Following my last blog, this will be of no surprise to you. I’m grappling with the idea that I might need to just re-emerge again after 8 months of hiding away. I guess there are some internal challenges with doing that. Mainly that I have developed some fantastic coping habits relating, for example, to how productive I’m being. I need to find a way to be Rhiannon, holding all the other things in check and maintaining some things I’ve discovered that I love about my core personality.
But there are also some things that I really need to work through. Last time I bounced out from a hiatus, I didn’t really handle it well. I jumped straight back in and to be honest, went a little bit crazy. I spent loads of money on Rhiannon, work took a dip, personal life got short changed. Like Dracula let loose in a blood bank, I greedily went mad for everything girl. I need to learn to integrate a little more this time and to decide how it is going to work.
A key focus is going to have to be to gain clarity about my longer term objectives. Where do I want this to go — is it going to be full or part-time? What are the knock on effects of that decision? Moving forward in anyway, means very likely going back through the horrible loop of potential divorce. So how can I deal with that a little better than I have? Or should I not manage it and hide again: lying and fibbing to maintain my family. That isn’t really me, but its an option that needs consideration. I can't keep going through a boom and bust cycle.
There are also a number of issues around my confidence that I need to address: I need thicker skin. My thinking was pushed forward by April’s fantastic and very honest blog. One of the biggest issues I have is that when I’m out and about, I am ashamed of being Rhiannon. I feel like I’m being judged constantly by everyone I meet, which creates a real insecurity. A stray look can be enough to send me in a spiral. I feel like in the two seconds of someone looking at me, they have spotted from a mile away that I'm trans. My brain then thinks that they have acted as jury, judge and executioner, instantly thinking I’m stupid, ugly, horrible or worse. When an actual judgement happens, the impact is even greater. The waiters at last year’s Christmas party have a lot to answer for as their reaction really got to me. I desperately need to get to get more assured about my appearance. Not that I need to "improve" it, I know it is ok (apart from my weight), but that I need to feel more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin. I have to believe that its ok.
There is a lot to do and to think about, but the journey starts...again. Albeit from a very different place of thinking now. Internally, I’m breathing a sigh of relief though.