Monday, 28 November 2011

I'm scared

I have just finished writing an eloquent blog on why I’m feeling angry and frustrated and that it’s spilling out.  The paragraph from that, which is the only one that has survived, is the one that made me realise what the problem really was:

“As I write this, I realise my train of thought is in the same direction as my last post.  I’m just looking for a way to cope.  I’m just looking at the same problem again from a different angle.  I’m wasting my mental energy on a problem I’ve already solved, but that I’m afraid to take action on.”

I now know what I need to do, but honestly, I’m scared to do it.   My last post on how to cope received some elegant and helpful responses from some very kind ladies.  Together with my mulling, I realise there are five things I need to do urgently:

  • Seek professional support – my doctor is a good place to start and I think they’ll be able to help.
  • Find people to talk to about it – ‘nebby’ (Midland-ish for nosy – who knew?) bloggers and other people who I know care about me.
  • Go to a support group and talk to other people in my situation.  Does anyone know if such groups mind having really fat girls attending their meetings?  Most seem more glamourous, skinny and chique than I could even dream of being.  
  • Find ways of incorporating Rhiannon in without it necessarily being too obvious. 
  • Cut down my work and find time to relax properly.  I’ve been overdoing it for far too long now.

Lynn Jones captured it well, as she tends to, with: “it's not going to be bad forever.... but you may have to step out of your comfort zone to get out of the mire”.  That’s the problem and therein too, the rub.  All five of those things are outside of my current comfort zone and I’ve never been well known for being able to ‘man up’ to the challenge.

I’ve cogitated on the advice for a while now.  Tried to find ways of getting different advice that was easier to do.  Ran in and out of the heavy storm a couple of times.  But never really stood out in it properly and got soaked to the skin.  I guess it’s just about putting one foot in front of the other and to keeping doing that until you aren’t angry and frustrated anymore and that instead you are in a happy place.  Not sure that place exists at the moment, but its time to find out.

Monday, 21 November 2011

How do you cope?

I don’t know about you, but I find this life quite tough.  Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to change it.  I live for the times when I’m able to present the person I actually am on the inside to the rest of the world.  But it happens only infrequently and it is that infrequency that is the cause of my angst.  And it causes me to have to try to find a way to cope.

It seems hard for people who don’t live with it to understand.  Maybe I’m alone in feeling like this, but it is there with me all the time.  I never go for more than a few minutes without thinking about it.   Every time I look around you, everything I watch on television, every day at work, whenever I go out, there are reminders of what I can’t be and what I can’t have. But worse than that is the ongoing pangs of regret at how things turned out.  Don’t get me wrong, my family, in particular, is important, but I also know that the more I increasingly follow my heart, the more hurt and pain I am likely to cause to them.  Its hard to live with that and it tears at my thoughts all the time and makes me feel sad.  

I clearly don’t begrudge women their gender.  My position is nobodies fault, there is no-one to blame.  If anything I blame myself.  Why did I not realise that this was inevitably going to be the final conclusion in the final analysis.  Why did I not stop the world and get off when I was 30 or 20 or even 10.  Its not like I didn’t know what I was, even then.   When I was growing up, before the internet age, all I had to go on was that transvestism (as it was presented then) was for perverts and weirdos and that society found more deplorable than gay people.  I was both of those things (well, bi-sexual at least) and was horrified at feeling like I did.

But the point is that when you have this secret and know what you know, how do you live a normal existence day-by-day?  I’m afraid to say I don’t.  I work as hard as I possibly can for most of my day - I try to dutifully put the thoughts from my mind and get on.  Some days I succeed better than others.  But then the evening arrives and the structure disappears.  I hold onto work as late as possible - 7, 8 or 9 o’clock.  But with that gone, I found the only thing that numbs it all: I eat a hearty meal and drink more than my share of alcohol.  Alcohol is useful in this fight.  Drinking causes some people to be aggressive, some to gain bravado, some to get loud.  I sleep.  The soporific calming makes me forget about my feelings.  I’ve questioned at times whether I’m an alcoholic if I’m perfectly honest with you.  But I know that I can stop for periods of time if I have to or want to, but there is an addiction of sorts in there.  The release from my thoughts in exchange for a bottle or two of wine or beer.  It seems like a small price to pay.

