Thursday, 29 September 2016

It’s good to talk…

On a roll?  Let’s not get too excited, its only the second one recently.  But I am in a happy place today which is both a minor miracle and a great relief.   I know that I have outlined my dysphoric episodes in the past, so I don’t need to go there again.   But the other day it struck like thunder.  Typically, it was on a day when I had so much work to do which was really frustrating.  I couldn’t focus or concentrate.  Luckily my friend who I think I have previously referred to as A2 on here was at the end of an email and really helped.  She helped calm me and to put things in perspective.  It was good to talk.

But today I went further with a confluence of three good things happening in one day.  The first is that I got a lot of work done.  I’m really worried at the moment as my list seems to be getting longer rather than shorter - it’s constant growth is getting tiresome.  So whilst it only got a little shorter today, it did get shorter.  Second, I got a day in Rhiannon mode which was fantastic.  As I said last time, I’ve been attempting to lose weight.  That, together with the removal of my hernia meant that I put on my skinny jeans and they fit perfectly and beautifully.  I felt a million dollars.  I put it together with a nice flowery blue top, blue cardigan and my blue kitten heel shoes.  I was saying to A1, the other A, that even my confidence was higher today because I felt better in myself.  What more incentive could you possibly want for losing a bit of weight?

All of that was working toward the fact that it was my counselling session today.  I’d decided to go in Rhiannon mode and so getting ready (and even my make up was good today) was a joy.  My counselling was recommended by my gender Doctor and it is with a recommended gender counsellor who is very good.  I suffer with verbal diarrhoea most of the time.  He, I think, has realised that, so asks me really good questions and lets me start talking.  It is so cathartic to get this time just to talk about what is in my head.  I’m grateful for the opportunity.  The gender Doctor indicated that in order to start my course of hormones, I need to lose a bit of weight and that the counselling would be useful to help me think about getting the rest of my life in order so that I can continue on the route of travel towards going full time.  Weight loss is in progress and counselling has started.


The counselling sessions so far have been very focussed on unpacking the issues and the problems I face with transition.  I think that as we move into future sessions, they will get harder because they will start to deal with the actions I need to take to make that happen.  I don’t really like that because whilst I desperately want it, I pathologically avoid upsetting people.  I can’t bear knowing I’m the cause of someone’s upset.  It might sound like I’m a saccharine goody two shoes, but I find it really hard to be selfish.  But I know that I have to do it.  I’ve realised over time, that it really isn’t a choice.   I need to take it very seriously as I start to plan to impact many of the lives around me.  Some of the questions today caught me short and I was hit by how tough this process is going to be to go through.

So today had real highs and I’m really grateful for them.  But it also was very challenging and went to the core of who I am.  I don’t mean to be flippant, but there is power in being able to communicate and to start to process all of this: it is really good to talk.

11 comments:

  1. It is tough having to disturb other's stable easy lives but sometimes that is the only way forward. I spent decades anxious not to upset anyone with my problems!

    The toughest part of transition is getting the confidence to get out and live the role before changes due to hormones have taken place but you have covered the getting out already. The rest is just a process which takes a certain time, seems like an age before you start and is over before you know it. Only those who have experienced the misery of living a false life can understand the need to change.

    Now the bad news, the HRT makes weight control harder! This is my biggest challenge. Just a thought but have you considered Hypnotherapy? Good to read about progress.

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    1. Thank you for your wisdom Coline. I think I’m tending to agree. I’m not sure I can see another way forward and time being accepted as me is a very dangerously addictive thing. I really know what you mean re: pre-hormone confidence - especially as, at the moment, as I’m losing weight, my body is starting to go angular instead of rounded which is a real downside and makes getting out and about harder. But I know that I just need to do it more and over the coming months, it is my absolute intent.

      And thank you for the HRT weight news! I’m not sure I’m happy about that bit! I tend to mix up my diets - 6 months of one, then onto another. My issue though is rarely losing weight - I’m really good at that. I’m rubbish at keeping it off though…

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  2. It is tough having to disturb other's stable easy lives but sometimes that is the only way forward. I spent decades anxious not to upset anyone with my problems!

    The toughest part of transition is getting the confidence to get out and live the role before changes due to hormones have taken place but you have covered the getting out already. The rest is just a process which takes a certain time, seems like an age before you start and is over before you know it. Only those who have experienced the misery of living a false life can understand the need to change.

    Now the bad news, the HRT makes weight control harder! This is my biggest challenge. Just a thought but have you considered Hypnotherapy? Good to read about progress.

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  3. Yay for good places and being in them!

    Great to hear another update too!

    Joanna

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    1. Hello lovely, thank you for your encouragement, I really am grateful. Having a sadder place today, but there are very big ups and downs I guess! x

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  4. Rhiannon I think there is a difficult balance between doing what you need and doing the right thing by others. I don't envy you here and I have faced the exact same challenges as you for a number of years. Now that I am alone and my kids are older its easier for me but I know for you its a different story.

    Might not there be some form of compromise made by where you can spend considerably more time as Rhiannon?

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    1. Thank you Joanna, I really appreciate your comments - I'm a big fan of your blog. I'm finding to a greater extent every day that it is a really painful place to be dwelling. I've been married 20 years and virtually every day has been a fight I have mostly won to do the right thing by others. I guess I'm tiring of it if I'm really honest. The desperation to stop pretending and hiding grows along with the deeper and deeper sadness every time I have to switch back to male.

      Despite all of that, if there was a way of compromise I think I would still take it. I told my wife before we married that I was trans, but her hatred of it has only grown. The nearest compromise she gives me is "don't ask, don't tell." We have separated twice when she has decided on both occasions that she would ask and felt deeply uncomfortable with the answers. I know that any openness from me about my true state, would result in the end of the relationship. So I furtively dress when I can and when a few people around me are kind and accepting and I know that it is not going to get back to her.

      I’m open to compromise and would and have give so much, but I don’t really feel like there is any compromise for me. I feel selfish to expect any, but I’ve lived in hope for so long and just feel like my life is disappearing away in an endless waste. Almost every compromise that’s been asked of me up to and including conversion type therapy has been made and as you would expect, has failed. Mainly because, I’m told, I wasn’t trying hard enough, I wasn’t open enough. The only solution I can see right now is to get out of the situation which is devastating because actually, in all other respects, we are great friends and we get on so well, but this wedge between us, I suspect, is one too far.

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    2. I can't presume to advise you here but sometimes the people who say they love us have a strange way of showing it. You were open from the beginning and you are being guilted into controlling and dampening an intrinsic part of who you are.

      My marriage ended not because I was trans but because we didn't really have a solid foundation as a couple. Each of us is good today and we get along fine but you might want to examine what kind of foundation you truly have and how much real love is present.
      Please contact me at any time via the contact form on my page and I will answer. That way you will have my email.

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    3. You don't need conversion therapy Rhiannon. You need to love yourself as you are and to be appreciated and loved the same way by your partner. Being trans is not a disease but a difference. If you want to dialogue please contact me...

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    4. Joanna speaks with wisdom. We can take on a 100% burden and still feel guilt to please others who will not give an inch...

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    5. No need to advise, value added by summarising and playing back your thoughts. I agree - and thank you. Will drop you a message, thank you also for your kind offer.

      @Coline - also 100% agree. One line sums up my life - think I need that epitaph to change...

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