Sunday, 5 March 2017

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone…

Silence is rarely good when it comes to my blog.  This hiatus is consistent with that theory.  I'm filled with very mixed emotions that I'm struggling to process at the moment, let alone to articulate.  If I had a gun to my head, I would say that it is like the worst sadness ever, combined with relief.  The cause is easier to explain than the emotion.  For various reasons, I had to reveal my plans to transition to Mrs A.  So she knows.  My ever lovely and beautiful wife now knows that after years of fighting, I'm giving in and that with any luck, by the end of this year, I will have followed in the footsteps of many of you and transitioned to live full time as female.  As the real me.

This happened a few weeks ago now and the pain that I've caused her in making and communicating that decision is difficult to describe.  The depth of the guilt I feel is almost, at times, making me feel like life could never be happy again.  I knew that I had to do it and so one Friday night, I set my face and did it.  Ironically, she read the moment and knew that I had something to talk to her about.   I handed over the letter that I'd written, and watched the anguish and tears form in the face I love.   My heart nearly burst with sadness and swelled with a love for her that I thought forgotten.  Like watching a car crash happen in slow motion, I just wanted to rip the letter from her hands and to laugh, to pretend it was a joke, but I couldn't.  I had to go through with it.

For me, for a long time, the pain of feeling so incongruent has been building to a fever pitch.  Yet, the depth of sadness has of late contrasted with the complete happiness and sense of wellbeing I get from being who I am inside.  I reached the conclusion that unless I do it, I'm going to forever feel heartbreakingly sad.  A friend recently said, 'why do you have to set yourself on fire to keep everyone warm.'  The moment of clarity broke through finally and I got it.

So since I last blogged a lot has happened:  we are still together, in the same house. Not ideal, not because I don't want to be there but because I feel the desperate urge to try to make things better when I'm the cause of the problem.  I just want to reach out, hug her and tell her it's going to be ok, knowing that probably for a long while it won't be.  At work, I had meetings and they know my intentions.  Lots more meetings to come, but so far so good.  We’ve won some new work and I’m busier than I ever have been.  In line with my Doctor’s advice, I’m trying to simplify my life and to jettison a broad range of extra-curricular commitments.  My kind and loyal friends have rushed to help, I've been to support group and had more new people willing to be there.

But my whole concern is for her.  Is she getting any level of support?  She is not someone who easily opens up.  Even her natural supporters sometimes struggle to get her to reveal her emotions.  I fear for her.   And especially for the next x period of time while we are in ambiguous limbo.

I will keep you posted obviously, but having a hard time right now…

16 comments:

  1. What to say?

    I am here for you, if you need help. 💗

    May I add that you're not giving in? It's not losing the fight, but - and I should stress this is opinion - you're accepting who you are and who you need to be.

    I sincerely hope your wife receives support from friends and family.

    Put your own oxygen mask on first, then you can help others.

    L x

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    1. Thank you Lynn, I'm genuinely really grateful and I will definitely take you up on it. Its going to be hard - and your point is well made, I shouldn't be making it harder by being so hard on myself. I've really tried very hard for years to avoid this and to do everything I could think of. I really hope she gets help and support too - I've realised just how much I love her through this process. But I think I'm inevitably spirally towards the end of us. x

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  2. You and your wife are very brave, both of you. I hope you and she get lots of loving support. I'm glad you're still together and I hope all will work out well. Sue x

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    1. Thank you Sue. Unfortunately, my wife - and its rightly her choice - doesn't want to be with a woman which I can completely understand. Its not what she signed up for. Despite knowing I was trans when we married, neither of us envisaged me taking this step. Its just incredibly sad. But one way or another, it will work out I'm sure in the end. x

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  3. This is the hardest part to go through because I was there too 8 years ago. There is no way to avoid the mixture of guilt, grief and sadness and then depression sets in. All I can say is that eventually the shroud lifts and you find a way to go forward. If I may be so bold as to suggest: please go slow here and take the time to look inside and reflect because right now you are in a volatile state. Take the time alone that is coming and think and think. I promise that things get better....

