Sunday, 31 August 2014

Getting back on horses

Two weeks of deliberation has got me there, you'll be relieved to know.  I want to get back on the horse.  The big thing now is trying to figure out the best way to achieve that aim.  You might say that it's obvious as to how to do it, but I need to be sure about why I'm getting back on and to make sure I can stay on this time.  The last couple of times I have been thrown off.  I want to be ready for that sucker.

I have thought about little else of late and the idea of getting to be me again makes me feel an internal relief that I can't even begin to describe.  There is a relaxation and assurance that comes with it that is so fantastic.

As I said in my last blog, I still have a number of hang ups, but I think it's important to develop thick skin.  I felt overwhelmingly supported by the comments on my last blog.  The people who read this and help me are genuinely awesome.  They really helped me to look at the problem of my lack of confidence differently.  I do just need to get used to the fact that people stare anyway at people whether they are trans or not.  It's no different and that even if it is, does it matter anyway?  I need to stop being ashamed of being me.

I've also been bad.  I know I said I wouldn't dive in and do loads of shopping, but I have done a little and am a dress and two pairs of shoes better off.  I love shoes so much.  I saw a pair of ankle boots I liked.  I've always wanted some, so they were a yes immediately.  The other pair of shoes match the dress.  Of course.  You can't buy a dress without shoes, surely?  Based on a recommendation from another blog, I have also set up an appointment to get a new wig.  I've always struggled to get this right, so it'll be great to buy it from a professional and to have it cut to shape.

Beyond that, I'm starting to think about plans for trips out and Rhi time.  Things are in the offing with not much confirmed yet.  But that will change and I'll keep you up to date in terms of progress.

I guess the biggest thing is that now I'm back off holiday, I'm tackling the weight issue with a vengeance.  I know I've said it before, but I have improved appearance to strive for, a small operation to go through and I want to improve my healthiness and fitness.  You know, just in case things move forward.

Thank you so much for your continued readership.  It's been a tough year and I'm sure there are horrible times ahead, but I think I'm taking the right decision for me for once.  I think that equally its exciting...

Saturday, 23 August 2014

Judge, jury and executioner

Following my last blog, this will be of no surprise to you.  I’m grappling with the idea that I might need to just re-emerge again after 8 months of hiding away.  I guess there are some internal challenges with doing that.  Mainly that I have developed some fantastic coping habits relating, for example, to how productive I’m being.  I need to find a way to be Rhiannon, holding all the other things in check and maintaining some things I’ve discovered that I love about my core personality.

But there are also some things that I really need to work through.  Last time I bounced out from a hiatus, I didn’t really handle it well.  I jumped straight back in and to be honest, went a little bit crazy.  I spent loads of money on Rhiannon, work took a dip, personal life got short changed.  Like Dracula let loose in a blood bank, I greedily went mad for everything girl.  I need to learn to integrate a little more this time and to decide how it is going to work.

A key focus is going to have to be to gain clarity about my longer term objectives.  Where do I want this to go — is it going to be full or part-time?  What are the knock on effects of that decision?   Moving forward in anyway, means very likely going back through the horrible loop of potential divorce.  So how can I deal with that a little better than I have?  Or should I not manage it and hide again: lying and fibbing to maintain my family.  That isn’t really me, but its an option that needs consideration.  I can't keep going through a boom and bust cycle.

There are also a number of issues around my confidence that I need to address: I need thicker skin.  My thinking was pushed forward by April’s fantastic and very honest blog.  One of the biggest issues I have is that when I’m out and about, I am ashamed of being Rhiannon.  I feel like I’m being judged constantly by everyone I meet, which creates a real insecurity.  A stray look can be enough to send me in a spiral.  I feel like in the two seconds of someone looking at me, they have spotted from a mile away that I'm trans.  My brain then thinks that they have acted as jury, judge and executioner, instantly thinking I’m stupid, ugly, horrible or worse. When an actual judgement happens, the impact is even greater.  The waiters at last year’s Christmas party have a lot to answer for as their reaction really got to me.  I desperately need to get to get more assured about my appearance.  Not that I need to "improve" it, I know it is ok (apart from my weight), but that I need to feel more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin.  I have to believe that its ok.

There is a lot to do and to think about, but the journey starts...again.  Albeit from a very different place of thinking now.  Internally, I’m breathing a sigh of relief though.

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Can we ever really escape?

Of late, this is the question that I have pondered most.  As I commence my annual holiday, it is probably the first time in months that I have had an opportunity to think.  The other allied question is do I ever want to escape?

Anyway, by way of update.  Things are going ok.  Mainly because I have thrown everything: heart, soul, blood, sweat, tears. Literally everything, into my work.  Is it any wonder that work is going well? Those of you who have read this blog for some time will know that I use work as a kind of transgender escape tunnel. It pushes girl thoughts from my mind.  Not completely. Obviously. Like most of you, approximately every 10 minutes, the pang of desperation to be a girl haunts my mind. The feeling of inadequacy that I'm not female.  The constant wish that I was able to be myself.  Pervading every thought.  But when there is so much work to do, I can mentally push her to one side and robotically get on with the next tick item from my list.

Since I have given up alcohol too: the result of my January illness, none of my "vices" are allowed to flourish.  Jill is a very dull girl.  When you are trying to escape from the biggest of all "vices" (who you are) and alcohol is not available, where else do you turn?  I have never even tried smoking or drugs.  Given that I have an addictive personality, I'm not sure either is a good idea.  So work it is.  To quote Grease's Rizz, "there are worse things I could do."  I guess its the way I'm wired.  I have to be full on with something all the time.

The outside world is astonished at my increased productivity.  My friends see the underbelly.  The sinking into regular despair.  The inability to reconcile my "new life" with the reality of the old.  The desperation to be Rhiannon.  The days that work doesn't win and a kind of depression lands bringing the futility of pointless resistance into sharp contrast.  The jokey comments about nail polish or nice dresses that aren't really jokey.

Really, despite everything I might think, the success in leaving the girl behind and being a high work achiever is not really a success.  There is never ever any escape.  And more importantly, I don't want there to be.  She needs to rise.  The consequences for my marriage and family of allowing that to happen do constantly play on my conscience. But I know that the pull to be myself, to deny her no longer, is stronger.  I know it's a matter of when not if.  For now the fight, rightly, continues. I win battles, but never the war.  Can you ever win a war that deep down you want to lose. Prolonging it for the sake of others is perverse, even if it is the right thing to do.  But bit by bit, day by day, losing I am.  And I've never been happier (or prouder) of being a complete loser.  The woman who is winning is beautiful, kind, loving, fun - and most of all, she deserves her time in the sun.