Except that I'm paying the price: the classic, “moment on the lips, lifetime on the hips” situation.  My weight yo-yos anyway, but I’m at the larger end of it at the moment and that makes it worse.   The small price is becoming a bigger one that is sitting on my body making me look even less like the beautiful girl I want to be.  But also that its not doing my internal organs any favours and I don't want problems into later life.

It strikes me that the only real way of coping is to be what I truly am. 100% out 100% of the time.  But its not possible right now.  So I found myself wondering what others do to cope with this turmoil.  For some I’m sure its sex or drugs, or depression pills or even a shrink.

So can I ask for advice please?  I know I’ve asked for it a lot of late, but you are all a lot more experienced than me and it would be nice to have some new strategies to try to master (or mistress) my thoughts and to take control.

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Fluffy Posts Inc.

A non-content entry today.  So apologies to those who like my sparkling wit and eloquent ramblings (an oxymoron if ever there was one).  But I had myself snapped this week and I wanted to share them with you.

I will resume normal service as soon as possible, but in the mean time, I hope that you'll forgive my self indulgent narcissism.  And that you won't be too harsh on a fat chick.



Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Female ratings? and androgyny

Don't worry, this isn't a Strictly Come Dancing situation where we have to hold up funny sticks indicating what score we are giving to any passing woman. Or to each other for that matter. Although I think there are some sites that allow you to do that. Off topic, but based on Strictly, wasn't Jason D amazing this week. This girl is in serious danger of getting a crush. Inappropriate, given my 37 years.

Anyway, to the point. I had a fun, interesting email exchange recently with Becca of fame. I was talking about how I want to try to start to blend my male and female personas together a little bit more. Effectively trying to wear female clothes or accessories while ostensibly in drab. I've heard tell that some people out there do this successfully. For example this might be (stereotypically) wearing more pink, or buying and wearing girl jeans, sporting girl socks or even wearing female body spray or perfume. Brave new world.

I'm struggling with this a little and Becca posed one of her usual insightful comments: "it sounds like everything you buy has to go through an internal check as to it's 'female rating' - if it's too high then it's not bought."

This really set me thinking and my reply was: "I definitely do have an internal female checking monitor.  I guess that it is to do with the fact that I've spent my life paranoid that someone might find out my secret.  The challenge now is that I want to raise the female rating level and I'm not quite sure where that new level should be. I need to be both happy personally and also have it so that I draw only the right level of attention to myself.  For example, and it sounds small, but I've started to use Oil of Olay as my moisturiser, but so far it's not drawn any attention, but ridiculously I was nervous when I started because it doesn't smell like a man should. I particularly try to think about what level will avoid tipping off Mrs A so she doesn't ask awkward questions.

"If we use a scale out of 10, previously if an item was above a 3, I'd have to reject it. Now I wonder how I could push it to level 5 to make me happy. And is that noticeable? In reality I want to be an 8 or a 9 out of 10. 

"In guy mode, I'm not very good at working out how to blend androgyny into my wardrobe.  So I have no real clothes that I can wear in boy mode.  I have a couple of pairs of girl jeans that I could wear, but I'm not sure if they look too obviously girl like.  I should ask one of my girl friends for a second opinion.  I think they are more obvious because they have that style of being tighter around the thighs and then they flare out.  Great for heels, but that might be too obvious!  But if I bought some girl boots with a low wedge heel, would that look to girly because they are girls shoes? I wear pink shirts and clothes etc, but they are very much in a man's style.  

"At the moment I'm growing longer nails and am determined to grow my hair out a bit. Things are starting to creep through. But wearing body spray or perfume would probably be a step too far.  I don't know anyone who wears ambiguous or even vaguely womanly perfume - if they did, I would assume that they were very gender ambiguous.  I'd assume that it was a big tell that they were transgendered."

The conversation went on and in reality I want an 11 where I present as a girl all the time, but given that is not realistically on the horizon, what to do? I was wondering what other people who have to live in male mode did to blend in their girl side - to be happy do you have to go to a 5 or above, or do you avoid it completely and push it to 3 or below because dressing as a girl a couple of times a month is enough? If you do try to blend, what do you do -- this girl for one is curious to know.