When I thought about how I was feeling at the moment, several words sprang to mind. Detached was one of them. Like I’m looking at myself from the outside, an out of body experience if you will. Nothing seems really real.
And then like piano falling from the sky came the word numbness and I knew that was what it was. Numbness is a partial or total lack of sensation in a part of the body. It’s the summation of where I think I am in my life. I can see things wandering up to me and touching me, I can see people smiling, laughing or even being sad and unhappy, but its like its not real and I certainly can’t feel it. Its like watching a movie in slow motion where the words are slurred and you know that its just being played for you and that you are not actually part of it.
I have some work colleagues who sometimes can draw me out of this preoccupation. This morning was the funniest half an hour of telephone conference call I have had in a very long time. Mostly the jokes were at my expense of course. But both the other people on the call know about the girl in my life, are incredibly cool with it. Some of the best comments from both them (and me) headed in Rhiannon’s direction. Rhiannon liked that a lot.
And despite everything and being supposed to be stopping, I told another friend about me. She was, as I expected, lovely. One day I’ll also have the confidence to tell her that I think that she is the best-dressed woman I’ve ever seen. She would disagree, but her taste in how to look feminine is perfect. She really knows how to put outfits together and to play to her considerable strengths. I’m glad she knows - I’ve wanted to tell her for a while.
So today was a day of reprieve, but I expect the numbness to return and in some ways that protective shield isn’t a bad thing. It helps me get through the days and gets me to the moments when family and friends can take it away for a while and bring me back to life again. Some will see that as a bad thing and perhaps they are right, but either way, I focus on the happiness of the people who get to have the boy in their life.