Sunday, 31 August 2014

Getting back on horses

Two weeks of deliberation has got me there, you'll be relieved to know.  I want to get back on the horse.  The big thing now is trying to figure out the best way to achieve that aim.  You might say that it's obvious as to how to do it, but I need to be sure about why I'm getting back on and to make sure I can stay on this time.  The last couple of times I have been thrown off.  I want to be ready for that sucker.

I have thought about little else of late and the idea of getting to be me again makes me feel an internal relief that I can't even begin to describe.  There is a relaxation and assurance that comes with it that is so fantastic.

As I said in my last blog, I still have a number of hang ups, but I think it's important to develop thick skin.  I felt overwhelmingly supported by the comments on my last blog.  The people who read this and help me are genuinely awesome.  They really helped me to look at the problem of my lack of confidence differently.  I do just need to get used to the fact that people stare anyway at people whether they are trans or not.  It's no different and that even if it is, does it matter anyway?  I need to stop being ashamed of being me.

I've also been bad.  I know I said I wouldn't dive in and do loads of shopping, but I have done a little and am a dress and two pairs of shoes better off.  I love shoes so much.  I saw a pair of ankle boots I liked.  I've always wanted some, so they were a yes immediately.  The other pair of shoes match the dress.  Of course.  You can't buy a dress without shoes, surely?  Based on a recommendation from another blog, I have also set up an appointment to get a new wig.  I've always struggled to get this right, so it'll be great to buy it from a professional and to have it cut to shape.

Beyond that, I'm starting to think about plans for trips out and Rhi time.  Things are in the offing with not much confirmed yet.  But that will change and I'll keep you up to date in terms of progress.

I guess the biggest thing is that now I'm back off holiday, I'm tackling the weight issue with a vengeance.  I know I've said it before, but I have improved appearance to strive for, a small operation to go through and I want to improve my healthiness and fitness.  You know, just in case things move forward.

Thank you so much for your continued readership.  It's been a tough year and I'm sure there are horrible times ahead, but I think I'm taking the right decision for me for once.  I think that equally its exciting...

4 comments:

  1. You don't actually have to buy new shoes every time you go shopping, but I do understand!

    It's also great to see you overcoming the put-downs and not letting them prey on your mind as much as they had.

    As you say, it needs to work this time. A well-planned approach that keeps edging forward, and gives you little rewards and victories without overstretching your self-confidence - that's probably best. I do hope you can call on natal female/advanced trans female company as needed, for an immersive (and protective) experience when out and about.

    Lucy

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  2. Girl power... the force that cannot be denied! :D

    Good for you for taking positive steps, Rhiannon! It's empowering, isn't it? And yes, shoes are essential; how else are you going to move forward on your path, after all? ;D

    Talking with a professional helps enormously as well. I told my therapist from the start that I wanted her to challenge me every step of the way to ensure I was doing the right thing and understanding its implications. It was/is very challenging, but I would not be where I am today if I hadn't. I still have a long way to go, but thanks to my therapist and our work together I know I will get there.

    Keep on keeping on, girl! I'm proud of you!!!

    Hugs,
    Cass

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  3. ....I do just need to get used to the fact that people stare anyway at people whether they are trans or not...

    Also, lots of people are caught up in their own little worlds, and sometimes, just walk on by. Good luck with getting fit and Project Make-over. <3

    Oh, photo of the new outfit, or it didn't happen ;-)

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  4. Nobody said it would be easy. Many of us still remember staring into the mirror and thinking how impossible it would be to turn the pigs ear that we see into the silk purse of our hopes and desires.

    Thick skin might be one way to descried what we need, some people are only happy making others miserable, natural born women get it all the time too. Once you are comfortable and can learn not to react you become immune to the sad folk who feel that they have to be so mean. Quickly you find that growing confidence has an effect on the whole being and you can use the decreasing jibes as a measure of your growing success.

    Best wishes from a once large hairy sullen lump who now walks the world as if she belongs there.

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