Down in the mouth doesn’t begin to describe where I’ve been for a long time now. I offer up a succession of painfully sad blogs in evidence to you. I’m not a believer in artificial New Year dates as a prospect for renewal, but I have to say that yesterday, as I reflected on the previous year, I found something very encouraging. I always make a list of goals for the year ahead. Amorphous, badly thought through resolutions clearly don’t work. So, instead, underneath a series of headings that I have used for a while, I create a total of 20-30 goals for the year — a ‘bucket list’ if you like. My headings are:
Weight and health
Generally I use them to beat myself up and it becomes a toxic document by which I realise just how far I am away from where I would like to be as a person. Yesterday was different. In searching for last year’s document, I actually found instead, the one I wrote in 2012. Sad probably that I keep them, but as I went down the list, I realised that about 75-80% of them had been achieved. They weren’t all done in 2012, but clearly they bubbled away at my consciousness and many of them - including some challenging and exciting ones got done. My spirits lifted and I realised that maybe if I focus, I could get more of this year’s actually done and perhaps, while 2016 is still around! So I created my list yesterday with a good deal of hope in my heart.
I’ve been sadder of late than I have let on in this blog. I guess here there is a self editing filter that I use to not be seen as a bleak, flaky weirdo. But I have had some very tough decisions to make and I have faced (and continue to face) some intractable challenges that gnaw away at me. Some that I doubt my ability to resolve, but I have to anyway. I have found myself in some very dark places which for an overly enthusiastic extroverted optimist has been very scary and has rocked my self-confidence.
Its amazing the bizarre places where wisdom comes to meet you, especially when you are not searching for it. The other day, I was watching ‘Kinky Boots’ on TV. There is a line at the end of the film that hit me between the eyes - Lauren (one of the factory workers) says to her boss (the instigator of shoe creation), “So here we are again. Charlie Price, standing in front of me, saying, ‘It's not my fault. What can I do?’” I face a similar cross-roads. I wondered whether I would take responsibility for all of these challenges or whether I just need to give up and say, ‘It's not my fault. What can I do?’ A lot of the time, the ‘what can I do’ eludes me. But hopefully this blog explains the determination left in my heart to try. There are so many things I want to experience and do as the real me and maybe…hopefully…2016 is the year to take of the stabilisers and to try again.