Its been a month and I’m sorry for the delay. Last time I blogged, I was in a very sad place. There was a lot going on that made me feel helplessly distraught. You might have noticed if you read it. I'm also sorry for not responding to the comments - you can't begin to imagine how much they are appreciated. Particularly when I was feeling as low as I was at the time.
I'm finding that the longer I go without Rhiannon in my life as an integral part, the harder things get. Firstly, the dysphoric feeling grows and I feel increasingly out of place and wrong in my own skin. Secondly that my confidence about my presentation ebbs from me. There is something about the dynamic of frequent presentation as Rhiannon that helps me grow more into it, to push it further and that makes me happier and more assured. Having dressed only twice in the last 10 months (I have no idea how I managed that), I am scared of stepping outside my door again. I am back into the frame of mind that says, when I go out, that I look like a man in a dress. I can go out, but I don’t think I fool anyway.
Another very lovely local lady who lives within 10 minutes of me and I had planned a trip out for lunch. Other things came up for me that meant that I had to do something else. But also part of me wonders whether I would have had the strength to do it anyway? In a weird co-incidence, I went, with my kids, to get haircuts done yesterday morning. Weirdly, the chef at the place we had planned to go to was in having a haircut. I’ve always been careful about mixing up Rhiannon life and guy life, but that was a bit close for comfort. Do I think for a moment I’d have seen him if I’d have gone to the restaurant? Given that I look very different when I’m Rhiannon, would he have spotted me and put it all together? Never. But when you have the wrong frame of mind, you can’t help but wonder can you?
Previously, I did various things to get back on the horse and maybe I need to do them again. Having been ‘discovered’ by my wife on my first occasion of dressing this year so quickly, the guilt of doing what I was trying not to do was overwhelming. Maybe getting back to the basics would help?
On a separate note, one of the things that struck me in the comments on my last blog was the comments about my wife and how this impacts on her. I wanted to address that because I think that unless you read back into my previous (nearly 100) blogs, you probably aren’t aware of the situation. I have some new readers I think.
My wife and I have been married for nearly 20 years. I told her about Rhiannon before we married. Her belief (and mine at the time) - I was 21 - was that this would go away. We felt that we were safe to get married because once we got settled into our relationship, it would be a thing of the past. Naive, I know now, but I didn’t know back then. At varying times through our relationship the subject has come back up and she is incredibly unhappy that I have chosen to see this as part of my life and to allow it to continue. You might dislike her for that view, but it is consistent with her strong Christian belief structure. She has in fairness to her, never wavered from it. I think that if she was dealing with another trans person, she would have all the compassion in the world, but not with her ‘man’. In fact over the years she has become more anti-Rhiannon. To the point where she and I have separated twice. The last occasion was for about 8 months. She is less bothered about the dressing in reality and more unhappy that I think of myself as a women and that I give myself another name. She feels that I am saying that God made a mistake by making me a man. She’s right, that’s exactly how I feel. We tenuously got back together, on my part because I couldn’t bear to not see my kids whenever I wanted, every day if possible. I missed seeing them wake up happy because their ‘nuclear undivorced family’ world was intact.
The recommendation in various comments have implied that I should stop withholding the fact that I feel like this again from her. Those of you who know me personally know that I feel an incredible amount of guilt for lying in this way. But also know that if I decide to go back to Rhiannon more regularly and to make it part of my life, that divorce will inevitably, definitely and completely ensue. Conversation has been had over 20 years and I’m left in no doubt whatsoever of my position. There is little point talking with her other than to say how wonderful my life is without Rhiannon. There is certainly no compromise or possibility for understanding. My options are stop or hide it and stay married with my kids. Or to continue and break up forever with no possibility of getting back together. Therein lies the root of my sadness. I can have a relationship that I’ve held onto for 20 years or Rhiannon. But not both.
To be honest, I’ve never really worked out where to go from there. I want Rhiannon desperately, but I don’t want to break up my kid's home to get what I want. Other friends counsel me to wait until the kids leave home and then leave my wife. I feel cruel doing that - at least if I broke it up now my wife would have some years to find someone else - and I might too. If I wait 10 years, it will probably be harder to do. I know that many reading this have made this sacrifice to be the women they were born to be. I'm probably just weak, but I'm still holding on for dear life.