Do you ever get those moments when you are just inconsolably sad? I just want to escape from myself, but there is no way that I can that I would do. I know that it has been building in me for a while and it creates a feeling of overwhelming need just to withdraw from everything. I just feel like I could burst into tears at any point. The happy outward exterior that I put across is sometimes just too difficult to maintain. I want to laugh loudly. I want to feel at peace. But I just can’t find it.
I’ve always said that I write this blog as my own catharsis - and its true. Today I need it more than I ever have before. I feel like I’m letting people down all over the place and its one of the things that triggers my sadness. Especially when I feel that moving to a place of being helpful to people is not possible.
I feel like I’m letting my family and my wife down. I have started allowing myself to be me again. A fantastic and almost euphoric decision. But the first time I spent the day in Rhiannon mode it went horribly wrong. Somehow I managed to get some foundation on the collar of my polo shirt. Arriving home, I hadn’t spotted it and the moment I walked into the kitchen, it was spotted by my wife. It was an inconspicuous brown smear. Small in size. But she went quiet and within hours had told me she was suspicious again. The next day she told me she wanted answers because it even smelt like make up. Which meant she must have even got it out of the laundry hamper and smelt it. Its been frosty since. I was hoping for a couple of months of trying it out to decide what I wanted, but now I feel like a complete bitch for starting again and letting them down. I've had to lie through my teeth to try to get it on an even keel again. Lying makes me hate myself. The positivity I feel from dressing again, from getting a new wig and making some new contacts is being overshadowed and obscured.
I feel like I’m letting work down. Cardinal crime, I went on holiday. But by going on holiday, I didn’t get everything done. I took my laptop on holiday, but somehow just didn’t get everything done I should have. Since coming back its been horrible - trying to catch up on the busyness has been impossible so far and whereas before I was on top and ahead, I’m now behind and worrying. I know that I need some sustained time to get it back, but there is a lot of things that are taking up time in the way.
I feel like I let some people down. This is the worst. Two of the people who are my biggest advocates are also co-workers. They have had a very stressful time of late - taking on new tasks, huge volumes of work and some really difficult things they have never done before. I’m usually the rock who tries to help and to be strong and I’ve not been there. My busyness has got in the way because I should have done more already. I know they are very likely ok with me again, but inside I’m heartbroken because I just feel like I’ve let them down completely, not been there for them and they both reach their own very low positions as a result. They have both had very difficult conversations with me or gave me very difficult messages that were hard to hear about how they were feeling. Particular when I'm part of the problem. The positivity I had managed to get back just crumbled. It feels like its my fault, I should somehow have found a way of stepping in or of having an answer, but I didn’t. And I feel like I’ve eroded some great relationships. Just small chips off perhaps, but trust is easily lost and difficult to win back.
Inside I just feel lost again and I don’t really know what to do with myself. Blogging today helped? Maybe a little. But I find it hard to claw my way back from low points. I know I’ll get there, but at the moment, I feel very sad. I’m so sorry that I lay it on the line to you here and that I'm being so down and dismal - I feel very vulnerable writing this, but I need to vocalise my feelings, even if just to myself.
15:12 - I’ve just read myself back and I know it all sounds trite, like I’m blowing it up in my own mind. Like I’m making a big deal of small things and I’m sorry. There are loads of other issues linked to these, which I’ve not really shared on here so far that are just compounding my declining feelings. I’m hate posting blogs like this and I’m not even sure this will survive the day, but I just needed to get it out. I really do appreciate you reading and understand that these things are not earth shattering really. Just are important to me…