Sunday, 19 June 2011

I’ll cross that bridge…

So, it’s been a while.  Not deliberately so to be honest.  I’d planned to be more regular here after taking ‘the decision’, but somehow I wasn’t sure how.  I’ve written several blogs in my head over the last two months, but somehow I never put finger to keyboard.

The support and kind words you all gave me made me cry.  Taking a decision to go in a very opposite direction from the one I wanted was so hard.  I thought that the very friendly people I have interacted with on here would be upset and that I’d be accused of letting the side down.  Surely, when you feel like you should have been born as a girl, its impossible to change that or to ignore that side of you.  But instead the words were so warm, wise and sincere, they were like being hugged by a best friend.

So the last two months have been an experiment with very mixed results I have to say.   If you have to give up something like this, the only real advice I can give is to put yourself into a position where you are so busy that you notice nothing else in your whole life, let alone how you are dressed and feeling!  2.4 jobs at the same time have been my curse and my salvation.  I just simply don’t have time to think about it.

I continued to allow myself the indulgence of this blog.  I’ve not stopped voraciously reading and regularly cheering at the continuing experiences of people who I can only say make me feel so proud of how brave they are.  Tales of going out and about, putting up with mean families, attending GIC clinics, nights out, new shoes, new make up etc, have kept me smiling and feeling like there is a bit of me that hasn’t just died.

I think with sadness of my entire wardrobe being packed into two (large) suitcases somewhere in a UK loft that isn’t mine.  And I thank my friend for the kindness of being my storage haven.  I haven’t so much as worn a necklace, a heel or one of my favourite skirts for the whole time.  But what does make me smile in all of this is that the people I am making this sacrifice for are happy.  My family relationships are healing and it’s been a good time for them.

In my heart I’m not sure I’ve moved on, in fact I know I haven’t.  But every day I feel stronger and more at peace with myself over it.  When the jobs start dropping off and I have time on my hands and allow myself to think, I’ll probably be horrified with what I’ve done, but for now I can live with it.  I guess I’ll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

But in mean time, please keep blogging.  Selfishly, if it is only because somewhere in your consciousness you know its because this one-time girl is reading and sucking every ounce of hope for you (and me) from it, then do it.  The creative words that pour out from you mean so much more to people that you can ever possibly imagine.