Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Why can’t I be more decisive?

I know, I know, its been a while.  And I left you in suspense the last time too.  But to be honest, I don’t know what to say really.  Things haven’t really moved forward.  I’ve made a couple of attempts to man up and face the future.  These normally end in disaster with me feeling bereft at the lack of Rhiannon in my life and result in some over compensating behaviour where I will place an order for some new shoes or dresses or something.  Or worse / better depending on your view - I turn up at work in Rhiannon mode.  I’m allowed to do this - small office, nice people, understanding boss etc etc.  The photo was the last time this happened.  But its still not really in the spirit of going home and being normal.  (I realise that sentence is very loaded)

Please don’t judge me too harshly, I am one very very confused bunny.  I’ve not articulated my doubts at home because I’m wary of rocking a precarious boat.  I don’t want to plump for a decision when I may end up being able to pull something out of the hat for my family.  They love me a lot and are going through some tough stuff from other directions too at the moment. I don't really want to add to their pain.  Daily, I oscillate 20 plus times between staying and going.  Hence, my question, why can’t I be more decisive?  I have many and various weaknesses that I have learned to live with in my life: this is one of them.  In my personal life, I am appalling at making difficult decisions.   Never so evident as in the last few months.  I seem to be at the point of being annoying.

In other news, I've lost a stone and things are always a bit happier when weight comes off.

This is probably a something or nothing post, but from my perspective it was an update so you could know where things were up to and reassurance that I’m still alive and still as crap as always.  Sorry.

8 comments:

  1. i would rather hear bad news than no news sometimes just because at least i know you are alive and i can see the roller coaster that life has you on! i hope that things improve! have a great thanksgiving!

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    1. Thank you - great analogy, it really does feel like a rollercoaster. There seems to be someone cruel running it as I've gone round the loop a few too many times!! :o)

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  2. Ditto, some news is better than none.

    You are far from annoying and I think I can glimpse a part of the huge strain you're under, you're all under.

    I have no words to assuage nor advise, I can offer metaphysical, through-the-internet, hugs and the online equivalent of an understanding nod. None of it sounds easy. I, personally, believe that everything has a purpose, that is, everything means something. Even crap means something. I make no claim about ever knowing what that is or even if it's all for the good.

    In other words, it's meaningful crap, which explains the oscillation. It's tough, don't beat yourself up over recognising that fact and not jumping feet first into either camp knowing full well the consequences of each.

    My thoughts are with you.

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    1. Thank you Joanna, really appreciate your support and your wisdom. I think that the problem lays in the fact that I did jump too soon and am now wondering whether I jumped the wrong way - feels like I did.

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  3. I suppose I would suggest that you are making a decision to keep the status quo? That sounds decisive to me.

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    1. Status quo would be perfect, but means moving back home, finding a whole lot of space to hide a wardrobe's worth of clothes and going against Mrs A's rules of refraining from being Rhi. The status quo has an unpalatable edge too...

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  4. No need to apologise, mrs. It's a difficult situation and it's going to take some time to work out what you really want. Good luck. L x

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