The first question, when you have been away from your own blog for an impolite amount of time, I suppose, is where to start? Looking at my most recent entry, you could be forgiven for wondering if I’d vanished in a blaze of self-recrimination after feeling like I had let my self down. Actually, it was worse than that, but in a very different way…
Shortly after the last blog, I started to feel unwell. Really unwell. Unwell to the point that I could barely eat without feeling lots of pain. Long story short, it resulted in me ending up in hospital and very quickly needing to adjust to a longish period of recovery following a fairly big operation. Not a serious, needing organs to be fixed or replaced type of operation, but certainly an open up your abdomen, poke around and repair one! Everything is all well and good now and I feel better than before, but it made for a mostly difficult Summer.
This may sound a little macabre, but one of the upsides of being so unwell was that I lost a whole load of weight. It was great, but when I then started eating again, disappointingly, it all began to pile back on to me. As you will know from previous blogs, I really struggle with my weight, so that was very disappointing. But it did inspire me to think about losing it properly. I know I’ve promised this before, but this time, rather than acting in the rash heat of the moment and failing, I have actually started already. Joining a local well-known brand of slimming groups, I have begun the process of reducing my size down…again. (Perpetual yo-yo dieter here I’m afraid!)
As you would expect, the group I joined, which is a large one, is primarily populated by female members. There are a few chaps, but not many. I find fitting in quite hard: as usual, I don’t feel part of either gender’s group. I’m not (outwardly) a girl and I certainly find it hard to connect to the men.
I had a major overwhelm of dysphoria at one point in my first meeting. As is customary, you are asked to identify a target to aim for and instead of what I was expected to say (i.e. losing a million pounds), I nearly said I wanted to be a size 14. Good sense kicked in and I realised that I’m not supposed to say that, so a target weight came out of my mouth instead. But inwardly I felt so frustrated. Why, for once, can’t I just live how I want to live and say it how it is and how I want it to be - I really really need to get this sorted out.
Anyway, to the group - I’m finding the purpose of the group meeting difficult: it is driven by almost a name and shame approach — or name and praise if weight has been lost. But most people there seem to be comfortable. As someone of my rotund proportions would expect, the weight is coming off well to start with — it’ll be interesting in a few months when it completely slows down to see how motivated I am at that point. But for now, at 1 stone (14lbs, 6.35kg) lighter than I was, I’m feeling more comfortable already and more importantly am gearing up to sign up to some gym membership. Fitness is as important to me as weight loss.
Other things are going on which I will report on later, but that will do for now except to say that during my period of unwellness, time as Rhiannon was rendered virtually impossible due to incapacitation and pain. But things have resumed and now, for the first time in many months, my heart is singing again.