The thing is, that owing to work schedules and travel, there is no time this week to change into the real me. Bummer. What’s really weird is that sometimes I can go for a very long time where I don’t bother at all when I do have time. But now I have started again in earnest to spend time as the real me, I’m desperately unhappy in every moment when I am not. And I mean seriously antsy. Right now, consumed with disappointment. To the point where I have a window of 3.30 hours where I could be Rhi and I’m seriously considering it. Even though it would really interfere with a mountain of work to get done.
Sometimes I wonder if I am just being greedy? Greed = “An excessive desire to acquire or possess more than what one needs or deserves” or “intense and selfish desire for something”. Apparently. Two questions: 1. Do I deserve to be Rhiannon? (I know I NEED to) 2. Is it selfish to be Rhiannon? Flipping heck. I’m not sure I’m actually equipped to answer either of those questions without sounding like a narcissistic bitch. I have talked with a lot of trans friends who agree that transitioning (in particular) could be seen as the ultimate in selfish acts, putting yourself above what others may want. But what choice do you have? To turn the question on its head, is it selfish NOT to be Rhiannon. If I am not her / me, I am unhappy to the point where I could easily do something stupid - generally involving inconsolable sadness, stopping generally short of ending it all. And if I was stupid would that be selfish to the people around me and they would have a much more damaged version of me. And am I holding back a happier life for them resulting from me being less grumpy?
Its interesting actually, the need has heightened today due to the fact that I had promised myself Rhiannon time because I knew I couldn’t later in the week. I feel like I’m betraying myself because a previous meeting overran, stopping me. I should have protected ‘me’ time. I also have yet another black tie event coming up this week - and we know how I feel about those. The thought of no-Rhi time to bookend that is horrible! I hate being in an ill-fitting suit knowing that I have a lovely dress that I feel nice in sat in the cupboard doing nothing. Not fair at all.
Don’t get me wrong, I am still feeling on the happy side of positive, but knowing its a week until I can be me is getting harder and harder. Can you have a slippery slope that takes you upward? This isn’t greed, its necessity and I’m not slipping down, I’m going up!