Sunday, 22 December 2013

Why the fuss? - part two

So, having had a fantastic night and really enjoyed myself, I was left in a real dilemma.  Everyone was fantastic at dinner, but we now have breakfast and a road trip (4.5 hours drive) to get home.  Can I impose Rhiannon on them just one more time?  I had such a buzz last night, that I need this to carry on...

Cue: crisis of confidence.

They were great last night, but is it too much to expect?  Were they just being nice?  I’m not really a woman, will they be bored of me?  Why wouldn’t they just tell me enough’s enough?

So I sat for an hour and a half before breakfast to be honest in a little bit of a funk. I got myself to the point where fifteen minutes before breakfast I wasn’t ready.  And then the spirit of Thelma and Louise descended and I drove off the cliff.  I’m fast at putting make up on these days - 15 minutes is usually enough for full make up, so I did it.  I thought if they hate it, its just breakfast and I’ll know.

Breakfast outfit!
I walked down to breakfast and their smiles and acceptance were every single bit as fantastic as the night before.  And to be honest, the remembrance of that response is making my eyes fill with tears even as I write now.  It was like they thought that the girl from dinner last night has joined us again and we’ll invite her in, complement her clothes and jewellery, laugh at her detailed focus on having a different nail colour from yesterday because women don’t do that when they get older.  But overall, she is one of us.  And I really felt it.

I rhiannoned home in the car with two of my co-workers and was on a cloud.  So much so, and I hope you don’t mind me sharing this with you, but Friday night, I wrote them an email:

“Hi,

I just wanted to say a very heartfelt thank you for last night.  It was the first time I'd been out for an evening meal in a regular restaurant.  Whilst at times that made me feel slightly overwhelmed - I couldn't have wished for a better group of people supporting me.  Knowing that made it very easy to be brave.  I had a really good time: please don't take my relative quietness as anything other than overwhelm and (slight) annoyance at out waiting staff!  I'm 100% pleased that I was Rhiannon - and even more grateful for each of you.

People say it's brave of us trans people to do what we do, but I think going out with us is equally brave as I know that for some the 'guilt by association' can be daunting.  I never felt anything from you all other than complete acceptance and relaxation. I'm very moved by the gift you each have to me last night by being there for me.

I wish you a very happy Christmas and look forward to continuing to work with you in 2014.

Thank you,”

What is even more amazing is their responses were even more effusive and I’m crying again - proper sobs.  How can I not proceed to a life as Rhiannon when I have people like this in life who think I’m beautiful and who support me?  They see straight past the man and can see the woman in me.

The dilemma for my immediate future widens, but I have lapped from that world and now I want to drink jugs full of it and to get more and more of it into my life.

10 comments:

  1. It was still a brave step to be Rhiannon at breakfast. But what amazing colleagues you have, to give you a double dose of acceptance. I think you're entitled to take a clear and unmistakable message from that.

    That was a 'thank you' email I would personally have been delighted to get. Thanks for sharing it!

    Lucy

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    1. Thank you Lucy :o) I think that the twin messages that they'll accept me and that I'm acceptable were brought home in such a special way.

      Rhi x

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  2. I am sure you have read that the hardest part of all this is having the confidence that you will be ok. You might get read, you might get sirred but you have the confidence to do it anyway. You are finding it !!!

    You have some great friends and colleagues there and you are not a burden. I am sure that they were pleased you were there - pleased for you that you did this. They may well not understand but I have no doubt from knowing you that they are happy to help someone who is kind and caring to them.

    Finally ... OMG ... You changed your nail colour

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    1. Ha ha ha - I love you so much!! Yes - sparkly purple (that was a nightmare to get off) to my old favourite 'rock n roll' red. :o) :o)

      You are right - I think they didn't think too deeply about it and were just pleased that I was happy, which is fine. But their engagement with me as a woman was as a woman. Whether they understood it or not, they took it at face value and treated me as I presented. What more could you ask for?

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    2. If only it were that simple. It was that really thick glittery stuff. There was no way that was coming off at all!!

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    3. I've only worn the glittery polish once. It went on thick, and covered well. I loved it...till time to take it off. Non-acetone nail polish remover barely worked. (Maybe acetone would have worked better, but I can't use it with my acrylic nails.)

      It took an hour or so, and lots of rubbing, to finally be rid of it. And you can bet I won't wear it again...until my schedule permits me to leave it on for a week!

      You certainly have wonderful colleagues, hon! You are so fortunate...

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  3. Maybe you should work as an electrician as I do Rhiannon, the varnish soon gets worn away! LOL. So glad you had a great time and what colleagues you have! How lovely they were and how nice of you to show your appreciation of them in that email. It would have been foolish to have appeared at breakfast en homme I feel. The way forward is obvious to me and I hope it is to you Rhiannon.

    Shirley Anne x

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  4. Yea! What wonderful colleagues you have. I agree with the other commenters; I think this is a clear sign about your future path.

    Congratulations again on such a big step, hon! And good luck with the nail polish in the future. ;-p

    Hugs,
    Cass

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  5. ...guilt by association...

    Serious kudos to them for not bowing to that old imposter! The emails sounded lovely and I hope you keep them to look back on. I really hope that this does help you decide what you want to do and please do believe that you can do this. <3

    PS: Quickies Nail Varnish Remover Pads from Boots. A removal pad full of win ;-) Yes, even the glittery stuff, although you have to hold and soak, not rub as with regular varnish. Or so I'm told, it's not like you'd catch me in nail varnish. ;-)

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