Sunday, 19 June 2011

I’ll cross that bridge…

So, it’s been a while.  Not deliberately so to be honest.  I’d planned to be more regular here after taking ‘the decision’, but somehow I wasn’t sure how.  I’ve written several blogs in my head over the last two months, but somehow I never put finger to keyboard.

The support and kind words you all gave me made me cry.  Taking a decision to go in a very opposite direction from the one I wanted was so hard.  I thought that the very friendly people I have interacted with on here would be upset and that I’d be accused of letting the side down.  Surely, when you feel like you should have been born as a girl, its impossible to change that or to ignore that side of you.  But instead the words were so warm, wise and sincere, they were like being hugged by a best friend.

So the last two months have been an experiment with very mixed results I have to say.   If you have to give up something like this, the only real advice I can give is to put yourself into a position where you are so busy that you notice nothing else in your whole life, let alone how you are dressed and feeling!  2.4 jobs at the same time have been my curse and my salvation.  I just simply don’t have time to think about it.

I continued to allow myself the indulgence of this blog.  I’ve not stopped voraciously reading and regularly cheering at the continuing experiences of people who I can only say make me feel so proud of how brave they are.  Tales of going out and about, putting up with mean families, attending GIC clinics, nights out, new shoes, new make up etc, have kept me smiling and feeling like there is a bit of me that hasn’t just died.

I think with sadness of my entire wardrobe being packed into two (large) suitcases somewhere in a UK loft that isn’t mine.  And I thank my friend for the kindness of being my storage haven.  I haven’t so much as worn a necklace, a heel or one of my favourite skirts for the whole time.  But what does make me smile in all of this is that the people I am making this sacrifice for are happy.  My family relationships are healing and it’s been a good time for them.

In my heart I’m not sure I’ve moved on, in fact I know I haven’t.  But every day I feel stronger and more at peace with myself over it.  When the jobs start dropping off and I have time on my hands and allow myself to think, I’ll probably be horrified with what I’ve done, but for now I can live with it.  I guess I’ll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

But in mean time, please keep blogging.  Selfishly, if it is only because somewhere in your consciousness you know its because this one-time girl is reading and sucking every ounce of hope for you (and me) from it, then do it.  The creative words that pour out from you mean so much more to people that you can ever possibly imagine.

7 comments:

  1. I’ve only found your blog just recently and I have to say I’m impressed by your honesty and determination.
    And this is really something you may be proud of:
    “But what does make me smile in all of this is that the people I am making this sacrifice for are happy. My family relationships are healing and it’s been a good time for them.”
    To me blogging is a life-buoy so I guess you will see me floating somewhere under your bridge.

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  2. Dear Rhiannon,

    A demanding work schedule can certainly focus the mind, it kept me in check for many years. Don't worry you are still young whatever path you decide on.

    Hugs,

    April

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  3. I have been thinking of you and wondering how you have been getting on. Its nice to hear that you are not dwelling too much on the decisions and just getting on with things. I don't believe anyone would judge you for the decisions you have made - on the contrary I think that it's more admiration for what you are doing.

    Keep posting updates - sharing your challenges could provide an outlet for you and on a selfish level it's good to hear from you.

    Becca

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  4. I have wondered about your well-being more than once in your absence. I'm gladdened to hear that your plan is working out so far. Reviving the love of your family is a pretty good trade-off.

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  5. Hi Rhiannon,

    So... if this were a comic book (I'm sorry, graphic novel), we'd be arch-nemeses, eh? :) I'm teasing.

    You have made a very brave choice. Don't ever fool yourself into thinking otherwise. Who knows whether it will work, but for any choice in this situation, the same is true. The fact is you have made a choice, and it sounds like you have made it for all the right reasons. Hold your head high (when you're not trying to catch up on your rest, of course), and know that we are here for you... no matter how hideous your shoes. ;)

    Take care, and keep in touch!

    Sincerely,
    Kate

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  6. @Corinna - thank you very much. I don't see the point in being anything other than honest. But it does make me paranoid that I'm going to offend sometimes! Still insecure at heart I guess.

    @April - definitely hoping that, but starting to be not so sure really.

    @Becca and Leslie Ann - you two are just so lovely - every time I see your comments on my blogs I think of what it must be like to have girlfriends who make you feel good about yourself and would offer the worlds greatest advice on lippy and nail varnish to boot!

    @Katey - as long as the arch-nemises costume was hot with a very short skirt, I really wouldn't complain at all! And in 'graphic novel' they could draw us looking even more girly than we already do. Perfect!

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  7. Mrs B laughed about the lippy and varnish comment. She thinks I have more knowledge than her ! I appreciate the sentiment though. I wish you could find the same kevel of acceptence.

    Becca

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