I’ve been using the weekend to get stuff in order. No bad reason. Just was feeling out of control in terms of what I had committed to do for people. But its amazing that when you begin to get stuff sorted out that it frees up your brain to think. So this weekend, I also thunked.
There is surely a balance between stupidity and bravery? You can’t be daft with your girliness and just flaunt it? Just saying ‘f**k it’ and going out irrespective of convincingness isn’t something people do is it? Mini-skirts and fat legs are wrong aren’t they? 37 year old men in mainstream situations wearing women’s clothes is a hanging offense right? Telling people that you are trans is tantamount to jumping off a cliff with no parachute isn’t it?
What’s the point? There are people in this blogosphere of ours who do all of the above. They enjoy their girliness. They don’t care about passing. They (God forbid) wear mini-skirts without any regard for the prettiness of their legs. They go into the mainstream. They are open and honest with most people about who they are.
Let’s just make one thing very very clear. I’m not one of them. On the miniskirt front, you should be very grateful for that. Although once upon a time, the pins weren’t bad. But what is it that stops me? Why don’t I just get stuck in? Instead, what I do is to constantly overthink the situation. Most situations actually. Last week's fashion event for example. I play the mind games of "what are people thinking?" and are they are thinking negative thoughts about me. I should just get in there and enjoy myself. Ironically, part of what I am thinking is that they might get the wrong idea about me. Let’s just play that one through a second. For fun. A man, presenting as a man, at a ladies fashion event, trawling through stalls of ladies clothes, looking comfortable and happy. What conclusion would you draw other than the one that is 100% spot on correct? Why am I bothered about the fact that people draw that conclusion? Its what I am -- and if I’m going to such events, surely I am putting myself out there as it is already. So worrying about it means I end up not enjoying myself as much as I should have.
The thing is that I need to get a bit braver and just do it. I need to stop worrying about what people think all the time and worry about the fact that I am missing out and not getting any younger while I’m doing it. Sarah posted on my last blog saying that I need to, “stop beating yourself up and start living.” She has known me a long time and she’s right. I know that some of the above points are correct: there is definitely a balance between stupidity and bravery. Turning up at work and knocking on the Director's door as Rhiannon without warning might be seen as silly. Shocking Mrs A with my favourite dress would definitely be a negative life changing experience. But there is more enjoyment of life to be had than I’m having at the moment. Much more. And I want it really badly.
I want to be one of them.