I spent some time reading through my blogs yesterday and realised that over the last 6 months, I have become seriously miserable! Those with a longer span of blogs will be able to see the trends in their moods even further. But my trend is from hopeful wonderer to grumpy cow. This is a trend that I intend to reverse, whatever happens.
Whether I am presenting as a girl or not isn't the issue. I need to work on me. The question is what happened to that person who until recently was actually happy and moving forward with their life? I’m a lucky person - I have two great jobs, a wonderful family and people who care about me. Surely that’s enough?
In the words of Captain my Captain from The Dead Poet’s Society, “Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.” *coughs up a big bit of bone*
So today, right now, the rot stops. The experience of the last 6 months has led me to put on even more weight. I really am a heifer now and would look terrible in my favourite LBD, even if I was wearing it at the moment. I’m about as unfit as I have ever been. I’ve been quaffing more wine than I ever have before (ok, some bits aren’t as bad!).
But I want to get more out of my life. I’d love to be healthier. I need bit by bit to let more of Rhiannon back into my life. Missing her makes me cranky. I just want to enjoy myself again. I want to laugh and I want joy to be the default setting. I look at the world with such excitement at its many possibilities. I have so much, why do I obsess about what I don’t have? Its all a matter of times and seasons.
Many wise people on here have said that I can’t get rid of the girl and they are, I have found, completely right. But I’m going to relax about it and just bit by bit work out how some of her can be there and bleed through so that I’m not a miserable wreck and that the people around me will still be around me.
I don’t know what’s brought this on, but I am filled with hope and optimism this morning. Long may it stay. Hope you have a great weekend...