Thursday, 11 September 2014

Very sad really :o(

Do you ever get those moments when you are just inconsolably sad?  I just want to escape from myself, but there is no way that I can that I would do.  I know that it has been building in me for a while and it creates a feeling of overwhelming need just to withdraw from everything.  I just feel like I could burst into tears at any point.  The happy outward exterior that I put across is sometimes just too difficult to maintain.  I want to laugh loudly.  I want to feel at peace.  But I just can’t find it.

I’ve always said that I write this blog as my own catharsis - and its true.  Today I need it more than I ever have before.   I feel like I’m letting people down all over the place and its one of the things that triggers my sadness.  Especially when I feel that moving to a place of being helpful to people is not possible.

I feel like I’m letting my family and my wife down.  I have started allowing myself to be me again.  A fantastic and almost euphoric decision.  But the first time I spent the day in Rhiannon mode it went horribly wrong.  Somehow I managed to get some foundation on the collar of my polo shirt.  Arriving home, I hadn’t spotted it and the moment I walked into the kitchen, it was spotted by my wife.  It was an inconspicuous brown smear.  Small in size.  But she went quiet and within hours had told me she was suspicious again.  The next day she told me she wanted answers because it even smelt like make up.  Which meant she must have even got it out of the laundry hamper and smelt it.  Its been frosty since.  I was hoping for a couple of months of trying it out to decide what I wanted, but now I feel like a complete bitch for starting again and letting them down.  I've had to lie through my teeth to try to get it on an even keel again.  Lying makes me hate myself.  The positivity I feel from dressing again, from getting a new wig and making some new contacts is being overshadowed and obscured.

I feel like I’m letting work down.  Cardinal crime, I went on holiday.  But by going on holiday, I didn’t get everything done.  I took my laptop on holiday, but somehow just didn’t get everything done I should have.  Since coming back its been horrible - trying to catch up on the busyness has been impossible so far and whereas before I was on top and ahead, I’m now behind and worrying.  I know that I need some sustained time to get it back, but there is a lot of things that are taking up time in the way.

I feel like I let some people down.  This is the worst.  Two of the people who are my biggest advocates are also co-workers.  They have had a very stressful time of late - taking on new tasks, huge volumes of work and some really difficult things they have never done before.  I’m usually the rock who tries to help and to be strong and I’ve not been there.  My busyness has got in the way because I should have done more already.  I know they are very likely ok with me again, but inside I’m heartbroken because I just feel like I’ve let them down completely, not been there for them and they both reach their own very low positions as a result. They have both had very difficult conversations with me or gave me very difficult messages that were hard to hear about how they were feeling.  Particular when I'm part of the problem.  The positivity I had managed to get back just crumbled.  It feels like its my fault, I should somehow have found a way of stepping in or of having an answer, but I didn’t.  And I feel like I’ve eroded some great relationships.  Just small chips off perhaps, but trust is easily lost and difficult to win back.

Inside I just feel lost again and I don’t really know what to do with myself.  Blogging today helped?  Maybe a little.  But I find it hard to claw my way back from low points.  I know I’ll get there, but at the moment, I feel very sad. I’m so sorry that I lay it on the line to you here and that I'm being so down and dismal - I feel very vulnerable writing this, but I need to vocalise my feelings, even if just to myself.



15:12 - I’ve just read myself back and I know it all sounds trite, like I’m blowing it up in my own mind.  Like I’m making a big deal of small things and I’m sorry.  There are loads of other issues linked to these, which I’ve not really shared on here so far that are just compounding my declining feelings.  I’m hate posting blogs like this and I’m not even sure this will survive the day, but I just needed to get it out.  I really do appreciate you reading and understand that these things are not earth shattering really.  Just are important to me…

7 comments:

  1. Catharsis is catharsis. And you sharing it here is good as it allows people to support you, but, most of all, because it allows you a place to talk and rant and say what you like. I know I benefit from reading back on my own blog, sometimes years after it was written. So, maybe you feel you've blown things out of proportion - maybe you have, maybe you haven't - but this will help in the future when you read it back.

    I know well the feelings you're having. Alas, I can do more than stand with you and say I understand.

    With solidarity,

    Joanna

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    1. *Alas, I can do NO more than stand with you...

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  2. Suspicion and distrust at home isn't going to help your work. Nor is the need to tell fibs. Do you think you can get a dialogue going with your wife, get her to understand that you have an irrepressible probem that won't go away, that she can help, and that you need space for further self-assessment?

    Lucy

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  3. Many of us who have transitioned will know exactly how you are feeling because we have been there too. The decisions you make at this time are crucial but only you can make them, I speak for myself here, you MUST speak with your wife. She has a right to know what is going on and she needs to know that you are not cheating on her with another woman. She needs to know you love her. It is difficult to come out to your loved ones but it simply has to be done. The main fear you must be feeling is mainly due to fear itself. You also need to come out for your own sake too, things can only get worse if you don't act soon. I hope you find the courage to make the right decisions, the ones you know you should be making. Best wishes

    Shirley Anne x

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  4. May I ask you this: if you were content and confident, would these things worry you as much? Sometimes, when we're not 100%, what would often be a minor bump, becomes a wound we keep picking at. It's easy to say "stop", but it's harder to actually do.

    As to the make-up mark, what about looking at it from another angle? Ignoring the right and wrong of a situation, because, dare I say, is there any such thing? Well, other than socks and sandals: that's always wrong :-) Where was I? Yes, right and wrong can often be about someone's opinion of the world, rather than a factual statement.

    You talk about letting your family down, but is it that you also need time to be you? Ignoring the whole part-time trans thing: what if someone banned their partner from something they loved, or needed to do? Say, something like 'no more golf', or 'you cannot go out for drinks with the girls'? Sometimes, I think there has to be a little bit of compromise and it can't be all one way <3

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  5. Hi sweetie,

    You wrote that you hate to post blogs about this, but I think these are the ones you *should* post. Because they allow you to get these feelings out. Keeping it all bottled up inside is a terrible, terrible feeling (take it from someone who knows). As you can see from the comments, you are not alone in these feelings. We got through it; you can too.

    You are stronger than you realize, hon. That's obvious from reading your blog. Being able to write about your true feelings is a good sign. Keep doing it; it will help.

    I hope you're feeling better, girl. Be good to yourself, OK? You deserve it!!! Meanwhile, I'm sending good vibes your way right now. :c)

    Hugs,
    Cass

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  6. Rhiannon I have been at exactly the same place as you almost 10 years ago now. The best thing is to be honest and to lay your cards down on the table. Talk things over calmly.....

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