Sunday, 19 March 2017

I ruin lives

I remember watching “Pretty Woman” for the first time and obviously loving it.  The sad moment, that stuck out for me was when Edward, the main male lead said, “Impossible relationships. My special gift is impossible relationships.”  I know it sounds so self-pitying and maudlin, but at the moment, it feels like my special gift is ruining other people’s lives.   Why is it that a lot of the time, you can feel happy and upbeat and positive and then other times - this morning included - you feel like you’d rather just run out and dive underneath a bus.  I’ve not felt like this for a very long time, but the enormity of the way in which I have a negative impact on people who get close to me is frightening.  And sad.  I feel toxic.  I should warn people not to get to know me because I’m likely just to end up hurting them too.

I have had so many relationships recently where things have gone awry.  Clearly, I’m systematically destroying my family life at the moment.  A couple of people in my fat club got in the path.  Someone at work.  People at a group I’m giving up leading to transition who are struggling to find a new leader.  Making it difficult for the people who employ me.  The thing is that I never intend to do it.  I try my hardest to be a nice person.  In fact, sometimes you might accuse me of being a people pleaser.  But somehow, haphazardly, by not thinking, by reacting from my pain, sadness and insecurity, I cause more pain than I help.

The thing is, I know that my transition is only going to make this even worse.  In my selfish attempt to achieve desperately needed congruence, I am the cause of other’s sadness and grief.  Whilst I know I have no choice but to do it because it is getting to such a distressing point, I’m also going to have to find a way of living with myself knowing there is a trail of destruction behind me that I have caused.  I feel like I’ve lived my life running from a tornado and everyone who gets near me ends up in its path too.  Many of them just haven’t learnt to run fast enough and get caught.

I’m not going to write anymore.  So so sorry if I sound like a self pitying cow.  Just having a really hard day today and this is my place to go.  You can probably tell I have sobbed my whole way through the writing of this blog.  But I needed just to say it.  Sometimes you do.

Sunday, 5 March 2017

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone…

Silence is rarely good when it comes to my blog.  This hiatus is consistent with that theory.  I'm filled with very mixed emotions that I'm struggling to process at the moment, let alone to articulate.  If I had a gun to my head, I would say that it is like the worst sadness ever, combined with relief.  The cause is easier to explain than the emotion.  For various reasons, I had to reveal my plans to transition to Mrs A.  So she knows.  My ever lovely and beautiful wife now knows that after years of fighting, I'm giving in and that with any luck, by the end of this year, I will have followed in the footsteps of many of you and transitioned to live full time as female.  As the real me.

This happened a few weeks ago now and the pain that I've caused her in making and communicating that decision is difficult to describe.  The depth of the guilt I feel is almost, at times, making me feel like life could never be happy again.  I knew that I had to do it and so one Friday night, I set my face and did it.  Ironically, she read the moment and knew that I had something to talk to her about.   I handed over the letter that I'd written, and watched the anguish and tears form in the face I love.   My heart nearly burst with sadness and swelled with a love for her that I thought forgotten.  Like watching a car crash happen in slow motion, I just wanted to rip the letter from her hands and to laugh, to pretend it was a joke, but I couldn't.  I had to go through with it.

For me, for a long time, the pain of feeling so incongruent has been building to a fever pitch.  Yet, the depth of sadness has of late contrasted with the complete happiness and sense of wellbeing I get from being who I am inside.  I reached the conclusion that unless I do it, I'm going to forever feel heartbreakingly sad.  A friend recently said, 'why do you have to set yourself on fire to keep everyone warm.'  The moment of clarity broke through finally and I got it.

So since I last blogged a lot has happened:  we are still together, in the same house. Not ideal, not because I don't want to be there but because I feel the desperate urge to try to make things better when I'm the cause of the problem.  I just want to reach out, hug her and tell her it's going to be ok, knowing that probably for a long while it won't be.  At work, I had meetings and they know my intentions.  Lots more meetings to come, but so far so good.  We’ve won some new work and I’m busier than I ever have been.  In line with my Doctor’s advice, I’m trying to simplify my life and to jettison a broad range of extra-curricular commitments.  My kind and loyal friends have rushed to help, I've been to support group and had more new people willing to be there.

But my whole concern is for her.  Is she getting any level of support?  She is not someone who easily opens up.  Even her natural supporters sometimes struggle to get her to reveal her emotions.  I fear for her.   And especially for the next x period of time while we are in ambiguous limbo.

I will keep you posted obviously, but having a hard time right now…