Its been a really busy week with little opportunity, other than last Monday, to have Rhiannon time. Last week we were away on holiday. On the way back, a mad thought entered my head: I wanted to go out, in normal day time, wearing a dress. Given that I regularly present female, you might be forgiven for thinking that this is a regular occurrence, but it isn’t really.
|Last Monday's attempt...|
Despite this mad thought being unusual for me, it grew and grew and I knew that by the time I reached Monday, knowing I’d have Rhiannon time, that only a dress would do when I went out. So when I got dressed that morning, on went my black skater dress, heeled knee length boots and patterned tights. Accessorised with some purple jewellery and my dark blue cardigan and blue scarf, I was feeling very happy.
|Different outfit, same dress (2011)|
The second and final errand was that I wanted to pop out shopping. I’d seen several tops that I liked online and I wanted to go to the shop to take another look. It was weird really, I went through with it and was comfortable, but not perfectly comfortable. Most women were dressed as I described before: jeans and a jumper and I felt a little too overdressed, despite being happy with my choice. But because I stood out, I guess my default concern of dress=noticeable=obvious trans-person kicked in and I found it very hard to relax. I walked around the store, but for some reason felt like an alien who had landed in planet ladies clothes shop and that I shouldn’t be there. I know that its only by doing this and continuing to challenge myself that I’ll grow and my confidence will improve, but it was more difficult that day than I expected, I guess is what I am saying. The good thing which shows there has been movement forward is that I wished I’d been there in my top and jeans because I’d have been more comfortable. I didn’t for a moment, as I have in the past, felt like I shouldn’t be there at all. I suppose its just another step out, you get used to it, you grow, and its another thing within your repertoire. Wearing a dress and feeling comfortable is something that I really do want to become happy with doing.
Since that day, I have seen a number of women out and about in similar outfits - and I’ve been kicking myself for not believing Andrea - that it really was appropriate and that I looked fine. I’m breaking this down quickly and getting more used to it, but still a way to go. I'm definitely out and about in Rhiannon mode in a week or so, if not before, so I will be wearing a dress again. I really want to conquer this.