Sorry, its been a while. Again. Even starting now, I don’t really know what I am going to say.
I guess my silence, as is often the case, is reflective of two things. Busyness and confusion. My word, has it been busy - work has been all enveloping. Every day something happens that means my main place to be Rhiannon has not been possible. Add in that I have lived on a building site for 6 months and Rhiannon-time becomes a little more challenging. That’s even if I wanted it.
Did I want Rhiannon-time over the last 6 months? I’ve just stared at that question for a while to try to think about my answer. Yes, desperately, is the answer. So why haven’t I? Why have things been fallow for so long. Searching inside and I know that the answer is shallow and stupid - there are a few. Weight and appearance is one. I know that it seems ridiculous and eminently fixable, but being 41 with a very large and obvious hernia and looking like a massive rugby player, is, in my own mind a real blocker for me. Others have commented on it too and what precious little self confidence and esteem I once possessed has of late floated into the breeze. In truth, it has made me very sad. I regularly find myself staring into space, frozen, unable to act. Not knowing where to turn or how to reboot my life. Or crying and not knowing where to reach out. Instead I google, 'why am I so sad' and find no answers.
I have had some contact with some great people and in particular, a few months ago, had a lovely lunch with a local trans-woman, Ruth, which was just lovely. We enjoyed lunch together and it was so relaxed from the first moment. I love it when I immediately connect with someone. Ruth is the epitome of a feminine personality: some trans people look the part, but the personality sometimes feels a little like their wrong gender. Ruth is female to the core of her being. Gorgeous inside and out.
I want so much to just get on with it it but I just find it so hard. Add in that I continue in my disapproving marriage and its just been on the back burner. Interestingly over the last few weeks, the urge has started to come back. I can feel that desperation growing again to spend time as who I really am and I’m glad. Maybe the hiatus is over?