Sunday, 19 March 2017

I ruin lives

I remember watching “Pretty Woman” for the first time and obviously loving it.  The sad moment, that stuck out for me was when Edward, the main male lead said, “Impossible relationships. My special gift is impossible relationships.”  I know it sounds so self-pitying and maudlin, but at the moment, it feels like my special gift is ruining other people’s lives.   Why is it that a lot of the time, you can feel happy and upbeat and positive and then other times - this morning included - you feel like you’d rather just run out and dive underneath a bus.  I’ve not felt like this for a very long time, but the enormity of the way in which I have a negative impact on people who get close to me is frightening.  And sad.  I feel toxic.  I should warn people not to get to know me because I’m likely just to end up hurting them too.

I have had so many relationships recently where things have gone awry.  Clearly, I’m systematically destroying my family life at the moment.  A couple of people in my fat club got in the path.  Someone at work.  People at a group I’m giving up leading to transition who are struggling to find a new leader.  Making it difficult for the people who employ me.  The thing is that I never intend to do it.  I try my hardest to be a nice person.  In fact, sometimes you might accuse me of being a people pleaser.  But somehow, haphazardly, by not thinking, by reacting from my pain, sadness and insecurity, I cause more pain than I help.

The thing is, I know that my transition is only going to make this even worse.  In my selfish attempt to achieve desperately needed congruence, I am the cause of other’s sadness and grief.  Whilst I know I have no choice but to do it because it is getting to such a distressing point, I’m also going to have to find a way of living with myself knowing there is a trail of destruction behind me that I have caused.  I feel like I’ve lived my life running from a tornado and everyone who gets near me ends up in its path too.  Many of them just haven’t learnt to run fast enough and get caught.

I’m not going to write anymore.  So so sorry if I sound like a self pitying cow.  Just having a really hard day today and this is my place to go.  You can probably tell I have sobbed my whole way through the writing of this blog.  But I needed just to say it.  Sometimes you do.

6 comments:

  1. I see that your favourite movie is the Shawshank Redemption! You do know that you are stuck in a very nasty, tight, smelly place right now and the only option is to get on and get out!

    Yours will not be the first family to break up and you cannot imagine that remaining in your present state is the best option. If you could glimpse for a moment a post transition life where you have finally chosen to get out of this whirlpool of despair you would kick yourself for wallowing in indecision for so long.

    Transition looks like a hard path full of pain but it is a breeze compared to the years of utter self loathing which we put ourselves through in the self delusion that we are doing the right thing for others. Six years on the edge blogging: time to get a life and let others also get a life, without you if that is their choice.

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  2. The end of a relationship is awful. A divorce is too. Throw into the mix your need to transition and is it any wonder your world is turning upside down.

    You didn't choose to be trans. You tried not to transition, and you know where that path takes you.

    Things are shit, but, they will get better. Pull your oxygen mask on, as jump from the wreckage. You didn't start the fire and you can survive this. Right now you may feel the wind is rushing by and it's tempting to not pull on the parachute. Don't listen to the negativity: pull the cord and hang on. Your friends will stay to guide you down. We'll be waiting with warm hugs.

    L x

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  3. Thank you both so much. It continued to be a hard day. Conversations with Mrs A piling on the pressure further. But that moment of complete despair that prompted my blog passed - and your messages really helped that to happen. I'm still sad, but I know that I just need to get on with things quickly... You are both completely fantastic x

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  4. Hey, I feel you on this one. However, as others have already said, this isn't you making things awful. This is things being awful on the way to you doing what you need to do for you. It appears to me, from the outside, to be the pain of ripping off the plasters. I don't mean to diminish your concern nor the pain of others but none of this is you creating issues. Rather it is a series of issues related to what you are doing (not caused by).

    Agh, you need hugs and time (which it appears as though you've had, which is good) to think. Keep on keeping on, lovely lady! As a colleague of mine used to be fond of saying: "head down and bash".

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  5. Hi Girl! It’s been too long..
    I feel for you going through this. You can’t do things right for the people around you because you’re not doing things right for yourself. You must go the whole hog and bring yourself into balance with your inner you. Only then can you present and interact with your surroundings in the way you want and are.

    It will be different and difficult but only when you are happy with your true self can others around you be happy with and for you.
    Remember you have a commitment to yourself in that you come first; yes, this is being selfish because it means survival. Only then with an inner balance you will have the strength to help, if taken on, the others around you.
    Love Abigale

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  6. Rhiannon this life can be so difficult at times and the guilt that we bear as transgender people can be overbearing at times. I know I felt that I ruined the lives of my children and that I have deceived my spouse all those years ago and yet here they are at 19 and 17 doing well and my ex and I get along. Life can be heartbreaking and then can lift you up as things begin to come together again. I think you will be okay because you are thoughtful and reflect on things without steamrolling over the people you care about with your being trans. These are the times when we wish it would all go away and let us lead normal lives...

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