Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Why is it so hard?

My intention is not to deliver depressing blog after depressing blog. But I fear cheerfulness will need to be put off for the next one!

Why is it so hard to come out to people. I've now told the sum total of 18 people about Rhiannon. 50% have been extremely positive about it which has made me happy. They have been completely understanding. In fact my favourite person who literally left me knocked for six said, "I feel so bad that you have had to live with this by yourself for so long." it finally dawned on me that I have been living with a nightmare of a secret that has left me not showing my true self to anyone really. The 'negative' 50% were unfortunately the first people I told.

But since telling the positive people, something strange has happened. I now find it really hard to be myself around them. I question everything: what was my motivation for telling them: validation, shock factor, for their benefit, for my titillation? I also expect them to be different, to treat me like more of a girl I guess. As well as being a weight off my mind, it leads to different issues.

It sounds weird, but the real problem which has arisen is actually a degree of paranoia and fear. I find it hard to take it on board that they are really ok with it. I'm waiting for them to turn round and tell me what a weirdo I am and that I'm wrong and need to sort it out. So when they don't reply to messages, when they delay texts, emails etc, I get nervous, worried and fear the worst.

Until I started telling people I rarely feared the worst about anything. I think I'm starting to sound like a complete mess.

2 comments:

  1. I guess I'm fortunate that I've not had any negative reactions on coming out. My motivation was to lose the stress of having a Big Secret.

    It is inevitable that you'd be left on tenterhooks after what is quite a life-changing event. Not weird at all.

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  2. @Jenny - thank you! It feels really brave to come out, but a lot of my early issues were with people who were not nasty, but I could have predicted it. Latterly, people have really built my confidence or have been just of the view that 'why would it change what I think of you' which is also fantastic.

    And I've been reading your blog for a while - and am a big fan. I love how much humour you weave into it and a really wry way of looking at this issue and life in general! Thank you!

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