Friday, 20 April 2012
It ebbs and it flows
I should be working right now. I know that its 6am UK time, but at the moment, I really can’t stop to blog. Yet, I want to get things down. You know how it is: things bottle up don’t they? Then a dam needs to burst out somewhere.
Life is somewhat confusing and frustrating at the moment. I’m working harder than I’ve ever worked - keeping down (or trying to) two jobs that are both very demanding. I was supposed to have stopped doing that some time ago, but it never happened. The balance is about to change with me going part time in one to allow time for the other. That was a blessed relief until this week. This week was feedback week in the form of my annual review. The backdrop is that I have worked harder this year than any other year, but also that I’m actually a relatively disorganised person, last minute person. I’ve done loads to address this and made some progress, but from this week’s meeting, clearly not enough. I’m redoubling my efforts because its what I do, but it was quite disheartening, even though it was deserved and I expected it. Maybe the problem is that to hold two jobs, you need to be the most organised person in the world. Maybe I’m really not playing to my strengths.
But all of that is bearable if I’m getting Rhiannon time. But that is what has been ebbing and flowing. Thinking about and being sad that I was born with a boy’s body hasn’t lessened. I don’t know about you, but it very rarely escapes my mind. At least every 5-10 minutes my mind wanders in that direction and I feel slightly choked at what I’ve missed out on. But being busy has meant that I’ve just not been in a position to do anything about it. This week I’ve been away from home: I left on Sunday and am going home today. 5 nights. 5 different hotels. 6 long days and have been out every evening. All of the nights out have been really fun, mostly with people I care about. But it does frustrate me that none of those evenings were able to be pretty. Although in one case that will change in the future I think. Over the last couple of weeks I had two girl nights out planned, but both of them had to give way to work commitments. Having gone through a period where I have been presenting as Rhiannon more, even if it was just to myself, it made things easier.
What’s also been weird at work that I just don’t get, is that transgender and dressing as the opposite sex jokes have recently become de rigueur in my presence. Mainly by people who don’t know about me, so I don't think its targeted towards me, but its strange. At a recent all day meeting there were at least 10 jokes about it. On the face of it, you would think that I was wrong and that people just know and aren’t letting on. But when the jokes are made, there is no embarrassment in the room or sideways looks at me - it is always genuinely good natured, albeit wildly offensive to me! Then clearly I precipitated some more a couple of days ago by borrowing some hand cream for my very dry hands. Not doing that again. The comments from people who don’t know about me being a girl just for doing that were ridiculous. Happy to be called a girl (I am one after all), but not through some attempt to embarrass me.
Its just a really frustrating and nondescript time where progress is slow and where, despite putting in loads of effort, I’m going backwards.
Plus - and this is the clincher. I’ve been trying to get to buy a new handbag for at least 4 weeks and have not had a moment to do it. I need shoes and a bag. Retail therapy surely has to be the answer to my current out of sorts feeling? :o)