in that time.

Having taken the painful decision to break, I began my search for a new place to live.  This proved remarkably easy really.  I did not want to go much further than 10 minutes from our family house so that I could see the little people as much as possible.  I found a perfect apartment that had so many of the features I was looking for on my first trawl through rightmove.co.uk.  I rang up, visited it, offered and within the space of 24 hours, I was renting.  It happened dizzyingly quickly.  I picked up the keys early in January and have been at work, building a place for the uncertain future ahead.

Despite a couple of reconciliation attempts and deep discussions to try to resolve our differences, we failed and agreed that it was definitely going to happen.  I am still not resigned to the fact that this has to be a forever split.  I’m hoping against hope that we find a way.  She is a lovely, knock out woman and I love her.  Yes, she is not up for trans-ness, but there are a lot of women out there who are like that.  I have lots of female friends who are lovely, supportive, kind - and quite happy to be seen out and about with me.  But when I ask the question, “what if it was your husband who was trans”, a quiet, non-answer is the usual response.  Putting myself in Mrs A’s shoes, I’m not sure I can judge her too harshly for her actions.

But the decision being taken, set in course a train of steps that would lead to me having to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my whole life.  I had to tell the kids that mummy and daddy were not going to be living together anymore.  Having only done this on Saturday just gone, it is still a little bit raw.  I have spent a very long time agonising and crying over telling them.  My ‘avoiding something at all costs’ instinct kicked in and I tried to do everything I could to procrastinate.  But I did it in the end.  Three tough conversations with three upset little people.  More crying from me.  Lots of crying from me.  They took it better than I expected.  I didn’t deliver the whole shebang.  My transgenderedness is not something I need to burden them with right now.  I’ll tell them that when I have my own head straight on how I want to progress.  Its enough pain to know your parents are splitting up for now.   On Sunday, they visited my new place and decided that they love it a lot.  I chose it partly because I thought there would be things they liked about it.  The path ahead is the tough one for them, but it was nice that they have taken the first baby step.

I said things were mixed at the moment and that’s because in what has been an awful period of time, there has also been some good stuff.  I’ve done another day at work in Rhiannon mode.  My hair, despite being a curly mop is growing out well - I have to achieve a semblance of a professional look as a boy which I am just about managing.  Living by myself means lots more Rhiannon time than I’ve ever had before.  I’ve had some nice meals and conversations with people who despite everything, clearly love me still.  A notable shout out for Becca Pink of Mutterings fame who I met in central London for dinner.  She’s not owning up to this on her blog, but she rocked the girl look for our dinner together.  I was going to, but bravery (and time to get ready) lost out - and then I was glad I wasn’t brave.  I walked, in boy mode, through thousands of people in rush hour Waterloo Station knowing instantly that I would have been overwhelmed at that many people being able to see me in Rhiannon-mode at once.  I have added that particular “walk of shame” to my 2013 objectives though - I WILL do it.

This blog probably sounds very upbeat given all that’s happened.  I guess its partly its about how you feel in the moment.  Its a snow day today - and I have so much to do.  But I put some make up on this morning, got into my favourite wooly tights, black skater dress and purple cardigan and settled down to work.  And honestly, a feeling of comfort and normality overwhelmed me.  Despite all that is horrible and tough in my world, I’m being who I really am today and that counts for a lot.

Hope you have a great day too. x