I’m probably just being weird now, but I find that the things gender dysphoria chooses to settle on to be very odd. I’m used to frequent lows and constant desperation due to the massive incongruence. But of late something new has started that is very weird. Really weird. And a little upsetting I guess.
I write a LOT of email. I don’t get 100s a day like I know some people get, but given the type of work I do, I generate a lot of email traffic as I’m regularly badgering people for work / to meet deadlines etc. When I have been writing emails recently, I have been getting a palpable sense of dread as I near the end of the email, knowing that I am going to have to, yet again, type my boy name. Its almost like it is quickly becoming an obvious and painful reinforcement of who I am not. Each time I send one, I contemplate whether I can reduce the formality of the email by leaving my name off altogether and bypassing the problem. It can last at least a few minutes debating with myself over a 3 sentence email.
Sometimes it goes further and I feel a desperate compulsion to change my official email signature to Rhiannon [insert real surname]. On days when I’m feeling that way out and am sending an email to someone I know well and who knows I’m trans, I gleefully make the change. They probably think I’m just being a bit mad. I, however, am feeling relief like you can’t imagine…
I’m starting to think that I have this thing quite badly. That its getting worse. And that I’m sliding inextricably towards a need for radical change. If an email signature is now causing me pain an extra 50 times a day, I think I might have a real problem. It seems so small and stupid now that I write it down, but I guess I can't really help it, I lay bare my madness.