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    1. Joanna, not too bold at all. I love your blog and think that you have a great deal of wisdom to impart - I'm grateful that you read my blog and that you take the time to help. You made the point about going slow to me some time ago and I've held onto it since. I have slowed this whole thing down several times to make sure that I'm sure. I have weighed this up and agonised as a result. Other kind ladies on here have helped me realise the seriousness of the decision I'm taking here. The thing I'm grappling with now is actually trying to maintain that sober and careful pace - as I tell people and things start happening, things are inevitably going quickly. I wish with every part of me that it could be different. I will hold on now to your encouragement that things will get better - I'm going to need those words in the coming months. x

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  4. My thoughts and prayers are with you both on this. Best wishes and God bless.

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    1. Joanna - thank you lovely lady, I really do appreciate it. I need all I can get right now. x

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  5. On fire to keep everyone warm is a perfect way to describe us...

    The greatest worry at this point is that your loving partner will make a quick and rash decision to part only to regret it some way down the line, seen it so many times. There is a reason that we have / had the partners we chose or chose us. Something within us, perhaps not fully recognised, is the essence of who we truly are and made us desirable to live with. That essence will be there and stronger once you are set free and it is always a shame when a partner has left and lost the chance to enjoy it fully.

    The hardest part is getting to the edge, now that you have jumped you just get on with it, sweep through the process and with luck enjoy finally using the word "me" honestly.

    Best of luck.

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    1. Thank you so much :o) - I really appreciate the encouragement. I think you are right, although I get frustrated, it is my situation that drives that - in reality, I'm very gentle and loving and I think that's what she originally saw. She cannot envisage a future with another woman and will never accept me. I just hope that she doesn't sour others and our kids against me.

      I'm free falling now and am part scared, part exhilarated. I'd never thought about it in those terms but the though of honestly saying me has just ignited renewed excitement in my soul. x

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  6. You will get by because the fire within you burns brighter than that that surrounds you.

    You know i love my fire quotes.

    Lh xx

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    1. You are a very wise woman - thank you lovely lady. With friends like you, I know that I will make it through xxx

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  7. I have a rather different perspective on this as I approached the precipice of total transition and, for the sake of our marriage and love for my wife, turned back. I had gone through all the psychotherapy, surmounted all the hurdles and was only a few weeks away from being referred for GRS, but couldn't go through with it.

    I now live with an intense feeling of loss and of what might have been and I'm often driven to tears, but I can't turn back the clock; my age is against me now and the opportunity has been lost. Perhaps our marriage is stronger than it would have been, but our relationship has still been damaged and it's hard for me not to feel resentment at being 'held back'. But the decision was ultimately mine and mine alone, and it's unfair to blame others.

    I guess what I'm saying is that you've already come too far to avoid the pain. Perhaps your dear wife already realizes this. But couple can and do survive, and love can still triumph. With all my heart, I hope it does.

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  8. Nothing to add that hasn't already been said better above. I am rooting for you, Rhi. I think you did what you needed to in order to survive. That is nothing to feel bad about. Things will work out in time.

    All my best,
    Leslie

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  9. Rhiannon,

    I am a wife of a trans woman. My heart hurts for both of you right now, this is the most difficult time for sure in my experience. I am part of a few support groups on Facebook with other wives/partners of trans women. It was really helpful and needed in the beginning.

    I have a blog as well, it helped me cope with my feelings. The good news is that I just looked back and it was 2013 when I first started it. We're still together and I am so proud of both of us for what we've learned over the years. I think we are a stronger couple now more than ever.

    I would be happy to invite your wife to the support group. Or talk to her via email. I'd be happy to talk to you as well via email if you have questions.

    My blog is myidentityjourney.blogspot.com

    I think you can email me through the blog, but if not you can email followyourbliss4u@gmail.com if you'd like to know more.

    And a quick note about your most recent blog...

    No matter what you feel about how others react to you, what you're doing is for the best. Being authentic and true to yourself is an amazing thing. You don't need to apologize for being you.

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  10. Hi hon,

    My apologies for this delayed reply. I'm finally getting my head above water after a frantic four months. My heart goes out to you and your wife. I'm here if you ever want to chat - about anything. Just ping me and I'm there. :-) All the best, Miss R!!! xoxoxo

    Hugs,
    Cass

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