Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Odd decision

For someone doing their best not to be the girl anymore, I made a very odd decision. I told someone else about Rhiannon - and showed them a photo. Why did I do that?

I'm starting to suspect something that is probably blindingly obvious to everyone who reads this: I'm actually not doing very well at this giving up malarky. Yes, I've stopped wearing her clothes, but I still think like her and she is still there inside me. I still have no spatial awareness and can't tell my left from my right. Actually, I'm not sure that point is significant.

But the point that is important is what happened today. I've been at a conference for a few days. It is a conference that is attended by a lot of women and today they really let loose. There were pretty dresses, gorgeous shoes, great make up and more. I was supposed to feel in control and together. Instead, something shifted in me and my heart was so desperately sad. I knew that in reality I would never be one of them and I definitely wouldn't be thin and dainty, but I could have felt a skirt swishing around my knees, been wearing nice tights and enjoying walking around in heels. I just wanted to cry. And I wanted to be a confident, happy woman.

What on earth I'm going to do, I really don't know. I feel like I'm in a worse position than even where I was at square one. I hope against hope even now, but the experiment is starting to derail. The thought of giving up what I've recaptured again is just painful. But I can't block who I am anymore. It hurts too much to pretend.

I was driving tonight just willing myself not to go on a shopping spree so I could just be her again. If only for one night. But it's also probably not the answer.

2 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear how difficult this is for you, Rhi. For those of us who are denying the urges, I can't imagine anything more fraught than a wedding or formal event where the women are dressed to the nines. The envy and depression that is inspired in us is colossal. Glad you managed not to cry, that would've been interesting to explain.

    You certainly have some major decisions looming. Try to keep your chin up.

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  2. I can well understand the pressure you must be feeling - trying to hide what seems like a very important part of you must seem overwhelming at times. You might say it's an odd decision but sometimes its a relief to share the things that trouble us the most. I hope you found some support. 

    I admire what you are doing for your family but you and your happiness are important as well. I am not sure if there in any latitude at home but I do wonder whether there is some chance to have sometime for you. 

    Its so hard to know what to say for the best - just know that my thoughts are with you. Just wish I could help. 

    Becca

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