Monday, 20 July 2015

Struggling...

I can tell that this is not going to look or feel polished or even probably articulate.  But some days I just don’t care about that to be honest.  Honestly, I’m really struggling at the moment.  Two things are bothering me and just won’t go away.  The first and most important is that I know deep down that I am increasingly unhappy with my gender.  It is getting harder and harder to live as a man when I know that I’m not of that gender.  Sadness just fills me all the time and despite trying to put a brave face on it, its not working any more.

I know I need to do something about it, but the ramifications of the impact on the people around me continues to yell, ‘what are you thinking’ in my face at a ridiculous volume.  Honestly, I’m probably more conflicted and in pain than I ever have been in my whole life.   I’ve been reading several books recently about transwomen who have transitioned to full time and it just makes a huge amount of sense to me.  But I still can’t believe that it could ever be me.

One of the things I am struck again and again with is just how much this has affected my whole life.  I’ve just been fighting forever against myself and felt unhappy, tormented and in pain every hour of every day of my life and I just want it to stop.  I need it to stop.

Even when I dress, I’m only 75% happy because I know that it is going to end.  Sorry if this sounds moany, but the torment of taking off my make up and ‘changing back’ often causes such anguish inside that I just feel like getting in my car and running away.  Although like most people who are trans (I assume) I have considered whether it is worth continuing with my life.  I know that I could probably never go that far, but I have certainly considered just running away and disappearing to a place where no-one can find me and just starting again.  Deleting my whole history to be someone new.

I also know though that my health is suffering because of my weight and this is the second thing.  The lack of control I feel about changing my gender is ‘coped with’ by eating and drinking.  Despite all of my promises to myself to lose weight, I don’t.  That internal desperation to find some way out has always been channeled to food and drink for me.  I stand at the heaviest I’ve ever been.  It used to be that dressing and going out was an answer, it relieved some of the pressure.  It still does to a degree, but the dread of changing back and of being perceived as a man rather than as a woman is just to painful.  I’m at the point where it has to be all or nothing, but I don’t think it can be.

My head is near to exploding and I needed to write it down.  I’m not looking for answers, there aren’t any, only difficult choices.  But thank you for reading and caring.

12 comments:

  1. Not the best place to be, you have my sympathies. Been there, and there's not a right answer. However that also means there's not a wrong answer. If you can't find a way through it's not you doing something that has an erffect on those around you, it's those around you being affected by something inevitable. If that makes any sense.

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    1. Thank you Jenny and as ever, really wise words that make complete sense and are really appreciated. I feel like there is definitely a creeping inevitability to this and part of me thinks to just cut my losses now because there is no satisfactory outcome for everyone. I just cling on for as long as possible because I love my family. But living with virtually constant feelings of dysphoria is frankly untenable. I know you've been there and its such a relief to get your empathy. x

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  2. If you really feel female deep inside, you cannot run away and you have no choice, Rhiannon, you have to struggle, but you are not struggling against yourself , oh no, you are fighting for you, for your true self.
    You are not alone and I'm sure your life will be brighter and more feminine than today.
    Feli

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    1. Thank you Feli and I think you are right, there is little choice. Sat in the office again in Rhi mode is like breathing a sigh of relief. The more that happens, the more I realise that it needs to happen... x

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  4. Hi Rhi, I really feel for you, your post describes exactly how I feel right now almost word for word. I feel so conflicted inside and that feeling is stronger than ever, I don't know if I can keep going on like this. I sent you an e-mail this week, if you didn't get it please get in touch - danielle.stoke@gmail.com. It would be lovely to hear from you :)

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    1. Hi - so sorry, I wrote a reply on Thursday, but for some reason, it didn't send, it was merrily sat in my 'draft' folder! I've sent it now! :o) x

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  5. Just to let you know that I'm reading and to make known my sympathy. There's not a lot I can say but know that you are in my thoughts.

    I shall simply echo Jenny, there are no right or wrong answers, only your answers. Rather, the only right answers are the ones you can live with. Which is pretty much the same thing.

    God bless,

    Joanna
    xx

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  6. Sorry that things are so tough for you

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    1. Thank you Mrs, it has been tough, but I've had a few positive days now - another night out presenting as Rhi, lunch out with a local trans-lady and a few days dressed in the office. Helps calm the dysphoria down. :o)

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  7. I'm really slow in catching up and I'm sorry you have been feeling so despondent. I find dysphoric thoughts and feelings ebb and flow and so I hope you feel less distressed soon. Being trans sucks in so many ways, yet there are lovely things about our feminine side too, and focusing on those can help. Sue x

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