Thursday, 27 December 2012
The Christmas Verdict
Had a really nice Christmas. Clearly the children didn't know, but everyone else round the Christmas table knew that this may well be the last of these. Despite that sombre knowledge, there were smiles, laughs and even a little bit of fun.
In just a few short weeks the world is going to change and I'm not sure it'll ever be the same again. How is it that you can love someone so much to the point where you catch your breath at the sight of them? But that this is not enough to keep you together?
At the risk of this being a depressing blog, I am sad to the core of my whole being at the moment. But I guess breaking up from the person you have loved for 19 years is difficult to get chirpy about.
Behind the scenes, I am gearing up for departure: new accommodation found and things that need to be bought are being bought.
In the centre of the relationship, we still pretend like it isn't going to happen. We both look at each other and hope that one of us will flinch. She hopes that I will stop feeling like a girl and I hope that she'll forgive me for it and let me stay. I hope that she'll just let me hide it from her again and that we can both pretend it isn't there. She's known and lived with this for our whole 16 years of marriage, so why not? But the elephant in the room (the other elephant cheeky) is just too big and upsets her too much for it to stay there. The elephant and I are both being evicted.
I'm becoming resigned to my future 'freedom' and I know lots of people (including lots who read this) will have been there, done it and worn the t-shirt. But even knowing that, it is horrible when it happens to you. When it is your marriage that is the one finishing. I wish it could be different. There is part of me that wishes I could wave a magic wand and be different. To be the man they need me to be. But I can't. I have tried to fight against this for years. Made myself unhappy for years. Hated myself for longer than I can remember. They want me to just do one more thing to try to stop: give it one last try. But I'm spent. There is no more energy left to fight it. The girl inside me has won and she is getting her prize.
You know, the saddest thing is that I'm just consumed by guilt about all of this. I know that it isn't my fault. I know that I didn't choose this. I know other people could have made a decision to support me rather than kick me into touch. But when I look at the faces of my kids and know that I'm about to uproot their world, a piece of me breaks. And I know the reality is that they may end up happier and in a better place etc. But I feel like I'm fundamentally making a very very selfish decision and that they should be more important to me than how I dress. Why should they be exposed to potential bullying, to an issue they can't yet understand, to a sad mother who's husband left her because he lost the battle of self control? I'm being harsh on myself, I know. But that's because we understand how hard this fight is - they don't and can't. They just experience the aftermath of a storm they never saw coming.
But with everything within me, I'm going to try to not let this affect them in the way that it could. I'm crying as I type because I love them so much. I just want them to happy and want to find every possible way to help them continue to be so. Part of being a parent is surely signing away the right to selfishly live your life. I've never really done that for them before, but 2013 is a different landscape and I need to be a different person to cope with it.
It is all so raw at the moment and I'm not sure I've articulated myself well, or whether I'll even agree with what I've just written in the future. But I desperately wanted to capture this moment for the people out there who I know care about me - and to remind myself of it before the world changes.