Friday, 9 March 2012

Half and half

OK, so interesting night.  One of my fantastic friends is an absolute guru on woman’s fashion, image and style.  What she doesn’t know about the subject isn’t worth knowing and she has amazing taste in clothes and just knows what works on anyone.  Tonight, she was running an event for women on what the trends are for Spring Summer, what has been on the catwalk and how its translated to High Street fashion.

Together with another friend, the lovely L, I decided to go along.  It seemed like a really good idea when I booked.  I love guru-lady to bits, she is awesome - and was just the most welcoming host.  There must have been 80-90 ladies there - and me.  Running late and going straight from work, I went in boy mode and it felt weird.  Don’t get me wrong: the presentation was great - and some great advice - in fact, I can’t wait to go shopping - I loved some of the new fashion styles.  I got really wrapped up in the presentation.

80-90 ladies having a ball and one very awkward looking, besuited and bespectacled large man kinda didn’t really work.  The situation bought out the paranoia in me.  Surely they are thinking, “what’s that man doing here.”  Or, “does he realise he arrived in the wrong place.”  Or worse, “he is making me feel uncomfortable.”  I know it was my issue, I was the one feeling out of place, they probably didn’t even notice.

But it brought home to me that I’m just in a weird half and half state.  I don’t fit in with men at all, I can’t do the bloke conversation.  After years of trying, I just can’t.  But I very clearly didn’t find it easy to fit in with girls either.  Maybe if I had been dressed and made up I might have.  But somehow I feel like that would have made it even more difficult.  L was lovely and I was so glad she was there or I don’t know how I would have coped at all.

Feeling frustrated, confused and like I’m never going to fit in anywhere.  Is this our lot, or is it just me?


  1. I've been to a few meetings in boy mode, and I understand your feelings, I think. If you were getting actual looks, it was no doubt them feeling bad that you were embarrassed and uncomfortable when it was not necessary.

    Most of us recognize that being at the meeting with people that get us is way more important than how well (or if) we present. We sometimes have folks that will go six or eight meetings before they feel freed up enough to reveal themselves. It's not a scarlet letter, Rhi. You're just paying your dues.

  2. So I am said guru and I am so thrilled that you came last night. There were no funny looks, there were no comments of 'what's he doing there'. You chatted, you blended in and you were totally accepted.

    Yes of course that's because you were dressed like a man and therefore no-one knew your inner turmoil. Of course it would have been different if you were dressed up as Rhiannon but I would have protected you because you are my friend no matter your shape, size or sexual orientation.

    It's just heartbreaking the self talk we have to listen to inside our own heads.

    You are such a fantastic person, stop beating yourself up and start living.

    Love you loads xxx