Saturday, 5 March 2016

Start, stop, start…

Two weeks ago, I had a blissful 24 hours in Rhiannon mode.  I really should do that more often.  How about all the time? :o)  As I said in my last blog, I had, the night before this 24 hours started, spent a fantastic evening with one of my very good friends, A2.  She really is a clever, amazing, accepting, beautiful and awesome lady.  Our conversations went late into the night and were wide ranging, honest, open and very frank.  I feel very lucky to have friends I can talk in that way when needed.  Given that this was all accompanied by some nice wine and Thai food to die for, it was a great evening.  Just a shame it was in boy mode.  Presenting as me would have been a very nice cherry on the cake.

After a good sleep in my favourite pyjamas, I woke up at A2’s house and set about getting made up and dressed.  A2 has seen lots of photos, but never met me as Rhiannon, despite our 15 year friendship, so this was an amazing moment for me, but also a little scary.  As expected, she was lovely and it was very easy.  After some very nice compliments, we both had work to do, so we got on with it.  Settling down at our respective laptops, we bashed out the rest of the morning.  At one point, I asked, “Does this feel weird for you?”  Her response was that it felt more normal than if I’d been presenting male because its actually me.  I need more time with her for sure!  In fact, she has agreed to cook me her signature dish in April, so another Rhiannon evening to be had with her which I am looking forward to a lot.

But all things must come to a end and I needed to leave around lunch time.  I had plans in the afternoon for coffee which came to naught, so I just drove down South ready for dinner with B and K.  Half way down, I realised that I was going to turn up empty handed.  I wanted to buy some Prosecco to take with me, so I stopped off for a quick shop in M&S.  Apart from a few stares, it was very uneventful.  I’m starting to think the stares are just because I’m beautiful rather than for any other reason.  :o)

Then I headed off.  Quick change of top, perfume spritz, new shoes on and I was ready to go to see B and K.  This time, we were at B’s house.  I have mentioned BK before here.  You couldn’t meet two more lovely, kind friends.  B had arranged with her husband for him to be out for the night, but I arrived before he left.  She had brought him up to speed on my situation a couple of weeks ago and I just found him to be amazing.  He was respectful, kind, interesting and accepting.  In fact, I said to B later about how lucky she was - men like that are definite keepers.  I’ve met him once or twice before, but if all men were like him, being trans would be a complete breeze.

B then proceeded to spend the evening completely excelling herself, cordon-bleu style.  After the opening nibbles of designer bread, oil, artichoke hearts, olives and sun-dried tomatoes, she had cooked butternut squash soup.  Both delicious but topped off by home-made meatballs in tomato sauce with tagliatelle.  And if that wasn’t enough, dessert was panna cotta with a summer berry jus and home made bailey’s ice-cream.  I’m surprised that my new top still fitted me afterwards.  Accompany that with just normal, nice conversations about holidays, work, boyfriends, new pets (for K) etc and it was just the kind of night I’ve always dreamt of enjoying.  Feeling very normal and just chatting with the girls.  It felt like that night was a precious gift from B and K.  They don't think they have done anything special, but they have done more than they can imagine.

The title of this blog began ‘start, stop’ because since then, I’ve gone from spending 2-3 days per week in Rhiannon mode and going out at least once a week since New Year, to nothing.  Things have been so busy and I’ve been away a lot, so I’ve not been able to do anything at all.  Its interesting because as a result, all of the sadness, feeling down, lethargy etc has all returned and I’ve been feeling very sad inside again.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some highs, including going to Kinky Boots The Musical in London this week.  Now that deserves its own blog!  But I've not felt right again.

So, *drum roll*, all of that has brought me to a fairly dramatic conclusion.  It has made me realise that I need to present as me more and more and that putting it off, resisting and hiding it, just isn’t going to work at all.  It just leads me to a very unhappy place.  My conclusion is that I need to transition if I possibly can.  This won’t be an overnight thing, there is a lot to do, but I need to start getting ready so that over the next year or two, I’m ready to go.   I mentioned a year ago, in this blog, that I went to the Doctors to tell them I was trans and that it wasn’t the best experience ever.  So this time, at least to start with, I’m going to go private.  I’ve got an appointment booked with Dr Curtis' practice in London and I’m nervously awaiting trying to move my life forward.  I know this sounds like a big step, but honestly, its been building for a long time and I just have to take action before I lose myself.