Saturday, 23 July 2011

The Happiness Manifesto

I spent some time reading through my blogs yesterday and realised that over the last 6 months, I have become seriously miserable!  Those with a longer span of blogs will be able to see the trends in their moods even further.  But my trend is from hopeful wonderer to grumpy cow.  This is a trend that I intend to reverse, whatever happens.

Whether I am presenting as a girl or not isn't the issue.  I need to work on me.  The question is what happened to that person who until recently was actually happy and moving forward with their life?  I’m a lucky person - I have two great jobs, a wonderful family and people who care about me.  Surely that’s enough?

In the words of Captain my Captain from The Dead Poet’s Society, “Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.”  *coughs up a big bit of bone*

So today, right now, the rot stops.  The experience of the last 6 months has led me to put on even more weight.  I really am a heifer now and would look terrible in my favourite LBD, even if I was wearing it at the moment.  I’m about as unfit as I have ever been. I’ve been quaffing more wine than I ever have before (ok, some bits aren’t as bad!).

But I want to get more out of my life.  I’d love to be healthier.  I need bit by bit to let more of Rhiannon back into my life.  Missing her makes me cranky.  I just want to enjoy myself again.  I want to laugh and I want joy to be the default setting.  I look at the world with such excitement at its many possibilities.  I have so much, why do I obsess about what I don’t have?  Its all a matter of times and seasons.

Many wise people on here have said that I can’t get rid of the girl and they are, I have found, completely right.  But I’m going to relax about it and just bit by bit work out how some of her can be there and bleed through so that I’m not a miserable wreck and that the people around me will still be around me.

I don’t know what’s brought this on, but I am filled with hope and optimism this morning.  Long may it stay.  Hope you have a great weekend...

2 comments:

  1. It seems you and I are thinking along the same wavelength. If it is something we are, then we cannot 'beat it' Rhiannon. We have been trying that tactic, and now need to move on to the next one on our 'list' of things to try other than letting the girl take the wheel. Let's just make sure we put a big checkmark against this one before we leave.

    Try getting rid of the girl:
    Been there tried that, got fat and miserable trying. DONE.

    You have a better weekend too!

    Halle
    xox

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  2. You know I lost 20lbs since January and I am now busily putting it back on. I have some sort of porky switch in my head that seems to say - right let's eat and drink to excess. I am now in danger of not fitting into any of my skirts ..... pah.

    I have gone through periods in my life that I thought I could put 'me' in a box and move on - but I came to realise that it's just wasn't possible. Even after making the decision to take HRT I still stopped for a few months, part way through, as I thought that maybe it wasn't the correct decision and I could be the 'man'. I was wrong. I finally came to the decision that I had to embrace who I was - there was no other way. As Halle says - I had the equivilant of a big 'check' mark placed where I could see it to remind myself that I had tried everything and now was the time to stop hiding so much.

    As the saying goes, your methods may vary but I honestly feel that giving yourself the freedom to be you - even within the confines of keeping the family around you happy - can only be a good thing. I think your blogs represent how hard you have tried to shut a huge part of yourself away and the unhappiness is a reflection of what that denial costs in personal terms.

    I have no answers - we all have to discover our own - but choosing to live your life and be happy can only be a good step.

    I hoper your weekend has been good.

    Becca

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