Monday, 21 March 2011

Who am I trying to kid?

I’m getting this funny feeling that somehow trying to be a girl is not all its cracked up to be.  I guess for me the issue stems from what you want to get out of it.  What I seek, seems unattainable.   I suspect that there are as many motivations for doing it as there are people who try.   In my case, I want to be what I can never be.  For a long time I’ve swept the fact that I look more like Homer than Marge under the carpet.  So what if I’m quite a bit big, ungainly and never in a million years passable.  But tonight the ‘so what’ has come home to roost and hit me like a hammer.  

What is my motivation to do this?  I find it hard to say it out loud for fear of being mocked.  But its not dissimilar to others I have read about: its being able to walk down a street with minimal fuss with as few people as possible turning their head.  It’s that someone who I love sees only the girl that I could be and would love me back, even knowing that.  That they would ‘get me’ in a way that no-one else does and that as well as everything else they would make me feel like the most pretty, beautiful creature in the universe.  I know that its stupid romance and many, even highly attractive real girls don’t receive that precious gift.  But against all circumstances, against all logic and against all realism, I’ve spent a long time hoping for it.

I’ve been going through a difficult time with my wife to the point where we could split over Rhiannon.    Being able to be me, really me, has been such a precious aim that I’ve been willing to sacrifice everything to follow it.  Willing even to give up a family for it.  But then sometimes I look through reality’s lens and feel that I’m never going to get my dream.  I know that looks are superficial, but how I look stops me in my tracks.  And even though on the inside I feel differently from the outside, I can’t see how anyone would ever spot it.

This is neither a plea for help, nor a self-pitying statement.  It’s a rambling that wonders whether a sacrifice is worth making if you do it and you still don’t get the thing you sacrificed for.  If all you end up doing is hurting the people you love and still being alone, then what’s the point?

Today I read a book.  Probably a mistake, but I found it heartbreaking.  A week or two ago, someone had blogged that they had really enjoyed and been moved by the book, ‘Almost Perfect’.  I downloaded it last night and finished it this afternoon.  It probably is designed to be uplifting and I’ve missed the point.  But truthfully it terrified me.  It’s a story of a t-girl who actually passes, who actually finds someone who sort of accepts her, who started their journey young enough to be a long way on the road to transition before puberty and nature ruins their body.  But even that wasn’t enough to stop her life being wrecked by this seemingly impossible dream.

Don’t get me wrong, I realise it’s a fictional account.  But in the context of my motivation and my dream of going out without much notice and finding someone who loves Rhiannon, it might as well be true because it feels like it is the reality.   I’m not sure that this post will see the light of day as I don’t want to piss people off or put people off.  And I could certainly do without any abuse from offended people.  But I wanted to honestly track my feelings here and if I can’t do that, then I should stop.  On some levels it feels like I’m just taking myself too seriously, but it goes back to your motivation for doing it.  For me it was never an easy thing to do, a passing phase, a turn on.  It’s always been much more and as much as I try, I can’t escape that.

But to cut to the chase – it has honestly made me wonder – who am I trying to kid?

4 comments:

  1. Hi Rhiannon,
    You are just being honest with yourself. I think we all in the end have to find our own way and answers.
    I sincerely hope things get better.
    Take care
    Karen x

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  2. I am going through (and have been before) similar issues to you. I question myself constantly and really hate what I see when I dress. I sometimes think we are our worst critics - my wife certainly thinks so and can see a lot of female in me.

    To be honest if I could give up I would but I just can't - and that's what I have to face. That dream of being me is what keeps me going - the dream is me. I know that I can't live this life as I wanted to - i.e. be born female but I do realise that there are options that might allow me to live as a female. Those options might come at a cost but they are there.

    I hope and pray that I don't need to take them but what will be will be.

    I certainly think I am a long way from acceptance of myself but I am working on it.

    I hope that you can find a way through this and keep your marriage intact.

    Thinking of you

    Becca

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  3. You are in a difficult place with no easy answers.

    Your best and only hope is to be totally and brutally honest with yourself.

    Here are some links that MIGHT help...

    http://www.mtftransition.com/t-girl.htm

    http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/Warning.html

    http://t-central.blogspot.com/2010/07/transition-thoughts-reflections-guest_20.html

    You have my very best wishes,

    Anne

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  4. Hi Rhiannon,
    A little late to the party here, sorry I didn't read this sooner. The points you bring up are really interesting, as I have also struggled with many of the same questions. I read somewhere once (I think it was in the book "Wrapped in Blue," can't remember the author), that a part of being willing to transition was knowing and accepting that you could very possibly lose everything in the process. I guess the idea is that you have to be confident that even if everything you have disappears, the life that will replace this one is truly worth the effort.

    I have often questioned whether I truly wanted to make the permanent correction, and more often than not those questions stem from questions about from where my feelings arise, and from doubts about whether I could bear the losses that might come. To date, I have still not fully answered the question, but I am getting closer.

    I hope that you can also feel progress in yourself and that you have a sense of hope for your own future, whatever your end decision. Hang in there! There's a whole community of us out here pulling for you.

    Hugs,
    Kate

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