Friday, 1 January 2016

2016: A Fresh Start?

Down in the mouth doesn’t begin to describe where I’ve been for a long time now.  I offer up a succession of painfully sad blogs in evidence to you.  I’m not a believer in artificial New Year dates as a prospect for renewal, but I have to say that yesterday, as I reflected on the previous year, I found something very encouraging.  I always make a list of goals for the year ahead.  Amorphous, badly thought through resolutions clearly don’t work.  So, instead, underneath a series of headings that I have used for a while, I create a total of 20-30 goals for the year — a ‘bucket list’ if you like.  My headings are:

Work
Personal Finances
Relationship
Personal Development
Weight and health
Philanthropy
Rhiannon
Fun

Generally I use them to beat myself up and it becomes a toxic document by which I realise just how far I am away from where I would like to be as a person.  Yesterday was different.  In searching for last year’s document, I actually found instead, the one I wrote in 2012.  Sad probably that I keep them, but as I went down the list, I realised that about 75-80% of them had been achieved.  They weren’t all done in 2012, but clearly they bubbled away at my consciousness and many of them - including some challenging and exciting ones got done.  My spirits lifted and I realised that maybe if I focus, I could get more of this year’s actually done and perhaps, while 2016 is still around!  So I created my list yesterday with a good deal of hope in my heart.

I’ve been sadder of late than I have let on in this blog.  I guess here there is a self editing filter that I use to not be seen as a bleak, flaky weirdo.  But I have had some very tough decisions to make and I have faced (and continue to face) some intractable challenges that gnaw away at me.  Some that I doubt my ability to resolve, but I have to anyway.  I have found myself in some very dark places which for an overly enthusiastic extroverted optimist has been very scary and has rocked my self-confidence.

Its amazing the bizarre places where wisdom comes to meet you, especially when you are not searching for it.  The other day, I was watching ‘Kinky Boots’ on TV.  There is a line at the end of the film that hit me between the eyes - Lauren (one of the factory workers) says to her boss (the instigator of shoe creation), “So here we are again. Charlie Price, standing in front of me, saying, ‘It's not my fault. What can I do?’”  I face a similar cross-roads.  I wondered whether I would take responsibility for all of these challenges or whether I just need to give up and say, ‘It's not my fault. What can I do?’  A lot of the time, the ‘what can I do’ eludes me. But hopefully this blog explains the determination left in my heart to try.  There are so many things I want to experience and do as the real me and maybe…hopefully…2016 is the year to take of the stabilisers and to try again.

10 comments:

  1. I really hope 2016 will be a wonderful year for you. I think you will make it a wonderful year for you. Sue x

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    1. Thank you so much Sue - I need to get happier and to enjoy life more. Fingers crossed I can make it a great year. x

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  2. I wish you all the best Rhi, I hope 2016 will bring you closer to achieving your goals. x

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    1. Thank you Dani - I wish exactly the same wish for you lovely lady x

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  3. I wouldn't recommend giving up. A) The sh** still flies at you, and B) ain't nobody gonna tidy this up, but you. Clearly the latter sage advice is from Different Strokes :-)

    I think with small steps, you'll make progress. Looking at a task, say 'tidy the living room', seems insurmountable until you break it into smaller and more achievable micro-steps. Chances are I'm preaching to the choir, given your background. :-) But, in a long winded waffley way, I'm trying to say that you can do it. It won't be easy, but I think you'll get there. Just keep tracking the good memories and put the others down as 'an opportunity for learning and moving on' L x

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    1. Hi Lynn - totally love that you quoted Diff'rent Strokes - made me smile broadly! I think you are right about the small steps - I don't do that enough - I'm very big picture and struggle sometimes to break things down. Part of the problem with some of the issues is that the next step is so unpalatable and going to be very painful (difficult conversations, worst of two evils situations, possible horrible consequences if I get it wrong) that I've been weak by avoiding them and not putting myself through it. I need to suck it up really and get on with it.... x

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  4. Happy 2016! May it bring more goals from 2013, 2014 and 2015 as well as providing opportunities to celebrate goals achieved from now.

    God bless you, Rhi!

    Joanna
    xx

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    1. Thank you Joanna, you really are so lovely. Hope you have an awesome year and that you get to see lots of light at the end of the tunnel. Would definitely be great to see you in person this year. x

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  5. Small micro steps ...... They can get you a long long way when they come one step after another.

    It's very easy to wallow and not do things ...it's simple. What's not so easy is living with the consequences of not doing things that you are desperate to do. Your life, your choices.

    I would quite something froma sitcom from 35 (?) years ago but my memory is rubbish.

    Happy New Year :)

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    1. Happy New Year lovely lady - and thank you. Your advice and support is always appreciated and timely. I spend too much time avoiding things because of the consequences - good or bad.

      I realised over Christmas that I miss the age of great sitcoms. Not that I'm great at quoting them too! I think we need to leave it to the Lynn Jones professionals :o)

      See you soon, Rhi x

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