That probably sums it up. And was written three days ago because I’m struggling to find the right words and am finding it hard to even tell myself without crying.
Further to my previous blog and in a desperate (and I mean desperate) attempt to save my relationship with the people I love, I’m trying to detach myself from my transgenderness. This is probably the opposite blog from most you have ever read before on that basis. Instead of making myself more girly, I’m trying to be a boy again.
But OMG is it hard.
I’ve promised myself that I will try. I will never be able to live with myself if I get to the point where I lose those people without having tried everything that it humanly possible to overcome what I feel inside.
I’m so sad and I feel like I’m letting myself, and all of you, my sisters, down by even trying. I’ve known I felt like a girl and not a boy for the last 30 years. Through a lack of bravery, a massive amount of stupidity, a dash of false hope and a terrible context, I’ve allowed myself to create a non-girl life that now demands some payback.
I’ve tried to stop feeling like this before. Who hasn’t? I’ve never succeeded. Why should I now? I’m not sure that I can. But I’ve surely got to try. To be honest, I’ve never had so much at stake before, so much that I could lose. That really is a motivator.
I’ve read hundreds of blogs and know the price that most transgendered people have paid for their intent to be female. I see every hard decision they’ve agonised over when they are in my shoes. And perhaps you could say, they’ve been braver than me – or maybe just less stupid. But I keep coming back to the point that unless I try, unless I do my best for my loved ones, they’ll always wonder and so will I.
So please, bear with me. I need you, the kind people who read my blog and then comment, encourage and empathise with me, even more now. My journey forges on and I still want to record it here. Going back to my original aim, I need a place where I can think – and this continues, rightly or wrongly, to be it for now.