Monday, 12 March 2012

Cross that I’m not braver

I’ve been using the weekend to get stuff in order.  No bad reason.  Just was feeling out of control in terms of what I had committed to do for people.  But its amazing that when you begin to get stuff sorted out that it frees up your brain to think.  So this weekend, I also thunked.

There is surely a balance between stupidity and bravery?  You can’t be daft with your girliness and just flaunt it?  Just saying ‘f**k it’ and going out irrespective of convincingness isn’t something people do is it?  Mini-skirts and fat legs are wrong aren’t they?  37 year old men in mainstream situations wearing women’s clothes is a hanging offense right?  Telling people that you are trans is tantamount to jumping off a cliff with no parachute isn’t it?

What’s the point?  There are people in this blogosphere of ours who do all of the above. They enjoy their girliness.  They don’t care about passing.  They (God forbid) wear mini-skirts without any regard for the prettiness of their legs.  They go into the mainstream.  They are open and honest with most people about who they are.

Let’s just make one thing very very clear.  I’m not one of them.  On the miniskirt front, you should be very grateful for that.  Although once upon a time, the pins weren’t bad.  But what is it that stops me? Why don’t I just get stuck in?  Instead, what I do is to constantly overthink the situation.  Most situations actually.  Last week's fashion event for example.  I play the mind games of "what are people thinking?" and are they are thinking negative thoughts about me. I should just get in there and enjoy myself.  Ironically, part of what I am thinking is that they might get the wrong idea about me.  Let’s just play that one through a second.  For fun.  A man, presenting as a man, at a ladies fashion event, trawling through stalls of ladies clothes, looking comfortable and happy.  What conclusion would you draw other than the one that is 100% spot on correct?  Why am I bothered about the fact that people draw that conclusion?  Its what I am -- and if I’m going to such events, surely I am putting myself out there as it is already.  So worrying about it means I end up not enjoying myself as much as I should have.

The thing is that I need to get a bit braver and just do it.  I need to stop worrying about what people think all the time and worry about the fact that I am missing out and not getting any younger while I’m doing it.  Sarah posted on my last blog saying that I need to, “stop beating yourself up and start living.”  She has known me a long time and she’s right.  I know that some of the above points are correct: there is definitely a balance between stupidity and bravery.  Turning up at work and knocking on the Director's door as Rhiannon without warning might be seen as silly.  Shocking Mrs A with my favourite dress would definitely be a negative life changing experience.   But there is more enjoyment of life to be had than I’m having at the moment.  Much more.  And I want it really badly.

I want to be one of them.


  1. What conclusion would you draw other than..

    That he...

    1. Owns a shop or fashion business.

    2. He really knows what his mrs likes.

    3. He's stuck for a pressie for a female relative.

    Would they sus you as trans? Maybe, maybe not. But is it another thing to be sussed and another thing to be called on it? If you were 'read' - as I believe the lingo is nowadays ;-) - would anyone risk social embarrassment of asking you as such? Can I finish a paragraph without another question?

    Doh. ;-)

    there is definitely a balance between stupidity and bravery

    BASE jumping with or without a parachute springs to mind, but then I think the tablets are wearing off. :-) Dare I ask, how much do you (you as in 'one') hold back because of what people think? How many opportunities will slip by if you let fear get in the way? Sure, don't be daft about it, but for what it's worth, I think your friend Sarah was right on the mark with her suggestion.

    Look after yourself,

  2. Lynn, thank you. You are fast becoming the guru of sense and wisdom around this joint. And I concede there could have been other interpretations of my fashion based actions. It is just a bizarre mind game that says, 'its obvious', 'surely an idiot could 'read' this trans person a mile off' etc. But that's probably because its all I can see.

    The point both Sarah and you make is a good one. And I do let fear get completely in the way of being Rhiannon. I know that I'm not a complete sadsack and that I do somethings - e.g. have gone out dressed, gone to Chams, done photoshoots etc, but those are the exceptions not the rule. So for example, when you blog about going to the pub after Chams, the thought would immobilise me currently. And its why I'm cross with myself. Typically, I'm brave. I do stuff that other people run away from, but I'm struggling to translate it into this and keep telling myself that I would do it, if only I was thin and more passable. Hogwash, I know.

  3. The stupid thing is that whilst we all think that what we do or say seems to shout 'T' to the world at large - it frankly doesn't.

    Perhaps if one of the ladies there knows someone who is 'T something' then the thought might cross her mind but she would never say anything.I know my partner has these thoughts about other 'men' from time to time but she has inside information.

    In my own case I have always thought that perhaps others have guessed about me but they just don't. Mrs B told one of her closest friends last night and she didn't have a clue.

    I have always felt that one of the hardest things with the T stuff is stop worrying what others might think and live your life - something I seem to think you have said to me in a round about way ?