Thursday, 13 October 2016

Desperation is growing

Sometimes you realise that some old sayings are indeed, true.  In this case, ’you can have too much of a good thing’ is something that I’m suffering from at the moment.  This week has been very very Rhiannon.  Sunday afternoon and evening, Tuesday afternoon and evening, all day Wednesday and all day Thursday, I’ve been in girl mode and have been very very happy.  Weight is going down and confidence is growing.  But honestly, its causing me to really struggle.  Every time I have to return to my male disguise, my heart breaks and I want to cry.  Desperation is growing.  I just want to be full time right now.

This week has seen me driving to Birmingham, UK, in Rhiannon-mode, checking into a hotel.  When I was in my room, I fancied a night in one of my favourite normal girl dresses.  Upon realising that I’d left my mobile phone in my car, I thought sod it and I popped out in my dress.  Exhilarating and felt great, even with a group of loud men looking on!  On top of that I had a lovely evening in with A2, diet food and wine.  Then time out watching the new Bridget Jones movie at the local cinema and today, lunch at Nandos.  Add in that I went shopping in Boots and I think I’ve been really brave this week.

I got noticed very little and anyone who did, just didn’t say anything.  The weight loss means that clothes are fitting me again.  A lot more to go, but I suspect that by Saturday, the total dropped will be 21lbs which is a fantastic achievement so far - given that I’m enjoying eating still!!  All of this means that I’m not just content, but desperate to get out more and more in Rhiannon mode.  I’m not being stupid and risk taking, but I am focussed on getting on with life.

The challenge is twofold with going full time.  Work won’t be an easy one to resolve - lots of thinking and work to do to decide how to move things forward.  Financially, full time leads to splitting with my wife and funding two households for a time.  Neither easy, but I’m giving a lot of time to working out how I can overcome both challenges.  The problem is that in the mean time, I’m struggling.  I need more of my good thing.  I daydream about being full time and long for when I can be myself all of the time.  And right now this is making me desperate.  I’m not going to do anything stupid and rash - its a time for careful thinking and planning, but I wish it wasn’t.  I wish it was already happening.

5 comments:

  1. easy does it. Baby steps. I know how debilitating dysphoria is when you have suppressed for far too long. Just speaking from experience here.

    I let the jack in the box out very fast and all accelerated towards divorce after that. That was 8 years ago. I am not sure what you are prepared to allow to happen or the state of your relationship and although I have no regrets now it was not an easy time then.

    Hope you can manage to keep all in balance!

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    1. Thank you Joanna. As you say, holding in check for so long has been debilitating. I'm just so sad all the time and I long to be myself so much. Planning really does need to kick in -- my wife and I have split up twice over this, the last time it was financially difficult and I need to prepare myself. Also work is difficult for a variety of reasons, but I need to find a balance there too. I'm not going to rush it, but course is definitely set...

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    2. I think that's wise. As long as you keep moving forward making tiny concrete steps all the while measuring what you really need to do. That will make each one more sure footed....

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  2. It won't be easy, but the things worth fighting for rarely are.

    Well, that's tonight's fortune cookie advice over with. :-)

    Some planning sounds a good idea. Please don't forget to enjoy the journey as best you can.

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    1. Thank you Lynn, your advice is always appreciated and apt -- never fortune cookie! If this week is anything to go by, it can be fun as well as sad. In fact, the fun element of it could get quite addictive! I know its serious, but you are spot on, it also needs to be enjoyed.

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