Monday, 16 December 2013

It's starting to look a lot like Christmas...

...and that leaves me with an interesting dilemma.  One I’ve never really had before.  It fills me an equal mixture of dread and excitement.  If I want, it seems like Rhiannon might have the opportunity to attend the company Christmas party.  You know what its like when the thing you have dreamed of for ever actually happens.  Its a mixed blessing.  I really want it, and I really don’t.

I’ve been out during the day.  I’ve Sparkled.  But a night out with civilians in a civilian venue has been beyond my level of bravery.  But now, the gauntlet has been thrown down and all but one excuse has been removed.  The team I work (apart from one I’m not sure about) are up for it.  Not even just up for it, they’re keen.

The evening consists of drinks, dinner in a nice Indian restaurant followed by an evening of drinking with some of my favourite people on earth.  I have an outfit ready: a purple dress, a lovely long wrap, heels and new wig.  I even, for various reasons, have the easy option to have my make up professionally done before I go.

But I’m still scared.  And I’ve started to put my own excuses in place.  I’m fat. I’ll be a very obvious man in a dress.  Do black patent leather shoes go with a purple dress.  My photos look great, but that’s because they are not taken next to another real girl - you suddenly see that whilst I look feminine, proportionally, I’m massive.  We are going into pubs where there are people who might mock me.  Every possible fear is screaming out within me.

Face the fear and do it anyway?  Or run screaming...?

11 comments:

  1. It strikes me that you've already achieved far more than many trans women who are living their new role full time. Coming out at work was a huge step, and says a lot for your bravery and determination. So my first reaction is to say 'Go for it, girl'. Have your professional makeover (which will do wonders for your confidence) and enjoy an unforgettable evening with some of your favourite people on earth.

    But, of course, it's easy for me to say that from here, as it's not me who's going. The art of 'passing' is only 50% how you look; the other 50% is confidence. It's your call, but with the determination you've already shown, and surrounded by supportive friends, I reckon you can do it and enjoy it.

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  2. What about (genetic) women who stand next the office 'model'? You're a chap in a dress, but you're a well turned out chap in a very nice dress... and you know how to accessorise. <3

    Dare I say, do it? Your co-workers are on board and if some drunken arse says something, I dare say your team mates will gather around. Besides, what's the worst they could say versus all the doubts and negative thoughts that could have run through your head? :-)

    Go on. You might like it. ;-)

    L x

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  3. I am reminded of a phrase, I think attributed to Mark Twain. If I am honest though my true belief is that it won't take twenty years for the regret to come. I think that you will be scared on the night but so what - you will be in good company with that feeling, many of us have been there are done that. After some Chillean White and the caring support from your colleagues you will be fine and so pleased you took that step. You want to, I know you do - the alternative is wearing something you don't want to do, something which quite possibly will make you unhappy. Dazzle them all, you really only live on earth once.

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  4. I agree with all Angie says.

    As regards visual comparisons, remember that there are an awful lot of large natal girls about nowadays, and they turn up in pubs everywhere. Size won't necessarily be the problem. Your manner and general presentation will be much more important. It sounds as if there is a lot of goodwill in the air, and surely you will be hugely admired for showing what Rhiannon looks like on an evening out. Make sure you look great, and know it.

    It's Christmas. Ordinary pubgoers will be festive, preoccupied with talking and enjoying themselves. Personal experience suggests that you will not be mocked or laughed at, or even noticed, if you behave naturally.

    Best wishes! Do this, and it will be so much easier next time.

    Lucy

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  5. Looking at your picture you don't have any problems, only those within your mind. Go out and enjoy life.

    Shirley Anne x

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  6. Cinderella, go to the ball!

    In the end regrets are for what you did not do more than for what you did. a missed opportunity is gone for all time…

    The confidence such a night out could give you will be with you forever. Have fun.

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  7. I really hope you don't think that I'm being over the top. But I am literally going to frame your replies to that blog. I don't think you quite realise just how appreciated your encouragement is to me. Thank you so much ladies *humbled by your support* and confidence boosted. Thursday here I come.

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  8. :o) I really hope so! Will let you know...

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  9. Today today today. Hope it goes well M'lady. Knock em dead

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  10. Just saw this, hon. I have no doubt you are dazzling them all. :c) So happy for you!!!

    Hugs,
    Cass

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