Monday, 24 October 2011

I panicked...

Last night, I was sat next to Mrs A, watching television. My God isn't X-factor rubbish this year and that was soooo unfair on Rory Bremner. Anyway, the fire was on next to me, and it was a chilly night. That meant, that owing to me occupying the warmest place, I was hot and she was 'just right'. Oh, the sacrifices. It was so hot for me, that I ended up dressed in t-shirt and shorts.

Perfectly normal so far, nothing crossed my mind. Suddenly Mrs A remarks,"have you shaved your legs?" In that moment, the world inverted.

For those of you who aren't regular readers, the current plot is that Mrs A and I split up. We got back together on the basis that I would, by hook or crook, stop my transgendered ways. I genuinely tried for 4 months-ish to do so, but couldn't and have lapsed into my old girl ways. The first step of which was to shave legs, armpits and chest. I'm practised, after 17 years together of hiding this in a stealthy way. Except last night, I forgot. Idiot that I am.

So when she asked, I panicked. Don't you think that's ridiculous? I just completely overreacted and started saying that I hadn't shaved and that my leg hair is always that short and it's really fair and that of course I didn't shave it. Now, neither of those things are a million miles from true, I don't grow much hair naturally, and my leg hair is very very fair. But I'm still not sure I was believed.

Why didn't I just say yes and tell the truth that I had shaved? Believe me, that was the question I asked myself straight way. I reasoned that whether I'm dressing or not, she knows I hate body hair and might actually just think it was a vestige I was holding on to, without actually dressing. But the thing that panicked me was that a scarier line of questioning could result from saying yes. I already think that my reaction will lead to more scrutiny. Upto press, I think I've not done anything (that she is aware of) that would lose trust. And if it's a measure, I've only dressed a dozen times in the last month or so. But her thinking that I'm shaving, could lead to her noticing more and getting suspicious of everything. Or you could say that she already was and she'd been waiting for an opportunity to say something? In my gut, it feels like I'm on the brink of her asking directly whether I've returned to my girl ways and of me having to decide how to answer that.

I thought I was hiding it well. But just writing this post has shocked me. I always say that articulating this stuff makes me look at it in a very different way, yet again the blog delivers for me personally. Why has my life, yet again, become one of sneaking around, hiding, lying to the people I love to protect something I'm proud of and that is not wrong or shameful, but instead is a big part of who I am. Why, in the place of greatest intimacy and supposed trust am I forced to be the pretend me?

Many people I have spoken to have encouraged me to keep the lie in order to keep the marriage. To keep everything that I love - my home, kids, job etc. But I am increasingly uncomfortable with the level of compromise it leaves me with. I'm a heart on her sleeve kinda girl and this is not playing out well for me. I don't want to be the kind of person who lies all the time, it makes me so sad and makes me feel somehow, dirty. I've reluctantly agreed with my advisors and counsellors that it's best to keep the secret, for everyone's sake. Seemingly except mine. I am such a selfish bitch, does this mean it's time to face the music?

7 comments:

  1. I think we need to be true to ourselves first and to bravely share that truth with our nearest & dearest, otherwise we are not only living a lie but making a mockery of any partnership.

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  2. Living with guilt and shame for a very long time, I realize that it is something I have become very good at. Telling you not to beat yourself up, I am in fact telling myself the same thing at the same time, for your story is so very familiar. People who give advise do not need to live with the consequences of being dishonest do they?

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  3. You can find many a psychiatrists report that states most cross-dressers will continue to cross-dress once starting. It is in their nature to do so. Find a respected report and show it to your wife. It may not change her mind about you but she will know just how hard it is to stop.

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  4. I am such a selfish bitch...

    No, just in a difficult situation.

    Is it any more right/wrong that you need to hide this part of you, than say, your wife insisting you behave in a particular way? It's not an easy call to make.

    Of the trans folk I talk to - and speaking personally - bolting it all up seems to lead to two outcomes: 1) massive indulgence followed by guilt and if you're unlucky, 2) continued mental anguish.

    You don't have to be hair free to be trans - although it's nicer! :-) I guess you have to ask yourself which life you really want. Do you want to do as you are told and live with being under wraps. Or, be free to do as you want, but understand the consequences of your decision. It's by no means an easy one! [hug]

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  5. I agree with Anon, I think we should be able to be open with the people we love. I've been 'out' to Mrs A for 17 years and she knows, but over that time, she has become more militantly against my dressing than she was even at first. I know with 100% certainty that if she discovers my recent relapse, it's game over.

    Two things sprout from that:
    1. Why risk it then? As Stephanie says, who has any real choice about it
    2. I love her so much, the thought of living without her is what got me into this mess to start with. If I could just take or leave the situation, believe me, I'd have left a long time ago.

    But Halle and Lynn are both right, it has led me to the point of mental exhaustion and of utter sadness. Maybe there's a point inevitably approaching where I will have to give up. But if I can still fight, I will. I just hate being dishonest, it's like I'm fighting dirty.

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  6. I sympathize with your predicament. I have the good fortune to have a partner who is accepting and encouraging of my gender explorations.

    How does it affect you to give up your dressing? Will your wife at least recognize your quandary as legitimate? These are questions you need to ask yourself.

    I know everyone must make their own decision. You need to be very clear with yourself what price you are paying for each choice.

    That said, I wish you happiness.

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  7. @Kim - thank you for your input, it is appreciated. The last few months of blogs are really the answer to your first question and I would say that giving up dressing leads to frustration, sadness and hopelessness. Its been a very sorry state of affairs really.

    But its your second question that really interests me more as I'd not thought about it from that point of view. I think that Mrs A understands the quandary and sees it as a legitimate situation, but doesn't see it as an acceptable place to stop. The only acceptable place to stop is to stop and to give up the girl.

    I've had a quote on the price for the choice to stay as a girl and it is far too high. But the question currently vexing me is whether I have any choice but to pay it?

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