I don’t know about you, but I find this life quite tough. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to change it. I live for the times when I’m able to present the person I actually am on the inside to the rest of the world. But it happens only infrequently and it is that infrequency that is the cause of my angst. And it causes me to have to try to find a way to cope.
It seems hard for people who don’t live with it to understand. Maybe I’m alone in feeling like this, but it is there with me all the time. I never go for more than a few minutes without thinking about it. Every time I look around you, everything I watch on television, every day at work, whenever I go out, there are reminders of what I can’t be and what I can’t have. But worse than that is the ongoing pangs of regret at how things turned out. Don’t get me wrong, my family, in particular, is important, but I also know that the more I increasingly follow my heart, the more hurt and pain I am likely to cause to them. Its hard to live with that and it tears at my thoughts all the time and makes me feel sad.
I clearly don’t begrudge women their gender. My position is nobodies fault, there is no-one to blame. If anything I blame myself. Why did I not realise that this was inevitably going to be the final conclusion in the final analysis. Why did I not stop the world and get off when I was 30 or 20 or even 10. Its not like I didn’t know what I was, even then. When I was growing up, before the internet age, all I had to go on was that transvestism (as it was presented then) was for perverts and weirdos and that society found more deplorable than gay people. I was both of those things (well, bi-sexual at least) and was horrified at feeling like I did.
But the point is that when you have this secret and know what you know, how do you live a normal existence day-by-day? I’m afraid to say I don’t. I work as hard as I possibly can for most of my day - I try to dutifully put the thoughts from my mind and get on. Some days I succeed better than others. But then the evening arrives and the structure disappears. I hold onto work as late as possible - 7, 8 or 9 o’clock. But with that gone, I found the only thing that numbs it all: I eat a hearty meal and drink more than my share of alcohol. Alcohol is useful in this fight. Drinking causes some people to be aggressive, some to gain bravado, some to get loud. I sleep. The soporific calming makes me forget about my feelings. I’ve questioned at times whether I’m an alcoholic if I’m perfectly honest with you. But I know that I can stop for periods of time if I have to or want to, but there is an addiction of sorts in there. The release from my thoughts in exchange for a bottle or two of wine or beer. It seems like a small price to pay.
Except that I'm paying the price: the classic, “moment on the lips, lifetime on the hips” situation. My weight yo-yos anyway, but I’m at the larger end of it at the moment and that makes it worse. The small price is becoming a bigger one that is sitting on my body making me look even less like the beautiful girl I want to be. But also that its not doing my internal organs any favours and I don't want problems into later life.
It strikes me that the only real way of coping is to be what I truly am. 100% out 100% of the time. But its not possible right now. So I found myself wondering what others do to cope with this turmoil. For some I’m sure its sex or drugs, or depression pills or even a shrink.
So can I ask for advice please? I know I’ve asked for it a lot of late, but you are all a lot more experienced than me and it would be nice to have some new strategies to try to master (or mistress) my thoughts and to take control.