Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Drowning in dysphoria

Sometimes, its like the desperation is just overwhelming.  Its like a deep down sadness and unhappiness that just cause me to sit at my desk and instead of working, to just cry.  Its like you want your insides just to rupture out of your body and to turn you into someone different because what you are just isn’t right. Its like you need someone to reach inside of you and bring peace because there is none available.  Its like there is nowhere you can go to escape from your self, I go with myself wherever I am, even when I would prefer myself to leave.  Its like a detachment where nothing is quite real.  Its like an isolation you can never explain.  Its like you are alone with a problem you can never understand. Its like wishing the numbness I sometimes feel would come back because at least then I’d stop feeling like I do.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some very happy, productive times.  This morning just isn’t one of them.  With nowhere else to turn sometimes, my thoughts are laid bare for you here.

Tuesday, 6 May 2014

And a butterfly emerges…

Just a really quick blog tonight.  I am on my back from London to home on the train having had a long, but fun day working in the capital.  I visit a few times most months, so it is a very routine thing for me.  Probably every 4-6 weeks, one of the pleasures of going to London is that I get to go for dinner with Becca of Muttering fame.

For those who don’t follow her (why not?) you need to know that Becca has made the fantastic and enviable journey from male to female.  Having been her friend for a number of years, I have had the privilege of seeing this journey happen through a series of regular snapshots of meeting her.

Our first meeting made me realise that we would forever be friends.  It revolved around a very expensive bar bill in a plush London hotel bar.  We were both in man mode and both equally hated the fact.  We nattered like we’d been friends for ever.

Several meals later and fast forward a while, we ended up last year at Sparkle together where her strength gave me the confidence to enjoy a weekend in Rhiannon mode and to build on the start I’d already made.  Tonight we reflected on that time as we talked.  That weekend really was a turning point for her too and since then she has never looked back.  Her transition started later last year and she has faced, head on, her challenges, with an internal resilience that I personally find inspiring.

She is beautiful, feminine, poised, feisty, challenging and kind hearted.  Everything a woman strives to be.  I blog because spending time with her tonight made me realise that I am so so proud to call her my friend.  As you know I grapple with my future and my gender and Becca’s single mindedness, focus and attention to every element of her transition shows and helps me see that there is an art of the possible in looking like, and being accepted as, the woman some of us were born to be.