Friday, 19 December 2014

2014 refections start here...

Just a short one today to reassure you that I’m ok - just been monstrously busy for about 4 months now.  Another month or two of pushing and hopefully I can relax a little.  She says.  She is also filled with doubt about that.  I think I just keep telling myself that to try to keep going!

I was prompted to write really by an email that I sent to a friend this morning.  Feeling in a very reflective mood today, I was thinking about my relationship with my wife and why I’ve stayed and even more, why I left and came back.  It is fundamentally that I care about our kids and her - and that however confusedly I feel about our relationship, that I highly prize our friendship.

But anyway, in the email, I wrote, “Knowing that the one person I care about the most hates the real me and only wants to love me when I pretend to be someone else is actually heartbreaking.”

I know I’ve covered this before here, but it was a timely reminder that bought tears to my eyes.

At the end of the year you do reflect and my conclusion is that professionally 2014 has been a great year.  For Rhiannon, its one that I would rather forget to be honest.  I’ve gone a long way backwards: in health terms, in confidence, in time actually spent being me, in having fun shopping for shoes :o), in times out with friends.  I thought that I’d done all that for the right reasons until that sentence flowed from my mind earlier and I realised instead that I’m still trying to maintain a relationship by pretence.  I want to be loved for 100% of who I am, not for just the “acceptable” bits.

Another friend recently has reminded me how short our time is - and having reached 40 this year, I’m at least a third of the way through my life now :o).

2015 needs to be a different year altogether.

10 comments:

  1. And I hope love with all my heart, it will be a better year for you.
    And with all your friends here, we will be with you.
    XOXO
    Abigale

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    1. Thank you so much Abigale, I really hope so. I hate having to be someone I'm not all the time. x

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    2. I know, I can relate to that in some way.
      Offline Abigale does not exist, and I'm not happy with that situation either.
      At least I don't have hostility on the homefront as you do
      Hold in there girl.
      We love you x

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  2. Merry Christmas, Mrs and I hope the new year is much kinder to you, than this one.

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    1. Me too! Especially Christmas, I was really ill last year! :o) Determined to get back on track in 2015 - including a trip to Chams - coming there when I did really helped to build my confidence. x

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  3. Thank you Lynn, I really hope so too, but for better or worse, I think I'm going to try to give it a push too :o)

    Hope hou have an awesome Christmas too - Your blog is honestly getting better and better. It was already fantastic to start with!

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    1. Thanks, Rhi. Very kind of you to say so and I'll do my best to send you some luck.

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  4. Just... I feel for you and I feel what you are saying. You are not alone and you know this already.

    Agh, this is inadequate! I stand with you. And I agree.

    God bless, and a Merry Christmas. You deserve it. Here's to a happier New Year!

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    1. Thank you Joanna, you know it is really appreciated - especially given the tough time you are having presently. Thinking of you - and thanks for the shout out in your blog :o) x

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  5. Loving and caring for your family & being true to yourself - these two items (in my mind) are not mutually exclusive. I am so very sorry that there would be such a cost though to make this happen.

    Be kind to yourself Hun
    X

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