Wednesday, 12 December 2012

The best of times and the worst of times


This was going to be a weekend written, jokey blog, but life has caused it to take quite a serious and actually very sad turn to something I don’t want to speak of lightly.

On the very positive front, I have started to get brave.  I have had four or five experiences of going out over the last 6 weeks alone.  Admittedly two of them were with other trans ladies as part of the Chams group in Nottingham.  A really fab group - would highly recommend it.  But I also took the step of joining civilian life as Rhiannon.  The first occasion was a trip to spend the afternoon in a coffee shop with my friend Sarah.  Have I mentioned before just how awesome she is? And then on another day trip out for food on my own.  I have also been shopping recently and trying things on and having an absolute ball in many and various shops with some lovely assistants.  They have been fab.  On the Rhiannon front, I am now always just looking for excuses to go out pretty.  The photo on this blog was how I looked on one of the times I went out.

It will sound odd, but getting the new bag and I also bought a new coat, made a huge difference.  It meant that I was going out top to toe in girl mode.  Somehow that fact alone has given me confidence I never knew I had.  The mixture of reactions I have received so far have ranged from the very positive to the not negative.  No-one has been horrible or thrown a wobbler at me.  That has encouraged me too.

I work for a small company that I help run and over the last few months I have come out to a number of people who work for us and some in our office.  This has led to me gain permissions to be able to go to work sometimes in Rhiannon mode which is a major step forward for me.  The fact that I asked for it alone is amazing!

From a trans perspective, I've never been happier.  I'm in such a great place in my head right now.

But as I said before, something really sad has happened to counter it.  I’m really too raw to actually talk about it at the moment.  Still in processing mode.  But Mrs A and I have decided to split.  For more reasons than just trans, this woman whom I love so much, won't be my wife any more.  Part of me, I have to be honest is relieved.  Suppressing Rhiannon most of the time has taken its toll.  The bigger part of me is down and sad.  I will come back to this another day, but given that this blog is a record of my whole life, you need to have the lows as well as the highs to get the full picture of me.

A sad blog to write, but I know that you’ll keep reading and encouraging me.  That things will get better.  I’ll emerge stronger and hopefully happier.  But the journey to that point is not one I’m relishing very much.

6 comments:

  1. A sad time indeed. Thinking of you x

    ReplyDelete
  2. Not a huge surprise, honestly, but I do feel for you, Rhi. Cliches about doors opening and closing come to mind, but that's not terribly helpful. It's raw right now, as you said. Just keep in mind that there are a lot of folks out here pulling for you, me included.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You know how many of us out here are trying to find who the real person is, and Rhi, you cannot possibly write so passionately about being 'in such a great place in your head' if that isn't happening for you, so admiration coming at you from me.
    Being part of a good marriage is likely one of the most wonderful things in the world, but there is a point where separation is a path we need to take. So sad for you now, because it is impossible to ignore how difficult that is for you right now.
    Positive thoughts are with you as Leslie and Becca have said.

    ReplyDelete
  4. As you said, some good news, some not so good news. I remember our conversation in the pub and while it is very sad, sometimes, I think you have to do the hard thing, rather than bumble along with neither of you very happy.

    Sending positive vibes your way <<>> L x

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you so much girls - I really really appreciate your support and kind words. I can't tell you how much your thoughts touched me yesterday.

    Still feeling sad, but the hunt for somewhere else to live is on and activity seems to be taking over from allowing me to feel at the moment. Probably in a month's time when I am alone in a new place near home, but not able to go home, is when it will hit. But for now there is Christmas to get through instead. x

    ReplyDelete