Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Drowning in dysphoria

Sometimes, its like the desperation is just overwhelming.  Its like a deep down sadness and unhappiness that just cause me to sit at my desk and instead of working, to just cry.  Its like you want your insides just to rupture out of your body and to turn you into someone different because what you are just isn’t right. Its like you need someone to reach inside of you and bring peace because there is none available.  Its like there is nowhere you can go to escape from your self, I go with myself wherever I am, even when I would prefer myself to leave.  Its like a detachment where nothing is quite real.  Its like an isolation you can never explain.  Its like you are alone with a problem you can never understand. Its like wishing the numbness I sometimes feel would come back because at least then I’d stop feeling like I do.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some very happy, productive times.  This morning just isn’t one of them.  With nowhere else to turn sometimes, my thoughts are laid bare for you here.

6 comments:

  1. Yes, it can feel overwhelming, but you can get through this. You are strong, otherwise you would have fallen down and not got back up. You haven't and I think that speaks volumes about you <3

    Thinking of you.
    L x

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  2. I felt *exactly* the same way, hon. Exactly.

    Regarding that sense of detachment... I saw four therapists (ranging from very good to outstanding) before I finally admitted to myself that I was a girl. I never told any of them the truth. Nonetheless, every single of them said the same thing to me at some point: "It's as if you're talking about somebody else."

    I no longer feel that way. I love being me SO much. It was the hardest thing I have ever done - and the best thing. And if I could find peace, so can you. Why? Because girls rock. Just remember that, Miss R! :D

    Stay strong, sweetie. You can do it!

    Lots of hugs & love,
    Cass

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  3. Thank you so much - your comments are so lovely. That was one horrible day - I just was feeling awful - as you might have been able to tell from the blog. I just didn't really know what to do with myself. So tough to stop being what you are...

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    Replies
    1. And in soldiering on regardless you provide inspiration. (In case you don't catch my reply to you elsewhere).

      It is said that History's most instructive moments are written on its darkest pages. I have said that History is at its most inspirational when it is also darkest - the same is true of life. Not that one should seek personal darkness rather that one can take some solace that their trials and tribulations can be inspiration to others (and, looking back, themselves too).

      Solidarity!

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  4. Sorry. I wish I could help you.

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  5. Nothing helpful to say, except that I went through all that and managed to get through it without giving in to it. I don't want that to be taken as advice, only as anecdote. Your mileage may vary.

    Stay strong, Rhi. I am generating good thoughts on your behalf.

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