Cue: crisis of confidence.
They were great last night, but is it too much to expect? Were they just being nice? I’m not really a woman, will they be bored of me? Why wouldn’t they just tell me enough’s enough?
So I sat for an hour and a half before breakfast to be honest in a little bit of a funk. I got myself to the point where fifteen minutes before breakfast I wasn’t ready. And then the spirit of Thelma and Louise descended and I drove off the cliff. I’m fast at putting make up on these days - 15 minutes is usually enough for full make up, so I did it. I thought if they hate it, its just breakfast and I’ll know.
I rhiannoned home in the car with two of my co-workers and was on a cloud. So much so, and I hope you don’t mind me sharing this with you, but Friday night, I wrote them an email:
I just wanted to say a very heartfelt thank you for last night. It was the first time I'd been out for an evening meal in a regular restaurant. Whilst at times that made me feel slightly overwhelmed - I couldn't have wished for a better group of people supporting me. Knowing that made it very easy to be brave. I had a really good time: please don't take my relative quietness as anything other than overwhelm and (slight) annoyance at out waiting staff! I'm 100% pleased that I was Rhiannon - and even more grateful for each of you.
People say it's brave of us trans people to do what we do, but I think going out with us is equally brave as I know that for some the 'guilt by association' can be daunting. I never felt anything from you all other than complete acceptance and relaxation. I'm very moved by the gift you each have to me last night by being there for me.
I wish you a very happy Christmas and look forward to continuing to work with you in 2014.
What is even more amazing is their responses were even more effusive and I’m crying again - proper sobs. How can I not proceed to a life as Rhiannon when I have people like this in life who think I’m beautiful and who support me? They see straight past the man and can see the woman in me.
The dilemma for my immediate future widens, but I have lapped from that world and now I want to drink jugs full of it and to get more and more of it into my life.