Sunday, 18 December 2016

So frustrating…and so stupid

Grrrrrrrrr.   Argggghhhhhh.   I’m at another one of those points where so much good is happening to me as Rhiannon that its causing even more frustration.  Going to the support group, Chameleons a week or so ago has unstuck some issues in my mind.  But its like one of those logical Yoda-isms (Rogue One is fantastic by the way) - “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”  OK, OK, enough fan girl stuff and to the point.  I’ve had some real successes in the last week or so and lots of me has been very happy.  But “happiness leads to needing to more happiness.  More happiness requires sacrifice which leads to frustration.  Frustration leads to stupidity.”

So, on happiness:

1. Weight loss is helping.  39.5lbs now lost since August which is great news.  This has increased my confidence.  Clothes that have been my staple for a long time now don’t fit me - I put on some jeans the other day which were just sagging around me.   Conversely clothes that were too small are now fitting again.  This is one of my favourite dresses and the fact that it fits me again is just a miracle.  Knowing that if I carry on it won’t any longer is bitter sweet.  Mainly sweet.  What other dresses await?

2. A long-standing friendship that I have which went south a few years ago, finally started to heal.  A couple whom I love a lot, but had drifted apart when I perceived their poor handling of Mrs A and my last break up, thawed.  I came out to them and they understood and were beyond accepting.  Hopefully a meeting in January will move it even closer to being resolved.

3. So much positive feedback about the picture I posted last time.  I've shown several of my friends and they have been lovely.  One friend, who I've blogged about before - L, was so amazingly fantastic.  I've re-read her comments loads of times because they were just so kind.  I wish I could publish them in full - just to be able to say, 'look someone knows I'm trans and still said these amazing words about me'.  I'm not saying this for effect, I sincerely believe the opposite from what she said and her words hit me deeply in my inner most soul.

4. The conversation that I talked about in my last blog where I was really struggling about how someone close to me was feeling got resolved.  We had a very good conversation where I was very honest about how I was feeling and my fears and she reciprocated with how it was impacting her and why.  I cried.  A lot.  Tears of relief but also of a frustration that is growing.

So these and other things are making me very happy at the moment (I am SO up and down aren’t I?).  Despite the fair warnings from some wise contributors, this happiness and acceptance can be very addictive.  Pretty much all the people who I want to know and like me as Rhiannon know, so to move further is to push the envelope into the world beyond that, which is scary.  I know that I’ll have to go further to transition which I think increasingly in my mind is the pathway I want.  But I try to balance that with doing it by my rules, in my timeframes.

So anyway, I went to a Christmas meal and had one too many wines.  Before you worry, I’ve been keeping my alcohol consumption under control of late happily.  But I was out with a group I do some work with and drunkness, frustration and need to be accepted combined in a sudden decision for me to out myself to a couple of the people there.  They are probably amongst the few people I have told who are a) out of my normal circle and b) could impact back on my life in an uncontrolled way.  To be fair, they were lovely, but I have no idea if they will report back on our conversation.  Normally when I tell people, I know that there is discretion and in this case I don’t know that at all.  I’m bracing myself for a circle of about 500 people who know me to potentially find out about Rhiannon.  Its either going to be ok or the most stupid thing I’ve ever done because I also have no idea how the broader group would respond.  Given that many of them are ruffty tufty men, I’m not sure if it’ll be positive.  Today is the first day I go back into that world and I’m actually a little scared.

I really do need to get my frustration under check.  My fat club Facebook group was posting before and after weight loss photos yesterday.  I was so near to posting a very different type of before and after photo that also included a dimension of weight loss.  I didn’t.   But I am a little worried that my usual patient and careful side is a bit raggedy at the moment and I need to get it under control before I do something that I need to do, but in a stupid timescale before I’m really ready.  Like now.

4 comments:

  1. Yes, happiness feels good and yes, who wouldn't want the good times to keep on a comin'? Sorry, I seem to have give a bit Dukes of Hazzard;-)

    I've fallen into a similar trap and like you, found it's addictive and unsustainable. I remember in the darker days, taking to my doctor about wanting to be happy again. He said there's only two types of people who are always happy: children's presenters and people on drugs - often these are one and the same :-)

    Looking at the trans stuff, I wonder if the happiness you feel when you're out to people, is a bit like coming up for air? I mean, years of not being who you feel you need to be, who wouldn't feel good about leaving the old shackles behind and being free to be all of who you are?

    It's a difficult balance, but I think you can pull it off. Congrats on the weight loss. You're looking fab.

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    1. Dukes of Hazard - that was such a great show. Was it wrong that I wanted to be Daisy rather than Bo or Luke? Unfortunately now I'm just avoiding looking like Uncle Jesse! :o)

      I completely agree - wise words as always Lynn. I guess because I've pretty much decided that I'm going to be a permanent breather of the free air at some point, I'm frustrated that it can't be now. I'm trying desperately hard to keep the balance until I decide to act in my timescales rather than those driven, in this case by wine, but usually by that overwhelming dysphoric need. I like your Dr, I don't think it will make me happy because of the amount it will cost to do, but breathing free air is worth the sacrifice and pain...

      Thank you re: weight loss, it is feeling great - just having a nightmare of being between sizes at the moment. Being larger, they often combine two sizes together. Currently, the bigger combination is too big and the smaller too tiny. Can't wait to lose more so that things fit again. #ThinGirlProblems :o) x

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  2. Well done on the weight loss Riannon, keep up the good work, the sacrifices are well worth it in the end, especially when you can get into nice dresses.

    I outed myself to a couple of people I work with and I hadn't the excuse of being drunk. I took a big gamble as it good have gone so badly. Luckily they were okay about it and were there when I needed to let off steam. I do worry about it getting round my place of work as not everyone would be as supportive.

    I hope it went okay for you on your first day back post Xmas meal.

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    1. Thank you Charlotte - is becoming like a snowball effect - the more you lose, the more you want to lose. Christmas food at work on Thursday notwithstanding, I'm on course for another loss this week - I'm such a loser!! :o)

      So far, its been fine and I don't think anything has gone any further - the first day back was ok quickly once I realised that (for now) I was still in the clear!

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