Friday, 20 April 2012

It ebbs and it flows

I should be working right now.  I know that its 6am UK time, but at the moment, I really can’t stop to blog.  Yet, I want to get things down.  You know how it is: things bottle up don’t they?  Then a dam needs to burst out somewhere.

Life is somewhat confusing and frustrating at the moment.   I’m working harder than I’ve ever worked - keeping down (or trying to) two jobs that are both very demanding.  I was supposed to have stopped doing that some time ago, but it never happened.  The balance is about to change with me going part time in one to allow time for the other.  That was a blessed relief until this week.  This week was feedback week in the form of my annual review.  The backdrop is that I have worked harder this year than any other year, but also that I’m actually a relatively disorganised person, last minute person.  I’ve done loads to address this and made some progress, but from this week’s meeting, clearly not enough.  I’m redoubling my efforts because its what I do, but it was quite disheartening, even though it was deserved and I expected it.   Maybe the problem is that to hold two jobs, you need to be the most organised person in the world.  Maybe I’m really not playing to my strengths.

But all of that is bearable if I’m getting Rhiannon time.  But that is what has been ebbing and flowing.  Thinking about and being sad that I was born with a boy’s body hasn’t lessened.  I don’t know about you, but it very rarely escapes my mind.  At least every 5-10 minutes my mind wanders in that direction and I feel slightly choked at what I’ve missed out on.  But being busy has meant that I’ve just not been in a position to do anything about it.  This week I’ve been away from home: I left on Sunday and am going home today.  5 nights.  5 different hotels.  6 long days and have been out every evening.  All of the nights out have been really fun, mostly with people I care about.  But it does frustrate me that none of those evenings were able to be pretty.  Although in one case that will change in the future I think. Over the last couple of weeks I had two girl nights out planned, but both of them had to give way to work commitments.  Having gone through a period where I have been presenting as Rhiannon more, even if it was just to myself, it made things easier.

What’s also been weird at work that I just don’t get, is that transgender and dressing as the opposite sex jokes have recently become de rigueur in my presence.   Mainly by people who don’t know about me, so I don't think its targeted towards me, but its strange.  At a recent all day meeting there were at least 10 jokes about it.  On the face of it, you would think that I was wrong and that people just know and aren’t letting on.  But when the jokes are made, there is no embarrassment in the room or sideways looks at me - it is always genuinely good natured, albeit wildly offensive to me!   Then clearly I precipitated some more a couple of days ago by borrowing some hand cream for my very dry hands.  Not doing that again.  The comments from people who don’t know about me being a girl just for doing that were ridiculous.  Happy to be called a girl (I am one after all), but not through some attempt to embarrass me.

Its just a really frustrating and nondescript time where progress is slow and where, despite putting in loads of effort, I’m going backwards.

Plus - and this is the clincher.  I’ve been trying to get to buy a new handbag for at least 4 weeks and have not had a moment to do it.  I need shoes and a bag.  Retail therapy surely has to be the answer to my current out of sorts feeling? :o)

Monday, 2 April 2012

Still very fat :o(

I have to face up to it.  The diet has not made a very impressive start this month.  In fact, I have demonstrated a consummate ability to avoid starting it properly.  That has been good from a self-discovery perspective: I realise even more that I am excellent at planning to start to do things tomorrow.  

I have made a start though - 4 lbs came off (several times) and there were 4-5 days where no alcohol passed my lips.  But I didn’t set the dieting world alight and I didn’t drop any dress sizes.  That might sound rubbish, but some progress is better than no progress.  AND the more exciting thing is that I haven’t wasted the month completely: there are weight loss plans are afoot.  I know, I know... planning tomorrow etc etc.

I don’t know about you, but I find it very hard to motivate myself to do anything by half measures.  If I am working towards something and I know that it is just going to be ok, I won’t bother.  Whereas if I think it is going to be spectacular then I’ll work my (very pretty) socks off to accomplish it.  I need big goals and to really to drive towards.  Its the way I’m made I guess.  

Based on that build up, hopefully this doesn’t sound lame, but I’ve put myself forward for a 10k walk over big hills.  That's a huge deal for me - I've never achieved anything like that before.  3 months I have to prepare, which means I have to ring the gym up and get myself membership even despite the exorbitant cost.  I have also got a start date for a diet club.  April is really busy for me with meals out.  I have been saving them up for a while, so the diet club starts first week in May, but I am determined that I’m starting to lose some weight in April.

As an aside, as you will recall from my previous posts, I have my toenails painted most of the time.  What do you girls do when you go to the gym - do you just take it off or is there a way around it?  Especially when you have to go for a shower.  Tart-red nails are presumably quite noticeable?  (Actually it's grape sorbet at the moment, but I'm planning for a change this week! :o) )

The thing is that a lot of the over-eating and over-drinking is stress related for me.  I know other people handle it differently, but I respond to a really tense work situation, this whole weird gender thing and a tough familial challenge with food and wine.  The trick I’ve never managed to find is a healthy alternative stress relief.  (Did you notice I didn't even consider reducing the actual stress level?!)  Exercise has never really appealed or excited me and I’m not a hobby type of person.  A bit lazy out of work really.  Oh well, I'm going to try exercise again as a way to avoid it.  We’ll see.  Got to do something, I am getting quite sad about the current state of my weight and am worrying about the long term implications for my health.   Added to which, I keep being sent emails from all of the main clothes shops about the lovely clothes they have that I can’t fit into.  Now that’s annoying.  Hopefully worry (or frustration) at the very least will drive me to actually start.

Postscript: told another person yesterday about my secret.  An old schoolfriend.  She couldn’t have been lovelier.  Made me smile.  She was concerned for me, but so accepting.  Although we were chatting on-line, I felt so hugged.