Saturday, 24 September 2016

Less of me has returned than I left with...

The first question, when you have been away from your own blog for an impolite amount of time, I suppose, is where to start?  Looking at my most recent entry, you could be forgiven for wondering if I’d vanished in a blaze of self-recrimination after feeling like I had let my self down.  Actually, it was worse than that, but in a very different way…

Shortly after the last blog, I started to feel unwell.  Really unwell.  Unwell to the point that I could barely eat without feeling lots of pain.  Long story short, it resulted in me ending up in hospital and very quickly needing to adjust to a longish period of recovery following a fairly big operation.  Not a serious, needing organs to be fixed or replaced type of operation, but certainly an open up your abdomen, poke around and repair one!  Everything is all well and good now and I feel better than before, but it made for a mostly difficult Summer.  

This may sound a little macabre, but one of the upsides of being so unwell was that I lost a whole load of weight.  It was great, but when I then started eating again, disappointingly, it all began to pile back on to me.  As you will know from previous blogs, I really struggle with my weight, so that was very disappointing.  But it did inspire me to think about losing it properly.  I know I’ve promised this before, but this time, rather than acting in the rash heat of the moment and failing, I have actually started already.  Joining a local well-known brand of slimming groups, I have begun the process of reducing my size down…again. (Perpetual yo-yo dieter here I’m afraid!)

As you would expect, the group I joined, which is a large one, is primarily populated by female members.  There are a few chaps, but not many.  I find fitting in quite hard: as usual, I don’t feel part of either gender’s group.  I’m not (outwardly) a girl and I certainly find it hard to connect to the men.  

I had a major overwhelm of dysphoria at one point in my first meeting.  As is customary, you are asked to identify a target to aim for and instead of what I was expected to say (i.e. losing a million pounds), I nearly said I wanted to be a size 14.  Good sense kicked in and I realised that I’m not supposed to say that, so a target weight came out of my mouth instead.  But inwardly I felt so frustrated.  Why, for once, can’t I just live how I want to live and say it how it is and how I want it to be - I really really need to get this sorted out.

Anyway, to the group - I’m finding the purpose of the group meeting difficult: it is driven by almost a name and shame approach — or name and praise if weight has been lost.  But most people there seem to be comfortable.  As someone of my rotund proportions would expect, the weight is coming off well to start with — it’ll be interesting in a few months when it completely slows down to see how motivated I am at that point.  But for now, at 1 stone (14lbs, 6.35kg) lighter than I was, I’m feeling more comfortable already and more importantly am gearing up to sign up to some gym membership.  Fitness is as important to me as weight loss.

Other things are going on which I will report on later, but that will do for now except to say that during my period of unwellness, time as Rhiannon was rendered virtually impossible due to incapacitation and pain.  But things have resumed and now, for the first time in many months, my heart is singing again.


  1. Welcome back. Some folk go for a while between posts, so I think we'd not quite gathered a search party.

    Sorry to hear about your bout of poor health. I hope you are feeling much better and congratulations on trying to get fit.

    Summer... Meh... Autumn/Winter fashions are in now, so the best is yet to be. L x

    1. Thank you Lynn, I'm definitely with you on Autumn/Winter fashions - and on less perspiration and easier to apply make up in colder weather! :o)

      It was painful, but definitely well recovering. Shame no search party, they could have massaged my feet and fed me peeled grapes. Perhaps I should leave it longer next time? :o) x

  2. I'll confess I was growing concerned, but it's good to have you back and recovered!

    I hope you're feeling much better too and congrats on the fitness bug - I hear it works well.


    1. I should have blogged earlier - not just that so many of the thoughts going around in my head get clarified when I write.

      I have been following your blog in my absence though - I have a non-NT child and the honesty in your blog is inspiring, your recent posts have really captured your ongoing struggle well. I regularly think of you lovely lady. x

  3. Glad that you are recovering, it has been a while (like I can criticize...). I lost weight with the depression diet a couple times. Probably safer than organ issues, no?

    I bet with a little time, you will feel free to talk about size 14. Those ladies will understand. Just try to let Rhi handle things, even if you don't look the way you prefer. They will be treating you like one of the girls in no time. Then the reveal won't be a shock.

    Happy you are still with us!

    1. I wish I had your gift to encapsulate so much into such a short number of words. I try so often to act like a man so people won't guess what I am. I do need to let Rhiannon have her way far more when I'm interacting with people - probably would make it easier down the track. People who don't know me often think I'm gay which is odd given that I don't conform to those stereotypes. There must be something about what I give off that says more about me that the words I speak.

      I'm really good at losing weight - particularly once I put my mind to it. I'm just terrible at keeping it off! x

    2. Don't underestimate your writing, Rhi. You capture emotions in a way that I envy.