Tuesday, 16 April 2013
Coming out - when is enough enough?
The 'coming out' journey continues. I don't wish to limit myself and to force myself into doing something because I have blogged about it, but I'm getting to a saturation point. The number of people who know my secret has reached probably 40-50 people I really trust. I don't mean to blasé but I'm nearly at the point where I'm thinking that everyone I who I wanted to know, knows. I am also starting to wonder, based on the response I’ve had to date about whether I would mind if it came out more broadly now. I read Alice's blog regularly and she has recently taken the move to tell her Facebook friends about herself. Brave decision? Probably, but part of me wonders if there is an inevitability to it. And most of you will be acutely aware of the crushing weight of keeping secret something you don't think of as a negative anymore. You start to wonder whether the crush is worth it?
If I'm honest, the people who don't know about me, don't know for one of two reasons. The first is where it might affect my professional standing and by extension my chances of getting work. The second is that in my limited ability to judge these things, there is a danger that it might lead to my kids being told.
The first is a practical one. I'm self employed. The people I work for may well be ok with it, or they may hate and feel uncomfortable with it. In most cases, I don't know either way and I'm not yet ready to take the risk of finding out. I'm not on the route to transition currently, so them knowing adds nothing except risking my livelihood. If I decide to transition, then it doesn't matter - they would need to know. As I'm highly highly unlikely currently to turn up to work for my clients in Rhiannon mode, they are better off in the dark.
The second is simple. I really don't want my kids to find out before I think they are ready to cope with it. That's a personal judgement I guess, maybe a better way of saying it is that I don't want them to know until they HAVE to cope with it. Again, I'm not likely to start dressing in obvious girl mode with them around, so why is it necessary?
The thing that you can't control is what people do with the secret you place into their hands. So far, so good. But the more who find out, the more chance there is to lose control. Nothing new, I've blogged on this before, but it is heightened by the fact that half a dozen people recently have passed on my secret when they've been told. Mostly that is to other trustworthy people, but the effect on me is that I move inch by inch towards the mass inadvertent outing I have always feared. But strangely no longer dread.
All this sounds very matter of fact. Like its an operational exercise and to a degree it has been. But I’m no longer ashamed of feeling like a girl and not being open about it, to a degree makes me feel like I still am embarrassed. In some ways knowing that there is an inevitability to it being public knowledge makes me think, ‘just get on with it.’ Don’t worry, I’m not going to act rashly, but it all makes you wonder...