On a roll? Let’s not get too excited, its only the second one recently. But I am in a happy place today which is both a minor miracle and a great relief. I know that I have outlined my dysphoric episodes in the past, so I don’t need to go there again. But the other day it struck like thunder. Typically, it was on a day when I had so much work to do which was really frustrating. I couldn’t focus or concentrate. Luckily my friend who I think I have previously referred to as A2 on here was at the end of an email and really helped. She helped calm me and to put things in perspective. It was good to talk.
But today I went further with a confluence of three good things happening in one day. The first is that I got a lot of work done. I’m really worried at the moment as my list seems to be getting longer rather than shorter - it’s constant growth is getting tiresome. So whilst it only got a little shorter today, it did get shorter. Second, I got a day in Rhiannon mode which was fantastic. As I said last time, I’ve been attempting to lose weight. That, together with the removal of my hernia meant that I put on my skinny jeans and they fit perfectly and beautifully. I felt a million dollars. I put it together with a nice flowery blue top, blue cardigan and my blue kitten heel shoes. I was saying to A1, the other A, that even my confidence was higher today because I felt better in myself. What more incentive could you possibly want for losing a bit of weight?
All of that was working toward the fact that it was my counselling session today. I’d decided to go in Rhiannon mode and so getting ready (and even my make up was good today) was a joy. My counselling was recommended by my gender Doctor and it is with a recommended gender counsellor who is very good. I suffer with verbal diarrhoea most of the time. He, I think, has realised that, so asks me really good questions and lets me start talking. It is so cathartic to get this time just to talk about what is in my head. I’m grateful for the opportunity. The gender Doctor indicated that in order to start my course of hormones, I need to lose a bit of weight and that the counselling would be useful to help me think about getting the rest of my life in order so that I can continue on the route of travel towards going full time. Weight loss is in progress and counselling has started.
The counselling sessions so far have been very focussed on unpacking the issues and the problems I face with transition. I think that as we move into future sessions, they will get harder because they will start to deal with the actions I need to take to make that happen. I don’t really like that because whilst I desperately want it, I pathologically avoid upsetting people. I can’t bear knowing I’m the cause of someone’s upset. It might sound like I’m a saccharine goody two shoes, but I find it really hard to be selfish. But I know that I have to do it. I’ve realised over time, that it really isn’t a choice. I need to take it very seriously as I start to plan to impact many of the lives around me. Some of the questions today caught me short and I was hit by how tough this process is going to be to go through.
So today had real highs and I’m really grateful for them. But it also was very challenging and went to the core of who I am. I don’t mean to be flippant, but there is power in being able to communicate and to start to process all of this: it is really good to talk.