Monday, 20 July 2015

Struggling...

I can tell that this is not going to look or feel polished or even probably articulate.  But some days I just don’t care about that to be honest.  Honestly, I’m really struggling at the moment.  Two things are bothering me and just won’t go away.  The first and most important is that I know deep down that I am increasingly unhappy with my gender.  It is getting harder and harder to live as a man when I know that I’m not of that gender.  Sadness just fills me all the time and despite trying to put a brave face on it, its not working any more.

I know I need to do something about it, but the ramifications of the impact on the people around me continues to yell, ‘what are you thinking’ in my face at a ridiculous volume.  Honestly, I’m probably more conflicted and in pain than I ever have been in my whole life.   I’ve been reading several books recently about transwomen who have transitioned to full time and it just makes a huge amount of sense to me.  But I still can’t believe that it could ever be me.

One of the things I am struck again and again with is just how much this has affected my whole life.  I’ve just been fighting forever against myself and felt unhappy, tormented and in pain every hour of every day of my life and I just want it to stop.  I need it to stop.

Even when I dress, I’m only 75% happy because I know that it is going to end.  Sorry if this sounds moany, but the torment of taking off my make up and ‘changing back’ often causes such anguish inside that I just feel like getting in my car and running away.  Although like most people who are trans (I assume) I have considered whether it is worth continuing with my life.  I know that I could probably never go that far, but I have certainly considered just running away and disappearing to a place where no-one can find me and just starting again.  Deleting my whole history to be someone new.

I also know though that my health is suffering because of my weight and this is the second thing.  The lack of control I feel about changing my gender is ‘coped with’ by eating and drinking.  Despite all of my promises to myself to lose weight, I don’t.  That internal desperation to find some way out has always been channeled to food and drink for me.  I stand at the heaviest I’ve ever been.  It used to be that dressing and going out was an answer, it relieved some of the pressure.  It still does to a degree, but the dread of changing back and of being perceived as a man rather than as a woman is just to painful.  I’m at the point where it has to be all or nothing, but I don’t think it can be.

My head is near to exploding and I needed to write it down.  I’m not looking for answers, there aren’t any, only difficult choices.  But thank you for reading and caring.

Monday, 13 July 2015

Watch out, girl at work

As you are probably aware, I can, when I wish (a lot) go into Rhiannon mode in the office.  The kind people I work with are lovely about it and treat me perfectly as a woman.  It makes me very happy and I smile a lot as I work away.  Thought I'd share these with you...one was today, one was a couple of months ago.  Also a few outings coming up which I'm looking forward to reporting - a couple of lunches and my second Pink Punters night.  The dress is selected as are the cute sandals (ones that actually fit this time!) :o)

  

Thursday, 2 July 2015

The case of the irritating sandal…

I really love sandals.  There, I said it.  Perhaps not the most glamourous of footwear, but comfy and shows off painted toenails a treat.  Over the last few years the trend has been in my favour - lots of sandals with just a toe post and no back to them.  Perfect.  I have a size 10 wide (oaf) feet and that design works for me.

This year, naively, I decided to update my sandal collection.  I love the fact that you can buy sparkly jewellery topped sandals.  They are sooooo cute, I just couldn’t resist.  They have a leather back but my foot still fits perfectly into them, they look wonderful.  Cinderella shall go to the ball.

Except.

Except they have a mangle of straps that are supposed to go over the top of your foot and clearly the designers have not thought about oaf feet when they supplied the straps.  The straps are about 4 inches (9-ish centimetres) too short.  I have a lovely thing on my foot, but I can’t do it up.  Irritating.  Surely the fact that someone has bought a size 10-wide means that the rest of the foot is also larger and isn’t a weird flat shape - i.e. the length of an overgrown woman and the height of a prepubescent 8 year old.

Another shoe sadly consigned to the charity shop.  Shame really as I saw a lady the other day wearing the same sandal.  With jeans and a cute top, she looked amazing.  I was looking forward to emulating the look, but clearly shoe designers (as ever) hate us…