Grrrrrrrrr. Argggghhhhhh. I’m at another one of those points where so much good is happening to me as Rhiannon that its causing even more frustration. Going to the support group, Chameleons a week or so ago has unstuck some issues in my mind. But its like one of those logical Yoda-isms (Rogue One is fantastic by the way) - “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” OK, OK, enough fan girl stuff and to the point. I’ve had some real successes in the last week or so and lots of me has been very happy. But “happiness leads to needing to more happiness. More happiness requires sacrifice which leads to frustration. Frustration leads to stupidity.”
So, on happiness:
2. A long-standing friendship that I have which went south a few years ago, finally started to heal. A couple whom I love a lot, but had drifted apart when I perceived their poor handling of Mrs A and my last break up, thawed. I came out to them and they understood and were beyond accepting. Hopefully a meeting in January will move it even closer to being resolved.
3. So much positive feedback about the picture I posted last time. I've shown several of my friends and they have been lovely. One friend, who I've blogged about before - L, was so amazingly fantastic. I've re-read her comments loads of times because they were just so kind. I wish I could publish them in full - just to be able to say, 'look someone knows I'm trans and still said these amazing words about me'. I'm not saying this for effect, I sincerely believe the opposite from what she said and her words hit me deeply in my inner most soul.
4. The conversation that I talked about in my last blog where I was really struggling about how someone close to me was feeling got resolved. We had a very good conversation where I was very honest about how I was feeling and my fears and she reciprocated with how it was impacting her and why. I cried. A lot. Tears of relief but also of a frustration that is growing.
So these and other things are making me very happy at the moment (I am SO up and down aren’t I?). Despite the fair warnings from some wise contributors, this happiness and acceptance can be very addictive. Pretty much all the people who I want to know and like me as Rhiannon know, so to move further is to push the envelope into the world beyond that, which is scary. I know that I’ll have to go further to transition which I think increasingly in my mind is the pathway I want. But I try to balance that with doing it by my rules, in my timeframes.
So anyway, I went to a Christmas meal and had one too many wines. Before you worry, I’ve been keeping my alcohol consumption under control of late happily. But I was out with a group I do some work with and drunkness, frustration and need to be accepted combined in a sudden decision for me to out myself to a couple of the people there. They are probably amongst the few people I have told who are a) out of my normal circle and b) could impact back on my life in an uncontrolled way. To be fair, they were lovely, but I have no idea if they will report back on our conversation. Normally when I tell people, I know that there is discretion and in this case I don’t know that at all. I’m bracing myself for a circle of about 500 people who know me to potentially find out about Rhiannon. Its either going to be ok or the most stupid thing I’ve ever done because I also have no idea how the broader group would respond. Given that many of them are ruffty tufty men, I’m not sure if it’ll be positive. Today is the first day I go back into that world and I’m actually a little scared.
I really do need to get my frustration under check. My fat club Facebook group was posting before and after weight loss photos yesterday. I was so near to posting a very different type of before and after photo that also included a dimension of weight loss. I didn’t. But I am a little worried that my usual patient and careful side is a bit raggedy at the moment and I need to get it under control before I do something that I need to do, but in a stupid timescale before I’m really ready. Like now.