Monday, 28 November 2011

I'm scared

I have just finished writing an eloquent blog on why I’m feeling angry and frustrated and that it’s spilling out.  The paragraph from that, which is the only one that has survived, is the one that made me realise what the problem really was:

“As I write this, I realise my train of thought is in the same direction as my last post.  I’m just looking for a way to cope.  I’m just looking at the same problem again from a different angle.  I’m wasting my mental energy on a problem I’ve already solved, but that I’m afraid to take action on.”

I now know what I need to do, but honestly, I’m scared to do it.   My last post on how to cope received some elegant and helpful responses from some very kind ladies.  Together with my mulling, I realise there are five things I need to do urgently:

  • Seek professional support – my doctor is a good place to start and I think they’ll be able to help.
  • Find people to talk to about it – ‘nebby’ (Midland-ish for nosy – who knew?) bloggers and other people who I know care about me.
  • Go to a support group and talk to other people in my situation.  Does anyone know if such groups mind having really fat girls attending their meetings?  Most seem more glamourous, skinny and chique than I could even dream of being.  
  • Find ways of incorporating Rhiannon in without it necessarily being too obvious. 
  • Cut down my work and find time to relax properly.  I’ve been overdoing it for far too long now.

Lynn Jones captured it well, as she tends to, with: “it's not going to be bad forever.... but you may have to step out of your comfort zone to get out of the mire”.  That’s the problem and therein too, the rub.  All five of those things are outside of my current comfort zone and I’ve never been well known for being able to ‘man up’ to the challenge.

I’ve cogitated on the advice for a while now.  Tried to find ways of getting different advice that was easier to do.  Ran in and out of the heavy storm a couple of times.  But never really stood out in it properly and got soaked to the skin.  I guess it’s just about putting one foot in front of the other and to keeping doing that until you aren’t angry and frustrated anymore and that instead you are in a happy place.  Not sure that place exists at the moment, but its time to find out.


  1. Rhi, dear, I can only speak of my own support group, but I hardly think that your weight will be a dealbreaker. I have noticed that some natal women also wear plus sizes!

    In my own group, there is about one supermodel for every hundred girls. And truly, those glamour shots you posted suggest that you clean up pretty well yourself. Let some other worry slow you down, not this one.


  2. I will hold my hand up very high and say that much of my journey to date has scared me - and every step i feel the need to take in the future will no doubt be the same. It's all very well understanding who you are but trying to find a way to make yourself happy is fraught with so many issues. 

    There are somethings you can do though and one is to banish the thoughts that you will be judged at a support meeting. I read of many many friendly groups and wish there were some as closer to where I live. They sound like really good fun and from those meetings, lasting and supporting friendships do grow.  From seeing your photos I know that you look female - whatever your thoughts on camera angles and tricks. 

    Little steps have helped me - the path looks daunting but taking a step at a time has helped me so much - I have found some places along the way to stop and take stock and granted I have carried on but the anger, pain and frustrations have reduced so much. Isn't it more daunting to look forward and see the status quo stretching long into the future?

    Remember, men bury their heads, women ask for support and help when it's needed


  3. Cutting down on work sounds like a plan. I don't mean that from a slacking off view point, but if you're using work to dodge dealing with the underlying issues, will you ever move on? (Advice from a guilty party).

    Talking can be good. Talking to trained folk may be even better.

    IMO a good support group should accept you as you are. Size, height, race, fashion, etc should not come into it.

    Please don't judge yourself against other people's photos (been there!). Honestly, very few trans folk post a snap of them looking like a dog's dinner. If there was a quid for every snap rejected during a photo op, I'd have retired long ago. :-)


    PS: Not sure about following nebby folk tho :-D