Monday, 25 January 2016

The Anatomy of Greed? Or slippery slopes?

The thing is, that owing to work schedules and travel, there is no time this week to change into the real me.  Bummer.   What’s really weird is that sometimes I can go for a very long time where I don’t bother at all when I do have time.  But now I have started again in earnest to spend time as the real me, I’m desperately unhappy in every moment when I am not.  And I mean seriously antsy.  Right now, consumed with disappointment.  To the point where I have a window of 3.30 hours where I could be Rhi and I’m seriously considering it.  Even though it would really interfere with a mountain of work to get done.

Sometimes I wonder if I am just being greedy?  Greed = “An excessive desire to acquire or possess more than what one needs or deserves” or “intense and selfish desire for something”.  Apparently. Two questions:  1. Do I deserve to be Rhiannon? (I know I NEED to)  2.  Is it selfish to be Rhiannon?  Flipping heck.  I’m not sure I’m actually equipped to answer either of those questions without sounding like a narcissistic bitch.  I have talked with a lot of trans friends who agree that transitioning (in particular) could be seen as the ultimate in selfish acts, putting yourself above what others may want.  But what choice do you have?  To turn the question on its head, is it selfish NOT to be Rhiannon.  If I am not her / me, I am unhappy to the point where I could easily do something stupid - generally involving inconsolable sadness, stopping generally short of ending it all.   And if I was stupid would that be selfish to the people around me and they would have a much more damaged version of me.  And am I holding back a happier life for them resulting from me being less grumpy?

Its interesting actually, the need has heightened today due to the fact that I had promised myself Rhiannon time because I knew I couldn’t later in the week.  I feel like I’m betraying myself because a previous meeting overran, stopping me.  I should have protected ‘me’ time.  I also have yet another black tie event coming up this week - and we know how I feel about those.  The thought of no-Rhi time to bookend that is horrible!  I hate being in an ill-fitting suit knowing that I have a lovely dress that I feel nice in sat in the cupboard doing nothing.  Not fair at all.

Don’t get me wrong, I am still feeling on the happy side of positive, but knowing its a week until I can be me is getting harder and harder.  Can you have a slippery slope that takes you upward?  This isn’t greed, its necessity and I’m not slipping down, I’m going up!

9 comments:

  1. Rhi, I absolutely know the feeling encapsulated in that first paragraph, especially the feeling of being seriously unhappy, and extended periods of moodiness and depression when opportunities are so few and far on the horizon as to be invisible.
    In fact it's been so long now )last October) with no further opportunity in sight this side of April that I'm also starting to ask the same questions: Is it a good thing to let this need have such a hold over the rest of my life?

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    1. Hi Susie, I don't know - I grapple with it all the time. I guess the question that springs to mind about whether its good to let the thing have a hold is whether you have a choice? I've tried everything to stop it from so-called 'conversion therapy' through to willpower and more and it persists. Does allowing my genuine self to shine and to be enjoyed make me feel better? So much so, yes. So is it the trans-ness that has the hold or the need to behave according to societal (and in my case work and familial) expectation that had the unhealthy hold. Not sure for you, but the conclusion for me is become a very obvious answer. xx

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  2. Hi Rhi
    That's an interesting and pertinent pair of central questions in "Am I being greedy?" and, especially, "Do I deserve to be happy?" that cut to the heart of the problem, especially if a family or partner are part of the equation. That is, "does my need to be happy outweigh the possibility in pursuing it, I could make people I care about unhappy?" That's the central question I've been wrestling with and the answer in my case is yes, I am being selfish and my happiness is secondary to that of others. Unfortunately it's not that simple, and my unhappiness and depression has an equally negative and damaging effect on my relationship when I can't hide it. If it was just me, or I had an accepting partner, then I'd revel in being Susie as much as I could and, I suspect, even find paradoxically that there would be long periods when I didn't want or need to be.
    Love and best Wishes, Susie

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    1. Interesting response as my conclusion after 20+ years of trying to conclude otherwise is the opposite. I can't actually bear to be unhappy to that degree any more. I have lived (and still live) like their needs are secondary. But I've also realised that my unhappiness is felt and makes them unhappy without them realise why... xxx

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  3. Hi Rhi
    Sorry. I had to go away and think about that last one for a bit.
    I really wonder how long I can bear it as well. It's worked (barely) as a coping strategy for a long time, but it's one of the main reasons why I don't want to retire and face all that free time.
    But on the other hand I don't want to die and face the fact that for the majority of my life I have avoided being myself because I was scared.

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  4. And sorry, I was half asleep when I wrote. I meant to say that I live like their needs are primary and mine are secondary which is good, but is it sustainable. I share your feelings in your latest response. Scares me a lot really. At 41, I'm not near retirement, but the thought that I die and am seen have been seen as a man rather than the female I want to show to the world and that I'm referred to by my man name at my funeral is just wrong. It is partly driven by fear, but also concern for other people and a desire to be in their lives. I absolutely know that if I switch, it will lead to divorce and the associated consequences. That holds me back more. For a while, and until I lose weight, I won't pass. Being read is scary, but I've got to the point where I'm less bothered about that. There are ways around it. I can't advise you, you have to make your own mind up, but the same thing that worries you, worries me.

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  5. As usual, your philosophical moments lead to truths. This certainly reads more positively and remains brutal in its honesty.

    I have nothing constructive to add, however. I know what you mean though.

    Jo
    xx

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    1. Thank you so much - you are just so encouraging- just knowing that I'm being heard and that I'm not going mad means a lot. Really hope you get a Yorkshire trip in this year - would be good to meet you. My email is rhiannon_adams@hotmail.co.uk. Drop me a line - I travel the uk a lot! We might find somewhere else convenient to meet.

      Thank you again lovely lady,
      Rhi xxxx

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  6. Selfish .... hmmmmm. Don't see it that way myself. Others seem to suggest that it's selfish to take away the pain of living in the wrong gender. Yeah well walk for 40 years in my shoes and you get the right to tell me that. If you haven't then poke off.

    It's not selfish it's logical and i for one don't think we are here to be miserable. What a shame to not take this gift of life and wring every ounce of joy that you can from it. What a shame to feel pain every day and not take the cure.

    The red pill is tough to swallow at times but if a cure from GID is what you seek then transition is your answer

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