Saturday, 29 October 2016

I hate my name

I’m probably just being weird now, but I find that the things gender dysphoria chooses to settle on to be very odd.   I’m used to frequent lows and constant desperation due to the massive incongruence.  But of late something new has started that is very weird.  Really weird.  And a little upsetting I guess.

I write a LOT of email.  I don’t get 100s a day like I know some people get, but given the type of work I do, I generate a lot of email traffic as I’m regularly badgering people for work / to meet deadlines etc.  When I have been writing emails recently, I have been getting a palpable sense of dread as I near the end of the email, knowing that I am going to have to, yet again, type my boy name.  Its almost like it is quickly becoming an obvious and painful reinforcement of who I am not.  Each time I send one, I contemplate whether I can reduce the formality of the email by leaving my name off altogether and bypassing the problem.  It can last at least a few minutes debating with myself over a 3 sentence email.

Sometimes it goes further and I feel a desperate compulsion to change my official email signature to Rhiannon [insert real surname].  On days when I’m feeling that way out and am sending an email to someone I know well and who knows I’m trans, I gleefully make the change.  They probably think I’m just being a bit mad.  I, however, am feeling relief like you can’t imagine…

I’m starting to think that I have this thing quite badly.  That its getting worse.  And that I’m sliding inextricably towards a need for radical change.  If an email signature is now causing me pain an extra 50 times a day, I think I might have a real problem.   It seems so small and stupid now that I write it down, but I guess I can't really help it, I lay bare my madness.

6 comments:

  1. It was such a relief to officially change my name, not just the boy bit. I had done everything I could to avoid using it and essentially shouting out a public lie. When exhibiting my work started to bring public success it just brought distress that the fake me was being reinforced and the real me getting buried deeper, I chose to let real success slip away.

    Seems that you are not mad, just more aware of the absurdity of the fake lives we are forced to live.

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  2. Thank you :o) - sometimes these things become complete obsessions and you really do wonder if it is just you going mad. I'm not going to be reckless, but everyday is feeling increasingly like a waste at the moment. I can understand the public success in the wrong name - that must have been so tough to take. Really appreciate you reassuring me of my sanity! x

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  3. You're not going mad, Rhiannon. Diplomacy dictates that I have to retain my male name for some things, but if I had to write it 50 times a day I'd go potty. A couple of changes have helped.
    1) My 'male' email address is gender-neutral - it used to be 'Cliffhanger' 'cos I was once an auxiliary coastguard; now it's something equally insane.
    2) I often sign with a single letter (M) so that I don't have to type the dreaded name.

    Hope that helps.

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    1. Cliffhanger is a very cool name! :o) Before, reinforced by this blog I have done a lot of thinking and I do think its very likely that when I eventually do transition, I may well select another name anyway and I probably will go with one that begins with 'S' (my male initial) - just makes it easier all round. I guess you get used to your own initials. I have a name in mind and so I'm going to definitely do more signing with a single letter and have my new new name in mind :o)

      Thank you also for your message over on Lucy's blog and for the congratulations. I didn't realise SW would be so easy and so fantastically successful for me. I have a lot lot to lose - I'm still 20+ stone now, but I can see it happening definitely now. I've read all of your SW blogs - and am just so excited that you were nominated as Miss Slinky for your group - that is just so lovely of them. I'm hoping maybe next year? :o) x

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  4. My cousin is named Rhiannon. I like that name... :)
    I don't really like my name that much "Amber".... at school, there are a lot of kids with that name and it just doesn't suit me. I get picked on at school because I make noise more than words, and when I'm called on, I never know because I don't recognise my name being called. Also the popular girls will call on their friend and if I say "Uhh?" They say "no, not you." And mutter "eww, what a retard." I hate it when that happens.
    I want to be called Lorenzo, even though I am a girl. It suits me and I can recognise it. I also like spelling it L-O-R-E-N-Z-O. :) Also my favourite movie has a Lorenzo in it. I tell everyone to call me by Lorenzo now. :) :) :)

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    1. Thank you Lorenzo -- I like the name Rhiannon too. I blogged ages ago (Feb 2015, I checked!) that I've hardly met anyone called Rhiannon before, although there still to be a growing number. Most people call me Rhi...

      I think blocking out your name is unsurprising - it can be a real source of pain and frustration - often being the symbol of something that feels so wrong about yourself. I like Lorenzo too! Good luck - I'm rooting for you. Thank you for commenting here.

      Take care,
      Rhi x

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