I remember watching “Pretty Woman” for the first time and obviously loving it. The sad moment, that stuck out for me was when Edward, the main male lead said, “Impossible relationships. My special gift is impossible relationships.” I know it sounds so self-pitying and maudlin, but at the moment, it feels like my special gift is ruining other people’s lives. Why is it that a lot of the time, you can feel happy and upbeat and positive and then other times - this morning included - you feel like you’d rather just run out and dive underneath a bus. I’ve not felt like this for a very long time, but the enormity of the way in which I have a negative impact on people who get close to me is frightening. And sad. I feel toxic. I should warn people not to get to know me because I’m likely just to end up hurting them too.
I have had so many relationships recently where things have gone awry. Clearly, I’m systematically destroying my family life at the moment. A couple of people in my fat club got in the path. Someone at work. People at a group I’m giving up leading to transition who are struggling to find a new leader. Making it difficult for the people who employ me. The thing is that I never intend to do it. I try my hardest to be a nice person. In fact, sometimes you might accuse me of being a people pleaser. But somehow, haphazardly, by not thinking, by reacting from my pain, sadness and insecurity, I cause more pain than I help.
The thing is, I know that my transition is only going to make this even worse. In my selfish attempt to achieve desperately needed congruence, I am the cause of other’s sadness and grief. Whilst I know I have no choice but to do it because it is getting to such a distressing point, I’m also going to have to find a way of living with myself knowing there is a trail of destruction behind me that I have caused. I feel like I’ve lived my life running from a tornado and everyone who gets near me ends up in its path too. Many of them just haven’t learnt to run fast enough and get caught.
I’m not going to write anymore. So so sorry if I sound like a self pitying cow. Just having a really hard day today and this is my place to go. You can probably tell I have sobbed my whole way through the writing of this blog. But I needed just to say it. Sometimes you do.